I don’t want my baby near my mums partner!

[Rach2479]

So for context my mum has been with her boyfriend for around 15 years on and off. He’s a total scumbag, I don’t just not like him, he’s been in prison for football violence since he’s been in our lives, he’s set someone’s house on fire he didn’t like, he’s grown drugs, he does drugs, he scams benefits, he’s emotionally abusive and controlling to my mum, he shouts and swears every 3 words, he storms around and slams doors. He gets into fights with random people, he’s called me every name under the sun and he even raised his fist to me once. I had to leave my home at a young age to get away from him. He is the epitome of scum. But regardless my mum will never leave him and we’ve had to accept that. My sister feels the same but she’s a peace keeper and will tolerate more than me to keep everyone happy.

I had a baby 5 months ago, my sister also had a baby 8 months ago. While we were both pregnant we both agreed we would set a clear boundary with mum that the babies would never meet or be around her boyfriend, and mum understood and accepted that.

However, my mum has made a few comments such as calling her boyfriend “grandad” while FaceTiming him with my niece and generally pushing boundaries like that. My sister being the softy has a few times popped in at my mums for a cuppa and taken the baby into mums house and she has met the boyfriend a few times BUT that’s her business not mine.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work and as much as I massively appreciate it because childcare is unaffordable.. I’m scared that because she gets away with it with my niece she’s going to take my baby to her house with her boyfriend while I’m at work. She has referred to him as my baby’s grandad too before and said things like “well if he’s at the pub one day I would take him to my house” but she’s a notorious liar and I’m scared she’s just going to do what she wants and lie to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? If I catch her I would never be able to let my baby be with her alone again but she’s his only grandma and that would kill me to cut off his only grandmother from him. I feel like because my sister has let it slide she now isn’t going to take those rules seriously and has now bought baby items to keep at her house and everything. I’m just so worried and I don’t know what to do about it all. :(

You are being massively unreasonable to have your mother as a childcare option in this situation.

I wouldn't let my mum be alone with the baby.

Hiya @Orphlids - not similar in scenario, but similar in degree of outrageous familial "Cluster B" entitlement & hypocrisy - I imagine you get the personality disorder reference?
(in dark moments, I now refer to my 2 as "the clusterBfucks" ... )

But a good deal of experience of the overwhelming frustration & powerlessness of dealing with a committedly dysfunctional & malicious personality within the family environment, including abuses one would want to pull any child clear of.

We live & learn my friend. And sometimes, we just live - which for us survivors, is often perfectly good enough xx

Op I get it. My dm is much the same. I could go on and on about her “d”h but it changes nothing.

I wouldn’t trust mine with my dog let alone my dc. She didn’t protect me she won’t protect my dc.
Your dm sounds the same. She will be the one missing out because of her shit taste in men not your ds.

I definitely get it. My DM failed to protect my DSis and me from being sexually abused by my F and others. Thankfully, he’s dead now, which means that there’s no actual safeguarding risk to my DDs (now 12 and 9).

The issue came with my DB. He was also abused (though not by my F), but he was also groomed into abusing my DSis and me. We reported it to the police when telling them everything else. They didn’t charge him, as they decided that there was no public interest in doing so (we agreed with them).

But it meant that neither my DSis nor I wanted him to be around our DC. He had previously been grumpy around them, due to his MH issues, and sometimes shouted at them, which was another good reason to go stop any contact.

My DM accepted this decision, and hasn’t had him at her house on the rare occasions when she’s had one of my DDs for a sleepover. She guilt trips me by telling me how hard he’s finding the lack of contact and how lonely he is. But my DH and I have managed to maintain occasional contact with my DB, though not with our DDs. I see him very rarely because he’s triggering to be around.

But it would have been a very different story if she had invited my DB around to her house when she had one of my DDs there and I had found out about it afterwards.

