Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

363 replies

Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 07:04

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 24/06/2021 07:05

If Mums happy, everyone is happy.

Clearly your aren’t and have no idea how this misery is affecting you and your children.

You get one life -

Menora · 24/06/2021 07:06

YABU
I don’t agree with you, no. Parents should be happy too
But there are options such as relationship counselling you should at least consider first

BanginChoons · 24/06/2021 07:06

No, you don't.

Spandrel · 24/06/2021 07:06

I have a child. I adore him. My happiness did not case to be important the moment I gave birth. And no, I don’t think that preserving the family unit in anyway trumps my happiness.

TheQueef · 24/06/2021 07:06

It doesn't have to be like this.
You are allowed to want happiness.

DinosaurDiana · 24/06/2021 07:08

No, there is absolutely no need for you to stay together if you’re not happy.
Can you tell us what the problem is from your side ?
Would you consider counselling to try and save the marriage ?
And just in case, do you have your own bank account, do you work, do either of you have private pensions ?

Babymeanswashing · 24/06/2021 07:08

I think this is one of those where it depends.

I would personally stay in a dull but non abusive marriage, in the same way I’m happy to stay in a dull but ultimately beneficial job.

But it isn’t true that your happiness just doesn’t matter.

Kinsters · 24/06/2021 07:08

I think once you have kids there is a duty there to try your best to make the relationship work just because there's more at stake. But there's no obligation to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy just because you have kids.

Mummadeze · 24/06/2021 07:08

I feel the same. Not in theory but in practice. I can’t disrupt my DD’s life by instigating what would be a messy break up. I agree everyone should be happy but if I try to make myself happy, I will make two other people unhappy in the process. I am just waiting for now.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 24/06/2021 07:10

My parents stayed together "for the kids" for years longer than they should've done. It was blindingly obvious to us that they didn't like each other and it did all of us some damage. Us girls especially have made some very poor relationship choices and I believe it all stems down to that.

Shoxfordian · 24/06/2021 07:11

I don’t agree with you
Children are adaptable, they’ll get over it if you break up. The family unit isn’t something to be protected at all costs including your own mental well-being. If you’re unhappy then you should take some steps to resolve that

CalLightman · 24/06/2021 07:11

No no no! My parents stayed together for myself and my siblings and we could see how it changed them. You can't help it if you fall out of love with someone, yes it's perfectly fine to stay with a partner if that happens and you BOTH are happy to stay 'together'. But that's not the case here, my parents grew to resent each other badly, they fought constantly and it was vicious. They weren't happy but felt obliged to stay together due to us and simply being used to each other, they had an empty shell marriage and us children honestly wished they'd have separated because growing up in that environment was just plain toxic.

Not saying that'll happen to you but you're not happy in your current situation and that can cause all sorts of issues and feelings. You can't put your DC's happiness above your own well-being in this case.

Original poster
Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 07:11

There’s just not much investment or care from either side I suppose.
It’s been over five years since we had sex.
He doesn’t do anything around the house, and I mean absolutely nothing. Totally nothing.
I work but I earn a lot less than him so I’d be significantly poorer if we split. It would probably be manageable, but a struggle. He has a successful career and no doubt it’s stressful. His investment with the dc and me has been quite low.
But it’s ok, there’s no arguing or anything. The dc are happy and settled. Both are doing well at school.

OP posts:
DonLewis · 24/06/2021 07:12

Of course you don't. There's isn't a threshold for unhappiness that must be met before you leave a relationship. Will a bunch of strangers on the internet telling you so help?

It's ok to be unhappy, for there not to be any abuse, cheating or other horrors for you to say this isn't the life for me.

If you imagine a life where you're truly happy, what does it look like? Because I'd say that you could try and work towards that. Why not?

Tubbs99 · 24/06/2021 07:13

Believe me, if you’re unhappy in the relationship, your kids will pick up on it anyway.
Doesn’t help anyone. Far better to have have happy separated parents.

Chosennone · 24/06/2021 07:13

I disagree and my ex Dh and I split in the most grown up and calm manner we could. DC were young and accepted it very quickly. The living if separate lives and the resentment was just starting to build. I did not want them to live with years of that getting worse.
12 years later I am happy with my decision. I have married again and the DC love their stepdad. The relationship with their Dad is ok, particularly the older DC. The younger one loves him but is closer emotionally to her stepdad.
Allow yourself to be happy too.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 24/06/2021 07:14

If you're not happy, and you know that nothing (like marriage counselling etc) will make the relationship work again, then I actually think you owe it to your children not to model a bad relationship as normal while they're growing up.

Separating is hard but if there is no abuse it can be done amicably and may ultimately make everyone happier.

Original poster
Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 07:15

I just wonder how other people see it, I seem to have this absolutely massive guilt around it that paralyses me.
I feel like I made the vows, got married, had the dc and those things are as they are.
I don’t expect to be happy all the time, of course I don’t. And we are ok, we just rub along living quite separately in a lot of ways. Some days I barely see him. We don’t talk very much. We do go out occasionally for a day with the dc and it’s fine. I just feel very lonely, maybe he does too.
I don’t believe it to be fixable because it’s been this way for a very very long time. I’ve been married for 18 years and I’d say it’s been like this for at least half of that.

OP posts:
DENNYCRANE · 24/06/2021 07:16

I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore

Wow. That is one guaranteed way to fuck your kids up. Nobody wants a martyr for a parent.

Ladylokidoki · 24/06/2021 07:18

Yabu, because you think that kids are OK.

But they aren't. They know their parents are miserable and not interested in eachother. They know their parents aren't invested in eachother, that one is pissed off that the other doesn't do much.

These kids often grow up thinking this, is normal. And end up in crap relationships themselves Or, you split when they re older and they are pissed off that you didn't do it when they were younger so they could have at least had happy parents.

On the off chance they don't see the misery, when you do split (which you will when they are moved out) they feel it was a lie when the realise their happy family wasn't a happy family .

DinosaurDiana · 24/06/2021 07:19

You aren’t alone, my husband is someone I live with. I don’t love him and fantasise about a life without him.

NotOnMyWatchSunshine · 24/06/2021 07:20

Erm no...? I'm hoping you're not serious and you don't actually believe this?

Original poster
Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 07:20

I don’t think I would leave even when they are grown up because I think by that point it would definitely be too late.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 24/06/2021 07:22

Have you asked him how he feels about your relationship ?
Maybe he feels the same way.

Babdoc · 24/06/2021 07:23

OP, of course your happiness matters, but this is not just about you. You are giving your DC a terrible role model for their future relationships. You are showing them that they should destroy themselves, that they should be unhappy martyrs to a partner who doesn’t meet their needs.
Is this really what you want for them? To grow up thinking this is “normal” for a marriage and family?
Your martyrdom is not just damaging you, it risks damaging your DC’s future happiness too.
If you won’t end this travesty of a marriage for your own sake, do it for theirs.