I don’t want my baby near my mums partner!

[Rach2479]

So for context my mum has been with her boyfriend for around 15 years on and off. He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that. My sister feels the same but she’s a peace keeper and will tolerate more than me to keep everyone happy.

I had a baby 5 months ago, my sister also had a baby 8 months ago. While we were both pregnant we both agreed we would set a clear boundary with mum that the babies would never meet or be around her boyfriend, and mum understood and accepted that.

However, my mum has made a few comments such as calling her boyfriend “grandad” while FaceTiming him with my niece and generally pushing boundaries like that. My sister being the softy has a few times popped in at my mums for a cuppa and taken the baby into mums house and she has met the boyfriend a few times BUT that’s her business not mine.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him. I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything. I’m just so worried and I don’t know what to do about it all. :(

If she's offering free childcare you can't say where she is allowed to go.
You need a nursery or child minder, or you'll be on pins all day.

I don’t usually come on this thread but all PPs here are so right, this man is dishonest and violent and your mother has no strong boundaries, inevitably she will draw him into you kid’s life if she has half a chance. She doesn’t want to be made to feel she is sharing her life with an undesirable you can guarantee and won’t stick to your rules. . A local girl was raped and murdered by her grandmother’s boyfriend a few years ago. I used to see her in the playground, in fact she cheeked me quite a few times. It’s haunted me.

Ovary-up. Your mother can not provide childcare.

I had to limit my mother’s privilege’s because she chose to stay married to my abusive father. It’s awful, but your job is to protect your child.

Your mum is just as bad as him, she knows what he has done and she happily approves by still sticking with hi. ! Why are you even allowing her unsupervised around your child.

I don’t have the same situation as you but when my son was born I found it so hard to accept that my parents weren’t, and were never going to be, the perfect grandparents I would like them to be. I used to look at friends with reliable, dependable, invested parents who were round all the same, providing childcare 2 days a week, or taking the children out for weekend trips, or whatever, and I’d just feel so jealous. I always knew who they were of course, but there was a tiny part of me that thought they’d change after my son came along.

But over time I just came to terms with it. It’s a shame but people are who they are, they aren’t who we want them to be.

YABU - the cost of her childcare is too high

It’s good that you have such a strong relationship with your DSis and that you can help each other out with childcare. You should definitely stick to your guns about your Mum, though, and pay a childminder. At least you’re in a position to afford it.

I’m sorry about your Mum, that’s very hard to cope with. But you’re right not to trust her.

I feel the same about my mums partner and have similar issues with the whole grandad thing. BUT I won't use her for childcare so I don't put her in a shitty position. I don't think you're being fair to use her for childcare 2 days a week and say she isn't allowed in her own home.

Your mum has really failed you by staying with him. She's probably in an abusive relationship and you can feel sorry for her while also acknowledging how badly this has and continues to affect you. It's ok to maintain boundaries, it's ok to distance yourself from her and protect your baby at all costs. Your first and foremost duty is towards your baby - i know you know that but just remind yourself that when others try to pressure you into things you know instinctively are not right. Good luck!

My father put me in a similar situation. I’d explained clearly and repeatedly to him that while I was prepared for him to see my children, under no circumstances was his wife to have any contact with them. He always agreed to my terms, but it was just lip service, and within a few weeks would once again try to facilitate contact between my children and his wife.

Eventually, he succeeded, when he organised a video call between my daughter and his wife behind my back. When I discovered this, I terminated all contact with him. I came to realise that while I, like most parents, was obsessed with protecting my children, he was obsessed with getting his wife involved in their lives. He could not accept that he had to adhere to my boundaries. He was determined to ‘win’. He would never, ever have given up, or accept my simple conditions. It’s all about control for him. He is simply not prepared to be dictated to by me, albeit I am the mother of the children he wants to see.

My children were aged three and seven when I went no contact with him. I desperately wish I had cut him off years ago, so they wouldn’t have had to endure the pain and confusion of their grandfather suddenly disappearing from their lives. It has been truly devastating to try to explain to my children that they won’t see him again, and why. If you allow your mother to maintain contact with your son, be prepared to have to navigate this difficult situation in the future. It sounds as though she has no respect for your very sensible boundaries, and I doubt this will improve.