Thank you all once again for the replies, you are absolutely right. Except for the whole leaving my child with my sister thing - she really is my closest person she is more of a mum to me than anybody and I trust her with my life, she would never go against my wishes and I could bet my life on it, she is just the kind of person who will always “keep the peace” on her end, she feels bad for the help our mum gives her since having her baby so has let things slide because of that (I’ve preached to her on the phone today about how stupid it is and how she owes mum nothing but that’s my sister lol, always been that way) but I can reassure you she would never go against my boundaries, she’s an angel on earth that gal, a little too much evidentially.
Regarding my mum I plucked up the courage and messaged her today just reminding her that although my sister has changed her mind, I absolutely have not changed mine and will not have him referred to as “grandad” or anywhere near my baby. In the meantime, me and my partner are now researching child minders local to us and working out a plan.
I do forget often how my mum absolutely failed me and just because I’m used to it, doesn’t make it ok! My baby will never suffer for her poor life choices. The one thing I learnt from mum was how not to parent my child lol!!
But again thank you for all the kind words and advice etc, for once I feel validated in sticking up to her and doing what I know is right. Really so appreciated! Xxx

@LizzieW1969

I definitely get it. My DM failed to protect my DSis and me from being sexually abused by my F and others. Thankfully, he’s dead now, which means that there’s no actual safeguarding risk to my DDs (now 12 and 9).

The issue came with my DB. He was also abused (though not by my F), but he was also groomed into abusing my DSis and me. We reported it to the police when telling them everything else. They didn’t charge him, as they decided that there was no public interest in doing so (we agreed with them).

But it meant that neither my DSis nor I wanted him to be around our DC. He had previously been grumpy around them, due to his MH issues, and sometimes shouted at them, which was another good reason to go stop any contact.

My DM accepted this decision, and hasn’t had him at her house on the rare occasions when she’s had one of my DDs for a sleepover. She guilt trips me by telling me how hard he’s finding the lack of contact and how lonely he is. But my DH and I have managed to maintain occasional contact with my DB, though not with our DDs. I see him very rarely because he’s triggering to be around.

But it would have been a very different story if she had invited my DB around to her house when she had one of my DDs there and I had found out about it afterwards.

So sorry you went though this - thanks so much for sharing. Hope you’re doing so well xxx

@Orphlids

My father put me in a similar situation. I’d explained clearly and repeatedly to him that while I was prepared for him to see my children, under no circumstances was his wife to have any contact with them. He always agreed to my terms, but it was just lip service, and within a few weeks would once again try to facilitate contact between my children and his wife.

Eventually, he succeeded, when he organised a video call between my daughter and his wife behind my back. When I discovered this, I terminated all contact with him. I came to realise that while I, like most parents, was obsessed with protecting my children, he was obsessed with getting his wife involved in their lives. He could not accept that he had to adhere to my boundaries. He was determined to ‘win’. He would never, ever have given up, or accept my simple conditions. It’s all about control for him. He is simply not prepared to be dictated to by me, albeit I am the mother of the children he wants to see.

My children were aged three and seven when I went no contact with him. I desperately wish I had cut him off years ago, so they wouldn’t have had to endure the pain and confusion of their grandfather suddenly disappearing from their lives. It has been truly devastating to try to explain to my children that they won’t see him again, and why. If you allow your mother to maintain contact with your son, be prepared to have to navigate this difficult situation in the future. It sounds as though she has no respect for your very sensible boundaries, and I doubt this will improve.

My story can serve as a bit of a warning. A couple of months ago, I received a solicitor’s letter indicating that both my father and his wife were seeking unsupervised access to my children, including overnight stays. I have had to instruct my own solicitor (something I cannot afford) to fight this. It has been the most stressful time of my life, with no end in sight. Good luck to you, and my sympathies. Remember, what you’re asking of your mother is perfectly reasonable, and achievable. She has no excuse for not adhering to your rules.

Thank you so much and wow! I’m so shocked and appalled for your situation bless you, I hope it all comes out in the wash soon enough for you. Honestly people don’t realise how lucky they are to have normal families, I would love that!

Parents are so messed up sometimes. For example my sister had a girl and I had a boy (my mum only had girls) and it’s clear to see how much mum dotes on my niece over my son.. and made comments such as “girls are just so special”.
Like gender determines how much you favour your grandkids to one another!!

I can’t wait to be the parent she never was, that’s one good thing to come out of the crappy hand we were dealt I guess

OP you've had a baby I doubt you did that on the reliance that your Mum would be your childcare. What were your I initial plans? Where is child's father? You will just have to make alternative childcare and, lots of us have had to. If your Mum is your only option then that is strange I mean what would you have done if she'd said no?

hey OP, good to see your updates & the bond you describe with your sister is so heartening, as is your determination to break the cycle of abuse by being a very different parent than your mother.

