I don’t want my baby near my mums partner!

[Rach2479]

So for context my mum has been with her boyfriend for around 15 years on and off. He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that. My sister feels the same but she’s a peace keeper and will tolerate more than me to keep everyone happy.

I had a baby 5 months ago, my sister also had a baby 8 months ago. While we were both pregnant we both agreed we would set a clear boundary with mum that the babies would never meet or be around her boyfriend, and mum understood and accepted that.

However, my mum has made a few comments such as calling her boyfriend “grandad” while FaceTiming him with my niece and generally pushing boundaries like that. My sister being the softy has a few times popped in at my mums for a cuppa and taken the baby into mums house and she has met the boyfriend a few times BUT that’s her business not mine.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him. I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything. I’m just so worried and I don’t know what to do about it all. :(

I think your mum struggles takes this little care of herself (by choosing to be with an abusive man) then she will struggle to care for your child regardless of how good her intentions are.

Her need to be with him trumped her daughters' needs when you were younger and will trump your baby's needs.

Don't allow her to do the childcare.

You simply cannot trust her. She's already worn your sister down. Why is she so keen to start calling this horrible man "granddad"? when she knows how both of you feel?
You've currently discussed her looking after your baby at your house, but are worried she will just decide to take them to her house where the Scumbag she so wants to call Granddad will have access... but what if her other half pitches up at your house on his way home from the lunch time drink... is she going to tell him he's not allowed in?

What about pooling resources with your sister and working out a way of doing some childcare for each other?

I agree with everyone else, unfortunately, you cannot use her as childcare given what you've described. Can you speak with your partner and come to some other arrangement? Both of you drop down a day at work or perhaps paid childcare? Or even condensed hours perhaps to free up additional days to cover childcare?

Also...
I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything

Your mum thought it was ok for you and your sister to be around him, so why wouldn't it be ok for the grandchildren? I think unfortunately it's naive to think that someone who has accepted this behaviour from her partner for 15 years (and towards her own children), will ever change her opinion or take your fears seriously. FWIW I would feel exactly the same as you and would not be willing to have my child around someone who has behaved how you've described.

You'd have to be out of your mind to leave a baby with your mother.

It's so sad for you that this awful man has been a big part of your life and that your mum hasn't protected you or your sister from him.

But it can stop now, you can protect your child and in fact, you will learn a lot about protecting yourself by standing up for your child. Be strong, you can do this. It's just a terrible shame that you have to.

She didn't protect you from him, she won't protect your child from him.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. You’ll need to find new childcare. You will never be able to trust your mum to put your child first and she will inevitably start slowly eroding your boundaries.

By Christmas a friend will have seen her out with your baby and the boyfriend and your mum will be claiming she “just bumped into him”. Guaranteed.

Your mum will 100% have your baby at her house and should not be left unsupervised with him for any length of time. You really need to find alternative childcare. There’s a potential safeguarding issue here. You cannot, hand on heart, be confident your baby will be safe.

You are naive if you think she will maintain your boundaries. Find alternative childcare

@SemiFeralDalek

She didn't protect you from him, she won't protect your child from him.

This.

You can't allow your mum to have him alone. You can't.

If your mum has him unsupervised, she WILL have her partner involved. And at some point she will pop to the shops to get something and leave him in sole charge.

Allowing your mother unsupervised contact allows him unsupervised contact. That's just the reality. Why would you begin to consider that?

Sadly, this is not a safe situation and you need alternative childcare provision.

Im glad youre reconside4ring but why are yu so bothered about your baby missing out

Your dm let you get abused when you were younger-hes been in prison and she still took him back

Her priority is him and always will be-shes not a good influence on your child

It's difficult to find affordable childcare. However: leaving a defenceless baby with a woman who has poor judgment, and a potentially very dangerous man, is simply not an option, and I think you know it.

Your choices are to either make an alternative childcare arrangement, or to not go back to work. I would suggest a childminder (usually cheaper than nursery/nanny).

It’s good you won’t be using her for childcare, someone who can’t safeguard their own kids won’t safeguard a grandchild.

Oh Lordy.
There's no way I'd leave my darling dc with her.
You can't trust her.
Even if she didn't bring baby to hers, he'd probably call to see her in your home.
Money will have to be found to change your plans, sadly.

