I don’t want my baby near my mums partner!

[Rach2479]

So for context my mum has been with her boyfriend for around 15 years on and off. He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that. My sister feels the same but she’s a peace keeper and will tolerate more than me to keep everyone happy.

I had a baby 5 months ago, my sister also had a baby 8 months ago. While we were both pregnant we both agreed we would set a clear boundary with mum that the babies would never meet or be around her boyfriend, and mum understood and accepted that.

However, my mum has made a few comments such as calling her boyfriend “grandad” while FaceTiming him with my niece and generally pushing boundaries like that. My sister being the softy has a few times popped in at my mums for a cuppa and taken the baby into mums house and she has met the boyfriend a few times BUT that’s her business not mine.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him. I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything. I’m just so worried and I don’t know what to do about it all. :(

You are absolutely doing the right thing looking for independent childcare. You can't leave your child with someone who shows such poor judgement. You know it is not a question of if she breaks boundaries but when she breaks them.

This really is nothing to do with your sister.

Your sister has different boundaries to you.

When your mum takes your baby to her partner (and it’s a matter of when because she will), it will be nothing to do with your sister and everything to do with your mum and her lack of boundaries.

I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my child in your shoes. Because if you do her taking your baby to her partner is inevitable.

Sounds like a nightmare. Have you checked whether you might be eligible for any help with independent childcare: www.gov.uk/childcare-calculator?step-by-step-nav=f237ec8e-e82c-4ffa-8fba-2a88a739783b

You need alternative childcare. If she's a liar you can't trust her with your baby.

Having shit parents is the gift that just keeps on giving. You can't trust her to do childcare, you're going to have to pay for it, and everyone will think you're minted and snobby and that you have a charmed life. I'm maybe projecting my own experience there a bit . But it's true. You'll have to protect your baby because nobody else will.

Also, how lovely that you and your sister have babies the same age - are you close? Would it be an option for both of you to work say 4 days a week and look after both kids on your days off to reduce childcare? If your relationship with your sister is otherwise good try not to be too harsh on her for this it's a very tough situation all round.

I am and have been in a similar situation. My mum has been with someone for 15 years also, I have 2 children ages 5&3 ( a girl and a boy) I stopped seeing my mum 3 years ago, my son was literally 6 months old at the time. Because a lot of stuff came out about her husband, before I got married and was still living at home he was very abusive emotionally and physically to all of us, at 13 my mums husband sexually assaulted me. Something I told my mum at the time but she laughed at me and Called me a liar, we grew apart but when my daughter was born we got kind of close again and she would always bring her husband on visits. When it all came out about 3 years ago and I confessed to my husband he made it very clear he did not want me, or our children near my mums husband, my mum was still calling me a liar and literally called everyone up in my family including my father saying the things I was coming out with were not true, I was so upset and told her right out it was either me and her grandkids or him, she chose him and I didn’t see or speak to her for 3 years. A few months ago she called me wanted to speak to me apologising and confiding in me that he was so emotionally and physically abusive to her, that he had caused her to go into such a deep depression that she now relies on medication even to sleep. He hasn’t just put me theough he’ll he has also done it to my brothers who still live and home and my mum told me he was horrible to both of them and that he pays nothing towards anything and makes her pay everything and “ lend “ money from her. I obviously felt bad for her, I know it’s hard for people in abusive relationships and hard for them to leave, she told me she was sorry for everything and that she wanted to see the kids.

I decided to give her another chance, invited her down,the minute she got in my house and I went upstairs to get something she called up her husband and was showing my kids on a video call to him, telling my children to say “ hi to grandad” I only knew about this because my children came running up to me telling me mummy we have another grandad, I was absolutely furious even though I had put it clear to her before the visit that she was to come alone and not talk to him on the phone during the visit whilst she was with me and the kids. I felt so betrayed she went as far as to tell my kids they have another grandad, my daughter told me that nanny also was telling her this is your grandad say hi grandad. I was furious and I have not seen her again since nor will I be letting her because as bad as I feel for her, I have her another chance, she missed out on 3 years of her grandkids life and still chose to come down and do that on our visit. She clearly cannot accept that I do not want a man who sexually assaulted and physically abused me me as a child near my children and I think it’s disgusting.