So keep reminding each other how bad it was! - because a default victim pattern is to minimise abuse, so I understand where you are coming from when you say sometimes it's hard to remember.

That Scumbag doesn't get to call himself grandad on your watch either.

PP upthread have wisely pointed out that you would be reasonable to bring your mum up short about this every time she does it. It's also a sensible thing to do - it redefines your boundary every time you state it, & reminds you of the stakes your mum is playing with when she undermines you with her "only when he's in the pub" manipulations ...

Best of luck to you, you & sis sound like a lovely family.

Yabu using her to look after your baby.

She's not suitable.

@DeeCeeCherry

OP you've had a baby I doubt you did that on the reliance that your Mum would be your childcare. What were your I initial plans? Where is child's father? You will just have to make alternative childcare and, lots of us have had to. If your Mum is your only option then that is strange I mean what would you have done if she'd said no?

My partner is in the picture but his family all work full time so can only help out as and when, also has a complicated relationship with his unreliable mother lol! I didn’t say my mum was my only childcare option, when I was pregnant I opened up about being worried about the costs of childcare and she would constantly insist she would care for the babies at mine and my sisters houses and respect our boundaries and I really hoped she would pull through this time and change for the babies but her behaviour suggests otherwise since they’ve been born. I didn’t want to use her when she started pushing boundaries but as my sister let everything slide I wondered if I was being unreasonable not wanting to trust her. Clearly, I’m not being unreasonable and feel confident about this now thanks to all the ladies here!

Sorry if I didn’t make it clear with my post, not the best articulator at times!
Also, did not get pregnant on the basis mum would look after baby. He was an accident, but after a few loses a very happy one so we made it work, even sold and bought a house during a pandemic to make it work

@DeflatedGinDrinker

Yabu using her to look after your baby.

Thank you! I’m not using her by the way, I just agreed to her offer of childcare during pregnancy but since he’s been born based on her behaviours I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable not trusting her. I will not be using her now, and haven’t used her haha!

@Rach2479

I can’t wait to be the parent she never was, that’s one good thing to come out of the crappy hand we were dealt I guess

You already are.

@ChargingBuck

hey OP, good to see your updates & the bond you describe with your sister is so heartening, as is your determination to break the cycle of abuse by being a very different parent than your mother.

So keep reminding each other how bad it was! - because a default victim pattern is to minimise abuse, so I understand where you are coming from when you say sometimes it's hard to remember.

That Scumbag doesn't get to call himself grandad on your watch either.

PP upthread have wisely pointed out that you would be reasonable to bring your mum up short about this every time she does it. It's also a sensible thing to do - it redefines your boundary every time you state it, & reminds you of the stakes your mum is playing with when she undermines you with her "only when he's in the pub" manipulations ...

Best of luck to you, you & sis sound like a lovely family.

Aww thank you so much! A really lovely and such well worded piece of advice. Really appreciate it so much, I will absolutely pull her up every time she does it now because letting me down is one thing but she’s not doing it to my son! Thanks again so kind of you xxx

[quote TheTuesdayPringle]@Rach2479

I can’t wait to be the parent she never was, that’s one good thing to come out of the crappy hand we were dealt I guess

You already are.[/quote]
Thank you so so much x

Honestly? No way would I be accepting her offer for childcare, in your shoes I wouldn't trust her judgment and I wouldn't trust her to keep baby away from him so I think you're absolutely right to make the decision you have

My dad was abusive and as a result I decided while pregnant that my child would NEVER be within arms reach of him - and I stuck to that

I couldn't trust mum not least as she didn't believe me so I also sadly had to make the decision that she would never have sole care of my child either

My dd saw my mum and very very rarely my dad when I was with her, NEVER at any other time.

My mum then chose to not make any effort with dd as she got older and they're not very close. Dd is fine and understands why I made those decisions. Isn't fussed about not being close to her gran she has plenty of other loving people in her life.

Its mum that's really missed out and it's as a result of her own choices, she has nobody to blame but herself

Similar to you my sister is more lax about the whole situation but she also disbelieves me

My brother has done same as me

And yes I would be being very clear with her that he is NOT your child's grandad and never will be

It's so difficult to discuss things like this with people who've no experience with toxic and/or abusive families they just don't get it a lot of the time

"But it's your muuuuum"

Yea and she stayed with an abusive dick and made us live with him, didn't protect us and didn't support us with the inevitable issues this caused. Let me/dd personally down every single time she had the opportunity to really be there for us even stuff not related to dad. Just completely distant. Everyone else was a greater priority to her. I no longer even bother asking for the slightest bit of help there's no point.

