I don’t want my baby near my mums partner!

[Rach2479]

So for context my mum has been with her boyfriend for around 15 years on and off. He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that. My sister feels the same but she’s a peace keeper and will tolerate more than me to keep everyone happy.

I had a baby 5 months ago, my sister also had a baby 8 months ago. While we were both pregnant we both agreed we would set a clear boundary with mum that the babies would never meet or be around her boyfriend, and mum understood and accepted that.

However, my mum has made a few comments such as calling her boyfriend “grandad” while FaceTiming him with my niece and generally pushing boundaries like that. My sister being the softy has a few times popped in at my mums for a cuppa and taken the baby into mums house and she has met the boyfriend a few times BUT that’s her business not mine.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him. I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything. I’m just so worried and I don’t know what to do about it all. :(

You can’t use her as childcare.

Good decision OP, and good luck finding a nice childminder or nursery. It's worth asking around neighbours, people with slightly older kids tend to know the majority of places as one or another friend will have used them.

I think unfortunately you need to find a way to pay for childcare. Your mum isn't going to be reliable or trusting enough. It's not worth it in the long run.

I hope you manage to keep a relationship with your mum, but if not, don't worry about lack of grandparents. Good grandparents add a lot to a child's life. Bad ones don't.

I never knew my grandparents (all passed away) and as a child I didn't miss what I'd never had.

Thanks again for the kind words ladies. I had a conversation with my mum just to reiterate that I still didn’t want my son to be involved with her partner and my boundaries still stand regardless of my sister changing hers, and I did it in the most respectful and polite way. She responded that she totally understands etc. Then went to my sister and said I had “hurt her” and I apparently “want to be careful or I won’t get any help”.
Safe to say I won’t be accepting any “help” from her whether I’m present or not.
This certainly has proved she does not respect my boundaries at all.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s better to cut off the toxicity from my life and accept that we would rather adjust to her absence altogether!
Thank you so much for all your lovely words, the kindness of strangers is amazing xxx

@Orphlids

My father put me in a similar situation. I’d explained clearly and repeatedly to him that while I was prepared for him to see my children, under no circumstances was his wife to have any contact with them. He always agreed to my terms, but it was just lip service, and within a few weeks would once again try to facilitate contact between my children and his wife.

Eventually, he succeeded, when he organised a video call between my daughter and his wife behind my back. When I discovered this, I terminated all contact with him. I came to realise that while I, like most parents, was obsessed with protecting my children, he was obsessed with getting his wife involved in their lives. He could not accept that he had to adhere to my boundaries. He was determined to ‘win’. He would never, ever have given up, or accept my simple conditions. It’s all about control for him. He is simply not prepared to be dictated to by me, albeit I am the mother of the children he wants to see.

My children were aged three and seven when I went no contact with him. I desperately wish I had cut him off years ago, so they wouldn’t have had to endure the pain and confusion of their grandfather suddenly disappearing from their lives. It has been truly devastating to try to explain to my children that they won’t see him again, and why. If you allow your mother to maintain contact with your son, be prepared to have to navigate this difficult situation in the future. It sounds as though she has no respect for your very sensible boundaries, and I doubt this will improve.

My story can serve as a bit of a warning. A couple of months ago, I received a solicitor’s letter indicating that both my father and his wife were seeking unsupervised access to my children, including overnight stays. I have had to instruct my own solicitor (something I cannot afford) to fight this. It has been the most stressful time of my life, with no end in sight. Good luck to you, and my sympathies. Remember, what you’re asking of your mother is perfectly reasonable, and achievable. She has no excuse for not adhering to your rules.

Did it go to court?

Follow your instincts. You think she will lie and let him meet baby because she will. You need to protect your child.

He could harm baby because he doesn’t like you he is a piece of S and has no morals

Yea sounds like stepping away the best option.

Be easier all round to be honest or you'll be constantly fighting off her attempts to wear you down

Well done, OP good call.

"Then went to my sister and said I had “hurt her” and I apparently “want to be careful or I won’t get any help”." That is cruel but she is being manipulative. So ignore her. I'd say she has hurt you by being rather untrustworthy.

@Italiangreyhound

Well done, OP good call.

"Then went to my sister and said I had “hurt her” and I apparently “want to be careful or I won’t get any help”." That is cruel but she is being manipulative. So ignore her. I'd say she has hurt you by being rather untrustworthy.

This 100 per cent. You are being careful!! She is holding the offer of conditional help over you and you have made it clear and transparent that the "conditions" do not suit you. Its very good that you politely told her exactly what the situation was and why and you've been open and honest with your sister. This shows her and the Scumbag that you are not going to be pressurised or manipulated. You are also setting an example to her about what it means to safeguard a child.

If she wasn't your mum, but just a woman you know who offered childcare, would you choose her to look after your baby?