You need to set ground rules,you need to tell her you don’t want your kids near her boyfriend. If she doesn’t listen I would just suggest letting your children go their unattended. With the situation regarding calling him grandad, I had to keep reminding my poor children who were so confused that he was not their grandad and not to listen to nanny.

Thanks again for all the new comments. All completely correct and the right way to think. It’s not that we cannot afford childcare, we could afford a couple of days a week it’s just my mum was so insistent during my pregnancy that she would respect my wishes and you want to trust your mum don’t you so at the time I agreed.. but her actions since the babies have been born have clearly proved she remains untrustworthy and I definitely will always protect my baby from having the childhood I had too!
Even if it means a lower standard of living I would always put my baby’s safety first so thanks so much for putting this all into perspective for me guys. I’ve been told so many times to respect my mums choices so I second guess if I’m being unreasonable sometimes so this really helped!!! Many thanks xxx

I know it's expensive but I think you need to trust your instincts and decline the childcare. You have a bad feeling about this guy for a reason...

And I say that as someone who would never trust my own mother alone with my daughter - a big part of that is that she is still with my violent father.

@AgathaAllAlong

Also, how lovely that you and your sister have babies the same age - are you close? Would it be an option for both of you to work say 4 days a week and look after both kids on your days off to reduce childcare? If your relationship with your sister is otherwise good try not to be too harsh on her for this it's a very tough situation all round.

We are very close indeed and we have had a good chat about how we both feel about the situation. We are going to be doing a day a week each for each others childcare already which is a big help :)

As for the “only grandmother” thing, I completely understand how easy it is to fall into thinking a cosy grandmother is a childhood essential, but if the only grandmother on offer isn’t safe or responsible, a childhood is really much better with fewer, consistent, responsible adults in it. No grandmothers required.

@toomuchtooold

Having shit parents is the gift that just keeps on giving. You can't trust her to do childcare, you're going to have to pay for it, and everyone will think you're minted and snobby and that you have a charmed life. I'm maybe projecting my own experience there a bit . But it's true. You'll have to protect your baby because nobody else will.

This. Unfortunately speaking from experience . Finding childcare is 100% the right thing to do .

@Zee23

I am and have been in a similar situation. My mum has been with someone for 15 years also, I have 2 children ages 5&3 ( a girl and a boy) I stopped seeing my mum 3 years ago, my son was literally 6 months old at the time. Because a lot of stuff came out about her husband, before I got married and was still living at home he was very abusive emotionally and physically to all of us, at 13 my mums husband sexually assaulted me. Something I told my mum at the time but she laughed at me and Called me a liar, we grew apart but when my daughter was born we got kind of close again and she would always bring her husband on visits. When it all came out about 3 years ago and I confessed to my husband he made it very clear he did not want me, or our children near my mums husband, my mum was still calling me a liar and literally called everyone up in my family including my father saying the things I was coming out with were not true, I was so upset and told her right out it was either me and her grandkids or him, she chose him and I didn’t see or speak to her for 3 years. A few months ago she called me wanted to speak to me apologising and confiding in me that he was so emotionally and physically abusive to her, that he had caused her to go into such a deep depression that she now relies on medication even to sleep. He hasn’t just put me theough he’ll he has also done it to my brothers who still live and home and my mum told me he was horrible to both of them and that he pays nothing towards anything and makes her pay everything and “ lend “ money from her. I obviously felt bad for her, I know it’s hard for people in abusive relationships and hard for them to leave, she told me she was sorry for everything and that she wanted to see the kids.

I decided to give her another chance, invited her down,the minute she got in my house and I went upstairs to get something she called up her husband and was showing my kids on a video call to him, telling my children to say “ hi to grandad” I only knew about this because my children came running up to me telling me mummy we have another grandad, I was absolutely furious even though I had put it clear to her before the visit that she was to come alone and not talk to him on the phone during the visit whilst she was with me and the kids. I felt so betrayed she went as far as to tell my kids they have another grandad, my daughter told me that nanny also was telling her this is your grandad say hi grandad. I was furious and I have not seen her again since nor will I be letting her because as bad as I feel for her, I have her another chance, she missed out on 3 years of her grandkids life and still chose to come down and do that on our visit. She clearly cannot accept that I do not want a man who sexually assaulted and physically abused me me as a child near my children and I think it’s disgusting.

