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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want my baby near my mums partner!

186 replies

Rach2479 · 25/06/2021 12:20

So for context my mum has been with her boyfriend for around 15 years on and off. He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that. My sister feels the same but she’s a peace keeper and will tolerate more than me to keep everyone happy.

I had a baby 5 months ago, my sister also had a baby 8 months ago. While we were both pregnant we both agreed we would set a clear boundary with mum that the babies would never meet or be around her boyfriend, and mum understood and accepted that.

However, my mum has made a few comments such as calling her boyfriend “grandad” while FaceTiming him with my niece and generally pushing boundaries like that. My sister being the softy has a few times popped in at my mums for a cuppa and taken the baby into mums house and she has met the boyfriend a few times BUT that’s her business not mine.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him. I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything. I’m just so worried and I don’t know what to do about it all. :(

OP posts:
Heronsnest · 25/06/2021 12:38

There really is only one solution OP - you cannot leave your vulnerable baby with your mum.

Thedogscollar · 25/06/2021 12:39

What a nightmare OP. As other pp have said this would be a most definite No way to Mum looking after baby. You would just worry all the time thinking of your baby being held by that vile man. Baby being exposed to his behaviour and language would not be the best start at all.
Does your work provide a creche? Or do you have a friend you could trade childcare with on your days off.
Trust your gut I always say you are doing the right thing keep your baby away from this man and he is in no way a grandad. He doesn't deserve the title.
Good luck it's tough with a new baby and childcare. Flowers

Aprilx · 25/06/2021 12:41

You cannot use her for childcare. And to be honest, I am not even sure I would be in touch with her at all, she put this vile man before her children.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 25/06/2021 12:41

I wouldn't let your mum be alone with your DC let alone this awful man. Clearly your mum has absolutely awful judgment and/or puts her relationship above the safety and well being of her family. She's not trustworthy enough to care for your child. You need to work under the assumption that your mum isn't available for childcare and work from there. Just do whatever you would do if your mum lived 1000 miles away.

LagunaBubbles · 25/06/2021 12:42

You need to find alternative childcare.

socalledfriend · 25/06/2021 12:44

YANBU not to want your child anywhere near this piece of shit.

YABVU to subject your child to him by allowing DM to provide childcare. You know he will bully/manipulate her so that the child spends time with her.

You have to find alternative childcare.

socalledfriend · 25/06/2021 12:44

spends time with him

Warsawa31 · 25/06/2021 12:44

Yeah to echo others you must find alternative childcare.

You can't reel of a list of how bad someone is and then give your child to your mum who you know will just break her word and expose you baby to someone you describe as scum.

When you become a parent the buck stops with you - childcare for two days a week if about 350 quid a month for us - look at government tax free childcare to save 20%

Move some bills around, economise on your food shopping, cancel sky, stop smoking, sell your car and get a cheaper one, get a bike if you rely on the bus, get a bus if you use taxis, get a 2nd job in the evenings if your partner can watch the baby for you.

Honestly unless this is really a last resort i think you be crazy to give your baby to your mum two days a week and I get you should be able to trust her but from the snapshot you provided how can you ?

Fitforforty · 25/06/2021 12:45

Why would you allow someone you describe as a notorious lair and who you can’t trust to look after your child alone? She can still have a relationship without doing childcare.

KateTheEighth · 25/06/2021 12:45

Find alternative childcare

It's a no brainer

Jelly0naplate · 25/06/2021 12:46

You already know this man is going to be around your child if your mum has baby for childcare. You know this. She's already pushing boundaries.
Do something about this now. Every time she refers to him as grandad you need to be pulling her up on it 'sorry mum but X is not a part of baby's life and isn't going to be referred to as Grandad'.

It is your job to protect baby and leaving your child in this situation is not it. Sorry to be harsh.
You must arrange alternative childcare. Grandma I'd welcome to visit at your house/other location with you there, you're not cutting her out.

BingBongToTheMoon · 25/06/2021 12:47

Sorry but it’s not hard…..find different childcare!
She will have your baby with Granddad the minute you set foot out your front door!

Summerfun54321 · 25/06/2021 12:47

my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work

You know that’s a terrible idea don’t you?

PurpleyBlue · 25/06/2021 12:48

I think you have to be very careful here, don't leave your baby with your mum. She can come and visit baby at your house or go and trips with you. Your child is your responsibility now, it's great to be able to save money on childcare but that is no good if your child is at risk of being exposed to this man.

Couchbettato · 25/06/2021 12:48

I think you need to review your situation. Maybe drop a few hours. Look at universal credit to top you up. See if you can get the 75% off childcare they offer. Or ask other family that you trust.

No way in hell would I let my kid be around someone like that. And I'm sorry but your mum is complicit if she has displayed untrustworthy behaviour.

Whether she's a victim in her own right is beside the point. She isn't changing her circumstances but she shouldn't bring your baby into them.

RickiTarr · 25/06/2021 12:49

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

You know it. We know it. The only way to keep the boundary firm is to find other childcare.

Sympathies. Family dysfunction is no fun. Flowers

Can you afford the childcare you need without her? Have you looked at options and subsidises? Do you have a supportive partner or coparent?

If you are taking the full 9 or 12 months ML, you have a little bit of thinking time left.

Original poster
Rach2479 · 25/06/2021 12:49

Thanks so much for everyone’s replies! Don’t worry if they sound harsh, I don’t disagree with any of you. I guess I knew her childcare offer wouldn’t work out I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable considering my sister has a different approach. I’ll start looking into childcare! Thanks again xxx

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 25/06/2021 12:49

You can’t use your mum for childcare and then dictate who she’s in contact with while providing that care. You need to make alternative arrangements.

somersault · 25/06/2021 12:50

It sounds like your mum is in denial about the problems with him and given she lies will have him in contact with your baby. I absolutely would look for alternative childcare. Your baby can't protect them self or tell you how things are when you leave them there.

Horehound · 25/06/2021 12:50

This is very simple. You just cannot leave your baby with her. It is obvious she WILL take your baby to her house and be in her BF company

Imagine if something happens, you'd never forgive yourself. He sounds vile.

PurpleyBlue · 25/06/2021 12:50

Must be hard to trust your instincts when someone else is just carrying on as if it's all fine. Well done, trust your gut.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/06/2021 12:51

Of course she will.
She was comfortable with him around her own DC.

Grace58 · 25/06/2021 12:52

Agree with everyone else, you absolutely cannot use her for childcare. You’d spend the whole time worrying about it even if you went ahead. Definitely protect your child here and find an alternative!

SirVixofVixHall · 25/06/2021 12:52

Sadly for you, I think if you can’t trust your Mum then you can’t use her for childcare. I would not risk my baby around a man like that, but also with someone who wouldn’t tell the truth.
Does your Mum do drugs too ? Why does she lie ? Sounds like your Mum needs the Freedom programme.
Very difficult situation OP, if you and your sister made a stand together it would be easier.
And as for “Grandad” !! What on earth is she thinking ?

HavelockVetinari · 25/06/2021 12:52

You can't leave your baby with your mother - she is a liar with poor judgement, that's a recipe for disaster! It's literally unsafe, you would be negligent to leave a little baby with her.