I don’t want my baby near my mums partner!

[Rach2479]

So for context my mum has been with her boyfriend for around 15 years on and off. He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that. My sister feels the same but she’s a peace keeper and will tolerate more than me to keep everyone happy.

I had a baby 5 months ago, my sister also had a baby 8 months ago. While we were both pregnant we both agreed we would set a clear boundary with mum that the babies would never meet or be around her boyfriend, and mum understood and accepted that.

However, my mum has made a few comments such as calling her boyfriend “grandad” while FaceTiming him with my niece and generally pushing boundaries like that. My sister being the softy has a few times popped in at my mums for a cuppa and taken the baby into mums house and she has met the boyfriend a few times BUT that’s her business not mine.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him. I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything. I’m just so worried and I don’t know what to do about it all. :(

Honestly your mum cannot be trusted to safeguard your child above her boyfriend so I wouldn’t be using her for childcare EVER.

Yes she’s your child grandma and she can have a relationship with your child but only with you present. Sorry but otherwise your child could be put at risk of harm- I say this as he is abusing your mum and your child will see this.

I would also be telling her very clearly “no mum, xxx isn’t baby’s grandad, insert your fathers name is”

Then it will all be turned on you when you get upset about it. Or it will be thrown in your face that she's doing you a favour so has the right to do what she wants.

Exactly this. Boundary-pushers gotta keep pushing.
& dysfunctional ones who prioritise abusive men over their children's safety & wellbeing always need somebody else to blame for their decisions.

Let’s face it, your mum is already pushing boundaries and moving the goalposts by saying she’ll take your baby to hers when the partner is out, and buying baby stuff to keep there. She WILL expose your baby to her partner against your wishes behind your back.

You cannot use her for childcare if you want to keep your baby safe from this man. Choose to protect your child.

she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

For this reason alone you need to find alternative childcare. You don’t trust her (for good reason!) to keep your baby safe and away from this abusive, horrible man.

She didn’t protect you so I think it’s unlikely that she will protect your child.
You can protect your child.

She can’t be used for childcare if you don’t want your child around this man.

You're mother is as vile as he is. She allowed a situation where you had to leave home because of his abuse. I cannot understand why you'd want anything to do with either of them. Your mother is controlling and manipulative. Keep your child away from her.

Sorry op, but your mum has subjected you to a man who raised his fist to you, her daughter. She put him first. What if your baby cries a lot and he becomes angry and shakes your child? He is not safe. If something happened, God forbid, and it became clear you knew of his background you would be in a difficult position. You know who he is. Your mum does too but always puts him first.

How can you work worrying about what is going on? Your child is meant to be safe and secure and you need to have confidence in the placement so you can do your job properly.

It is the cheapest option for you op, but you could have a high price to pay. I am sorry.

If you leave your baby with your mum and she takes them to spend some time with this violent arsehole that’s on you, although it sounds unlikely your baby will come to any harm
You know she will but you are risking it for the sake of free childcare.
Unless there has been a change of circumstances then you shouldn’t have a baby if you can’t afford childcare or to stay at home as it puts you in a vulnerable position.

This has disaster written all over it.
You’d only be worried every time your mum is caring for your child. Yes it can be costly for childcare otherwise but seriously you’d rest in the knowledge that your child was being cared for properly!

Your mum lives with a controlling nutcase partner , you cannot expect her to be able or allowed to set the agenda . She couldn't or didn't protect you .

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work

how stupid.

Hi OP

What an awful situation to be in :( i'm so sorry. Having a baby while still working is so difficult purely because it's so expensive.

If you are looking at childcare, look into Tax Free Childcare Scheme. You may well be entitled to it and it does help towards the costs of childcare.

Best of luck

You mustn't leave your baby with your mother, OP. Her partner is a real threat to both babies. It only takes one violent action, which he frequently commits.

I'm sorry that your mum and her partner have put you in this dreadful situation. She never protected you and your sister from this thug, so she isn't going to start behaving responsibly now.

This is a sad situation. I have to say I would really limit contact with DM too.
If she won't leave him.. you don't want to interact with her partner for good reason.. it's best thing to do for you. Boundaries have to be very clear.

I don't like what you said about her calling him grandad, putting him on the facetime... she's trying to coax you in to getting used to the idea of him being around. She doesn't respect your feeling and can't be trusted to uphold your expectations. Low contact needed.

Your mum hasn’t changed from the time she failed to keep you safe. Her denial is dangerous not just for herself. You know the impact you have felt from your experiences of him, it will be very stressful worrying what is happening whilst you are at work. I cannot see how it would work because your mum cannot follow your wishes. You have such a strong reason to object to his involvement, keep yourself mentally safe, keep your children safe and don’t use her for childcare. I am sorry you are in this difficult situation. My only thought would be like a nanny cam at your house so you could see she was there, she needs to show some acknowledgement of your concerns though.

@GabriellaMontez

It's a horrible situation for you. I wouldn't have my baby anywhere near this man. As your mum seems to think it's a bit of a joke, I wouldn't trust her either.

This 👆

Free childcare or not if she was my mum she’d not be helping out
Also I’d be correcting her over the grandad thing quite strongly and repeatedly

I think you need to find alternative childcare. Your mum sadly can’t be trusted with your baby.

Your mother never put your welfare (or your sister's) first given what you have said - why would she put your child first now? I'd be going NC to be honest and leaving her to her preferred choice

Your mum failed to protect you from this man. She will absolutely fail to protect your child from him. There is no doubt about that at all. You need to find alternative childcare or not go back to work. It really is that simple. That’s not saying it’s easy. But it is simple.

Theres only two options
Free childcare with your mum and her boyfriend or you pay for childcare elsewhere

Your mum's choice of partner shows a great deal about her lack of judgement. I would not want my baby to be in her sole charge let alone anywhere near her partner.