You have to protect your child, not only from the obvious potential abuse/effects from being around this man, but also from your mothers indifference and poor judgment

You really are already being a better mother than she ever was

No no no no no!!!!! I don't mean to be horrible but if she became ill or incapacitated or something you would have to manage financially - so presumably you have thought about that anyway?

Whatever you would do in that circumstance - do now! Please don't leave your baby with an unreliable parent and their abusive partner!

Your sister is at least with her DC when she visits. You won't be there. You will worry yourself sick even if if there isn't a problem, so nip this in the bud now.

@Graphista

Honestly? No way would I be accepting her offer for childcare, in your shoes I wouldn't trust her judgment and I wouldn't trust her to keep baby away from him so I think you're absolutely right to make the decision you have

My dad was abusive and as a result I decided while pregnant that my child would NEVER be within arms reach of him - and I stuck to that

I couldn't trust mum not least as she didn't believe me so I also sadly had to make the decision that she would never have sole care of my child either

My dd saw my mum and very very rarely my dad when I was with her, NEVER at any other time.

My mum then chose to not make any effort with dd as she got older and they're not very close. Dd is fine and understands why I made those decisions. Isn't fussed about not being close to her gran she has plenty of other loving people in her life.

Its mum that's really missed out and it's as a result of her own choices, she has nobody to blame but herself

Similar to you my sister is more lax about the whole situation but she also disbelieves me

My brother has done same as me

And yes I would be being very clear with her that he is NOT your child's grandad and never will be

It's so difficult to discuss things like this with people who've no experience with toxic and/or abusive families they just don't get it a lot of the time

"But it's your muuuuum"

Yea and she stayed with an abusive dick and made us live with him, didn't protect us and didn't support us with the inevitable issues this caused. Let me/dd personally down every single time she had the opportunity to really be there for us even stuff not related to dad. Just completely distant. Everyone else was a greater priority to her. I no longer even bother asking for the slightest bit of help there's no point.

You have to protect your child, not only from the obvious potential abuse/effects from being around this man, but also from your mothers indifference and poor judgment

You really are already being a better mother than she ever was

Oh bless you I really feel for you!! You’re absolutely spot on! There’s been times he did things like when he raised his fist and I’d go to my mum and her response would be “well it’s your word against his and you can’t make me choose between you two”

My baby was less than a second old when I realised I would put him before everyone and everything in this world!
God how did I think she would change haha.

Thank you so much, you also sound like an amazing mum, I bet you’re doing a smashing a job xxx

Babies don't need grandparents but they do need to be safe.

Sorry your Mum has never put you first. You deserve much more than she has offered. Enjoy your lovely baby, don't let her spoil it for you.

Ahh bless you! I've made mistakes we all do but hopefully not on the scale my mum did.

My dd is 20 now and she is living down south and studying/working away from home now, but we message most days and talk maybe 2/3 times a week. She makes me proud every day.

YABU for using her as childcare while she is with him. I would look into other options.

The issue is my mums doing my childcare 2 days a week when I go back to work.

You really didn’t think this one through. She’s been with this bloke for 15 years! She chose the path of least resistance by lying to your face and expecting you to cave when the time came. I understand how much you love your mother but she clearly can not be trusted and will lie to your face in order to get her own way.

She’s made it clear, time and time and again, her bf is her priority. To save yourself future disappointment, base your relationship on who she is and not who you want her to be.

I think you've done well not to fall into the family narrative of this bloke (what are they saying? ... 'he's not too bad', he was fitted up when he went to jail? 'hes like their grandad) etc etc.

It sounds as if your mum is massively untrustworthy... She's pretty likely to let this shit man be around your child.

Given his extreme violence and DV... Its the sort of thing social services would strongly advise against.

Your sister is completely daft letting this man anywhere near her small child...

Take it from me, I worked with many families where kids were profoundly damaged psychologically and had various injuries either directly from these men or just getting caught up in a fight. Let alone what they are learning about relationships.
Their mothers/partners thought these men were 'alright really'.

They weren't...

You have to think of worst case scenario... And there are lots of worse case scenarios with this man....