You need to set ground rules,you need to tell her you don’t want your kids near her boyfriend. If she doesn’t listen I would just suggest letting your children go their unattended. With the situation regarding calling him grandad, I had to keep reminding my poor children who were so confused that he was not their grandad and not to listen to nanny.

I’m so sorry you went through that! My situation ofcourse isn’t as bad as that but I totally sympathise with the situation. I got so upset today just wishing I had a normal family and my son could just go to grandmas house like I did as a child. All we can do is give our babies the life we didn’t get as children. Thanks so much for your reply you sound like an amazing mother xxx

If you’re sharing childcare with your DSis but your DSis is still likely to allow contact with your DM, is that safe?

YABU only because you clearly aren't sticking to the boundaries you set yourself and it's obvious your mum won't keep your DD away from her partner whilst she is looking after her. It isn't a suitable arrangement for either parties and her partner sounds like he shouldn't be around children anyway. But yes YABU because you can't have it both ways. I would look into alternative childcare.

I’ve been told so many times to respect my mums choices so I second guess if I’m being unreasonable sometimes

Yeah, I had a feeling there were flying monkeys in the wings, pressurising you to ignore your own excellent instincts & comply with the family dysfunction ...

Next time someone instructs you to respect your mum's choices, I hope you feel empowered to tell them that you'd like to, but it's too hard to have any respect for choices that led to you being controlled, threatened & abused by her partner when you were a child.
And that as it's your job to protect your own child, you''ll be doing just that, because your mother cannot be trusted to.

I just wanted to second what others have said. This is an awful predicament for you but you should not leave DC with her under any circumstances. She cannot be trusted.

She could still visit DC, alone, at your house or go for outings, alone, with you all.

Are there really no other options? If not, you should sit down as you would with anyone looking after your child and state your expectations, rules, prohibitions and needs. If she steps over the line in any way, you ditch her and find a childminder asap. You need to be very ready with a backup plan because the only thing that will keep your mother in line is the threat of her not being involved at all in looking after your baby. If you think already she won't keep to your rules then I really think you have to find another option now. Sorry, those are some tough circumstances but if there's a chance of your baby being exposed to this arsehole I wouldn't do it.

This man is not your baby's grandfather . This man is your mother's companion whom you dislike and distrust. You need to make this plain to your mother, in simple language.

Ah I see you can afford childcare. Then yes - follow your mummy instincts and don't use her. Good luck xx

I agree with what others have said. And also wanted to say - you don’t owe your mum care of your baby. The most important thing is that your child is cared for in a safe place by people you trust. Absolutely nothing trumps that. Not your mum’s feelings, not your sister’s decisions, nothing. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed into thinking otherwise.

I’m sorry but how ever much childcare is unaffordable for you, you aren’t going to be able to trust your mother with your wishes not to take your baby to her house. You’re going to have to fine alternative childcare.

If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again

You don't need to "catch her"; from everything you've said you know perfectly well that she'll allow her partner contact - in fact you probably knew it before, but her choices since the babies have arrived just confirm it

Happily your updates sound more resolute, and for everyone's sake I just hope you mean it about finding other childcare and keeping the DCs away. You mum may moan and whine, but she's enabled this situation so she can deal with it

Don't accept the childcare from your mum and then you can be sure of who your baby is spending time with. Your mum can still see your baby but it will be on your terms.

Sorry, easy for us all to say but you need other childcare.
What if DMs partner decides to take drugs around your child ? Someone reports him. You could then be saddled with social services.
What if he spends so much time around your child and the first word that comes out of your childs mouth is f*k or c*t. Not good.
2nd bit.
Every single time your mum says to your baby "grandad " you say "No bill is Not their grandad. I will not have my child call him that.