My story can serve as a bit of a warning. A couple of months ago, I received a solicitor’s letter indicating that both my father and his wife were seeking unsupervised access to my children, including overnight stays. I have had to instruct my own solicitor (something I cannot afford) to fight this. It has been the most stressful time of my life, with no end in sight. Good luck to you, and my sympathies. Remember, what you’re asking of your mother is perfectly reasonable, and achievable. She has no excuse for not adhering to your rules.

She didn’t put you and your sister first, so why would she suddenly start now with her grandkids?

Do not use her for childcare.

Oh, @Orphlids

The controlling fucker.
He has zero interest in your or your childrens' welfare, & is only persisting because he's a dysfunctional twat who cannot bear to lose what he perceives as control over your life.

I am so sorry, & am sure you are already up to your ears in advice, but unless he could prove previous residency, financial responsibilty for, & a history or care-giving, he's got no chance of winning his case.

It's still stressful & expensive though.

Once you've won, send him a bill for how much it cost you
(he won't pay, & I doubt you'd want him to, but there it is in black & white - the amount of £££ he's taken out of his DD's & GC's mouths, the shameful twat ...)
before blocking again & reverting to NC.

There is ALWAYS another solution.

Before I got pregnant with DC4 my mother told us she was going to buy a house closer to us so that she could provide regular childcare.
When I was 7 months pregnant she was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later.

We had to cope without free childcare. We did / are. In our case it meant I gave up my job to be a SAHM. We cut our cloth accordingly.

Honestly, i think it’s pretty obvious your mum will have her bf around when she’s looking after your baby.
If i were you i’d pay for childcare and have other supervised time with your mum and DS (weekends & hols)

@ChargingBuck thank you for your understanding and kind words. Just one letter from our solicitor cost us a whole year’s worth of our DD’s beloved dance class. I hope your level of understanding doesn’t come from having experienced something similarly awful.

i would never leave my child with a "notorious liar" to begin with. especially if they had already begun pushing your boundaries. i would seek alternative childcare. she can still be a grandma, just not be in sole charge of your child.

Id be wary about leaving them with your dsis tbh-she regularly takes her own child round there whats to stolp her taking yours

@whynotwhatknot

Id be wary about leaving them with your dsis tbh-she regularly takes her own child round there whats to stolp her taking yours

That is something you need to consider .

You cannot trust your mother. So don't.

I’ve said YABU because I wouldn’t leave my child with a person with such poor decision make skills.

I certainly wouldn’t leave my child with my mother if she prioritised an abusive partner over me as a child.

Not a fucking chance.

@whynotwhatknot

Id be wary about leaving them with your dsis tbh-she regularly takes her own child round there whats to stolp her taking yours

I agree. If she brings her baby to your mother's house who is to say she won't bring yours along too some day. Best to have paid childcare where none of your family are involved.

This sounds like an awful situation. I really don’t think you can let your Mum look after your child as it seems inevitable that she will expose them to her partner. And even aside from that, you need to stay really firm on the boundaries and not allow him to be referred to as grandad.

Don't set your mum up to fail. She will fail and you know she will, so don't let her do any childcare.

Well done you for keeping your baby away from this man. Your mum is unfortunately, in a DV relationship. You don't have to respect your mums decisions. Your mum is making shitty decisions - it's your choice if you allow her to remain in your life.

I'd guess your upbringing wasn't the best ? Must be tough to carry the inconsistencies of childhood into adulthood.

I think yabu, not in wanting your baby to be well away from your stepdad but in using your mum for childcare. You don't want your baby anywhere near him, so don't use your mum as childcare, simple. If you are happy to use your mum for free childcare then be prepared that she will likely ignore your feelings and wishes. I can't believe you would allow your mum to take care of your baby or even have contact with her if he raised a fist to you and she didn't do anything about It? If she don't put her own daughter's welfare first why would she put your child's?

find different childcare. If you cannot trust her to do as you ask, which clearly she wont, you need to find alternative childcare.
simple as

You're being massively unreasonable to leave your precious baby with your mum. She wouldn't protect you nor herself from this man, she won't protect the baby. Get a nursery or childminder instead.