I don’t want my baby near my mums partner!

[Rach2479]

So for context my mum has been with her boyfriend for around 15 years on and off. He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that. My sister feels the same but she’s a peace keeper and will tolerate more than me to keep everyone happy.

I had a baby 5 months ago, my sister also had a baby 8 months ago. While we were both pregnant we both agreed we would set a clear boundary with mum that the babies would never meet or be around her boyfriend, and mum understood and accepted that.

However, my mum has made a few comments such as calling her boyfriend “grandad” while FaceTiming him with my niece and generally pushing boundaries like that. My sister being the softy has a few times popped in at my mums for a cuppa and taken the baby into mums house and she has met the boyfriend a few times BUT that’s her business not mine.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him. I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything. I’m just so worried and I don’t know what to do about it all. :(

I think the obvious thing to do is to decline the childcare. There's not much else I can suggest if you don't trust your mum, she's lied and her partner is as bad as you say.

You need to find alternative childcare...I know it's an expensive nightmare but I don't think you can trust your mum. Could you share childcare favours with your sister instead?

It's a horrible situation for you. I wouldn't have my baby anywhere near this man. As your mum seems to think it's a bit of a joke, I wouldn't trust her either.

I wouldn’t allow her to look after my baby when I returned to work unless the agreement was baby looked after at your house, which tbh it sounds like she won’t stick to. He is abusive. You don’t need to cut baby off from their only grandparent but you can prevent her from looking after him and just see her at weekends etc

Honestly, if I thought my mother would take me child around someone dangerous and abusive, despite the fact that I had told her not to. I wouldn't be using her as childcare.

You need to be able to trust your childcare. My mum had my dd some days. I never had strict rules because I trusted her ro make judgement calls based on what was going on. And if she told me something and I disagreed, I knew she had done what she thought was best for my daughter at the time. And she knew if I disagreed, it wasn't an argument, and she would do it my way next time.

I trusted her 100% to have my child's best interests at heart. You don't trust your mum, so I don't think her doing childcare is a viable option.

Find different childcare

OMG what a difficult situation for you and so heartbreaking.

It's easy for me to say "find something else for childcare" but I know it might cost far more than you can afford. But if you do have ANY other alternative, it will allow you to instead focus on letting your baby have a relationship with your mum that is carried out under your supervision.

I'm afraid if you think she's likely to lie, you're probably right and sooner or later you'd find that she'd be popping back home with your DC. And you know you can't let your DC be looked after in a home with a violent abuser :-(

I'm so sorry.

Is there any way you can get childcare that isn’t your mum ? You know how this will go . I’m so sorry , but yr mum has put him first and minimised his awful ways . If you don’t want him to be your DC granddad then mum can’t be child care . Could you and sister share child care ? Good luck and congrats on your DC

Your mums judgement is way off the scale if she chooses to remain with this man.

Yet you are happy for her to mind your little one?

Nope. Make alternative arrangements.

I am sorry but this was always going to be an issue you knew about before getting pregnant if you cannot afford to pay for childcare. Where is your partner in all of this?

First and foremost is your child’s protection. That’s your priority.
If this man is violent and cannot be trusted, and you can’t trust your mum not to take the baby to her own house, then you cannot in all good conscience let her look after your baby on her own. I’m not saying cut her off, but do not use her for childcare. No amount of money saving is worth that.

Firstly, if you don’t think of your mums boyfriend as grandad, then you need to pull your mum up on it.
Secondly, you need to find alternative childcare.

It’s really that simple.

You can’t put boundaries in place like who your mum spends time with and then get her to do childcare for you. You just can’t. Of course she’s not going to stay away from him and you’re unreasonable to think she would.

I’m sorry but you cannot trust your mother. She did not protect you from this man and she won’t protect your child. You need alternative childcare arrangements.

As a Mum your first priority will always be the safety and welfare of your child. Always.
Your mother has proven she cannot be trusted to keep an agreement or promise. This man is not your childs grandfather in any sense.
You know what you have to do and you will find a way.
That is what we do for our kids.
However tough.

Agree with all of the other comments. You can not let her look after your baby. She will not accept your boundaries. You need to be able to control where and when she sees your child, and you can not do that by giving her time alone with a baby who is unable to tell you what happened.

Yes, I had almost this exact situation but with my MIL rather than my mum and we didn't need her to do the childcare financially but she wanted time with my son. It was a nightmare and she did go against our rule that baby was to be looked after at our house only so he went to childcare 5 days a week instead. You need to trust your childcare arrangement. Much better to be worse off and know your child is safe

Find different childcare.

Mar alternative childcare arrangements now, it will be easier than trying to do so at short notice when your mum inevitably brings the baby to her house.

She's already said she'll go to her house if he's at the pub. Well he will miraculously come home from the pub after one pint won't he?

Seriously it's your job to protect your child. Your mum didn't protect you from this scumbag, what makes you think she's going to start now with your child.

I'd rather fall out with my mum than risk my child.
She can have a relationship on your terms or not at all.
Sorry OP it is difficult for you 💐

You need to find another option for childcare. I’m sorry but there’s no other way that you can ensure your child is not around this dreadful man.

* He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that.*

^I wouldn’t leave my child with a woman who chooses to stay with a man like this.

You can't use her for childcare, end of. Sorry.

Given your mother's poor judgment of character and being a notorious liar, I would never let her look after my baby. You will be constantly worried about your baby. So please find alternative childcare, take the financial hit for a couple of years until baby's 30 hrs kicks in, and you can relax.

You might not recognise how manipulative your mother is. She has already overridden your decisions to not have the baby at hers and to not meet this man and call him granddad. I'm so sorry but it's obvious that your mother will not put your child's welfare first.

This is going to sound harsh, I’m sorry if it does, and I promise that I do appreciate that your mum is in an abusive relationship but she allowed this man to treat you like shit, so much so that you left home particularly young to be free of him. She accepted that and didn’t make any move to stop it or protect you. She will be no different with your baby, and is already proving that she has no intention of respecting or accepting your boundaries of keeping him away from your child.
You cannot use her for childcare. That’s the bottom line, if you want to keep your baby safe and away from such a toxic situation. You’d be breathtakingly naive at best to think differently.
If you choose to see your mother alone, while she is supervised with baby on your ‘territory’ so to speak, that’s entirely your prerogative but that would be all that seems safe to do.