I know you love your mum but she clearly does not have the judgement and strength of character to keep your baby safe. You absolutely cannot use her for childcare. It would only be a question of when, not if, your baby would be in danger. You cannot put your child in that situation. So sort out something else. Childcare swapsies with another mum for example?

You can’t trust her. Put another plan in place ASAP and you’ll feel much more reassured.

I don’t blame you at all, he sounds horrific and wouldn’t be around my DC either.
I’m surprised you even considered this though based on your Mum’s poor judgement of 15 years and that she put him first over you as a child/teen.

Obviously I don’t know what job you do but

Is it possible go have a career break and work around your husband in a different job until the free childcare hours kick in? When my eldest was born I had to go back to work for three months but the hours made it almost impossible, so I left and got a job at Sainsburys, a couple of evenings and all day Sunday. The money wasn’t too bad and all the other staff were mums doing the same as me, or students. I enjoyed it. My husband worked Monday to friday, and it meant we only had one ‘family day’, but it was absolutely fine. Yes it was less money than we’d been used to, but it was also a lot less stress.

Your mum can’t be trusted.

I agree with everyone else here, YANBU to want to protect your child from such a person. However, you can't use your mother for childcare - you will always be worried.

I voted YABU because I think you're being unreasonable to accept childcare from her in the first place when he's in her life and chances are he'll be around the baby. Obviously YANBU to not want your child around him

said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me

Yeah, she's as good as telling you that she is planning to take your baby home. It will go something like "ooops, I only popped in because he was in the pub but how was I to know he'd come home" swiftly followed by "well nothing bad happened so obviously I will keep doing it" & chased with a side order of blaming OP for being selfish, oversensitive, causing problems about nothing etc etc when OP finally finds out.

If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him.

You are already anticipating doing without DM's childcare, so - much as I understand that it's expensive & that's a worry - there must be a plan at the back of your mind as to how you would manage to afford this?
So surely the solution is to nip it in the bud & decide not to even start having DM having the baby? You then avoid all the worry & all the eventual stress & unpleasantness when she accidentally deliberately flouts your wishes.

It also means you needn't get to the stage of cutting DM off as you feared - you just never allow unsupervised contact.
What your sister tolerates is, as your rightly observe, her decision & in no way impacts on what you are prepared to tolerate.

I think you already have all the answers. It's just very hard, in a family of boundary-pushers & their enabling people-pleasers, to believe in ourselves strongly enough to resist the engrained expectations & behaviours of others.
So here it is from a random stranger - your boundaries are correct, & healthy. Your desire to keep DC away from your DM's twat of a partner is totally valid. Keep believing in yourself, & you are absolutely reasonable to enforce a rigid boundary of zero contact with The Twat.

I hope you can find enough money for alternative childcare for these 2 days a week. If you can, the expense has got to be worth it, as you are outsourcing any need to depend on your mother's honesty or sense along with that expense.

Good luck & stick to your guns!

OP, find other childcare. It's really not worth it.

You are absolutely off your rocker if you think your mum won't be having your baby around her bf while being your childcare.

Then it will all be turned on you when you get upset about it. Or it will be thrown in your face that she's doing you a favour so has the right to do what she wants.

You need to find alternative childcare you can actually truat and protect your child ffs.

You need alternative childcare, or you accept that your child will be in the vicinity of this man.

I also think you need to find alternative childcare.

If it's any help, I know a lot of people who are unable to leave their kids with the grandparents for all sorts of reasons. It feels really wrong, I know, as they raised us quite successfully, but looking after grandchildren is different, and often doesn't work.

I think you need to remember that the child is your responsibility though, and the buck stops with you. If the man is not safe around your baby, and your Mum clearly cannot set boundaries, then you need to take responsibility and not leave the child with your Mum.

If you do leave the child with her, and anything happens, then the fault will considered to be yours, not your Mum's, or her partner's.

You just cant have both can you?
You already know that she is unreliable, a poor judge of character and a liar.
She failed to put you and your sisters needs before her need to be with him
Do not involve your child with her. She is facilitating his behaviour. If you leave your child in her care, you are doing so as well.