To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

DH says he’s happy and he loves me and everything is wonderful.
I don’t know what planet he’s on.

I don’t think I would leave even when they are grown up because I think by that point it would definitely be too late.

I am not sure you are being realistic. Lots of people split then. Without the kids to fill the time, to have interaction with, you are left in a house with someone you don't know or talk to and no one else to be the buffer.

Besides which, he could leave. Maybe he won't want to miserable for the rest of his life. Once the kids gone and hevcab concentrate on being happy for his own sake.

Are you depressed? I am not being arsey, but you don't seem to bother at all they you are condemning yourself to a lif eof unhappiness and just acting like there's nothing you can do and that's its our of your hands.

I agree with you OP. I don't think children know or care how happy their parents are, they're certianly not bothered if mum's just a bit dissatisfied with life.

Obviously in a perfect world everyone would be in happy fulfilled relationships with their DCs other parent, but in a world where that's not possible, getting along "OK" and staying is much better for children than forcing them to divide their loyalties. I know countless parents will say that's not what happens, that they have amicable arrangements etc, but having worked with struggling teens, they find it incredibly difficult, even/especially the ones who are letting their parents believe they're happy with living between two homes.

@Rollingsunset

DH says he’s happy and he loves me and everything is wonderful. I don’t know what planet he’s on.

Of course he’s happy, you’re doing everything and he’s getting away with no sex. Time to take your life back.

If you don’t want to leave are is there something else that could make you happy orherthan your relationship?

And as a child of divorced parents, I didn’t know any difference.
Make yourself happy.

From experience, you are completely wrong.
I was in a relationship like yours, plodding along.
Then, thankfully, he had an affair, now we had a reason to divorce.
He's moved out now and I cannot describe to you how lovely our house is now. A proper happy home. I skip, I dance, I laugh around the house, very rarely shout or get cross with my children.
With the benefit hindsight, I had no idea how miserable we all were.

OP, if you're not planning to leave, can you focus on ways that make you feel happy and fulfilled within your current situation? Eg joining a book group or a martial arts class or taking up bell ringing - whatever floats your boat?

may Not really - because I do everything with the dc and round the house and work I’m left with very very little time. I wouldn’t be able to take up a hobby or anything. I just don’t have time. I tend to go out with a friend one evening a week after the dc are in bed - but I’m not out til 8pm and back by 11pm so it’s not a huge amount of time.
My work is ok but I’ve had to move to working from home and now it’s going to stay that way so I’m not seeing anyone very much - it’s that way for lots of people though.
I enjoy taking the dc out at the weekend, but that’s just me and them.

My parents were like this and it's caused massive harm to me and my siblings.
My father was uninterested in us and my dm but because they didn't argue I thought everything was good - it wasn't.
My dm was going to leave when I was a toddler but stayed for the children and ended up wasting 12 more years of her life carrying all the weight of the marriage and kids with no support from my father.
I was so happy when she told me that they were divorcing as the house had a sad and oppressive atmosphere that was created by having unhappy parents. When we left we were happy.
However of my 4 siblings, 2 of us had abusive relationships that we put up with because at least there was no cheating or violence. I managed to leave and I'm happy now but my brother is still stuck. 1 sibling has horrific self esteem problems and the youngest is still a teen. We all don't really talk much as we all have horrible mental health problems.
My dm is now happy in another relationship with a very nice man and its wonderful to see her finally have a partner and not dead weight
Don't underestimate the damage staying is causing because on the surface we looked like the perfect family but it was just pain underneath.

Not really - because I do everything with the dc and round the house and work I’m left with very very little time. I wouldn’t be able to take up a hobby or anything. I just don’t have time. I tend to go out with a friend one evening a week after the dc are in bed - but I’m not out til 8pm and back by 11pm so it’s not a huge amount of time.

Op I was s single parent and still able to make time for things that interest me.

You have a whole other adult at home to watch the kids.

You sound so sad.

I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore

You might think this is a good parental philosophy, but honestly it's bloody awful and more likely to create entitled, self-involved young adults unable to understand that other people matter. If you really care so little about yourself, please understand that this attitude is not going to do your children any favours and will just make them selfish which will make their lives difficult.

The best thing for all of you is to remember you are a person too, entitled to happiness, they need to know that, and so do you.

Well no. It sounds miserable tbh. Would you really give the same advice to your children when they're older, their happiness doesn't matter anymore so suck it up.

That's why I dont agree with the term "broken home" a home can be broken from the inside, when both parents still live there.

I enjoy taking the dc out at the weekend, but that’s just me and them
Why is it just you and them? A lot of men think they can opt in and out of family life. No wonder you're miserable and he's happy. An uninvolved father is a good reason to split up.

The sadness is emanating from your posts. You're the only one bringing them up anyway; it'd be so much nicer for them if you did it with a smile on your face and spring in your step.

My friend stayed in a relationship like this until both her children finished college/university. Both her kids have said they knew what was going on from a very early age, and always wished their parents would split up, because although there were no rows or arguments, there was no real happiness either.

I disagree with the majority. My parents were unhappy together but I had no idea at all until I was an adult having my own troubles and my mum told me. She couldn't have afforded to leave so made the best of it. Like your situation OP, dad worked a lot, sometimes away so it was just mum, sis and me a lot of the time. She did have a job and friends and found her fulfillment there. Once we were grown up they did almost split up but I think decided the upheaval in their 60s wasn't worth it and following serious illness on both sides they actually do now get on much better and depend on each other.
I'm divorced, following his affair, and my kids are not OK, years on, they miss him, wish we were together still and hate leaving me eow to see him. Finances are rubbish compared to how they would have been too. I think rubbing along for a portion of your life if you are content to do that and do successfully shield the kids from any knowledge of it. Ie no screaming rows. Bitchy comments, nasty silences etc is a perfectly valid option. If you're in your late 50s say when kids are grown that still 3/4 decades probably of life that you can pursue your own personal happiness. I do know the devastation caused by my ex seeking his when his kids were babies is huge.

I hate that some people believe they are "better" because they stick around in an unhappy relationship.

Leaving my ex husband was one of the best things I've ever done - for me, for my children and, ultimately, for him too.

In these "Oh, I couldn't possibly break up a family" situations, there's almost always a well-paid man involved too

Can I suggest councilling?

It seems you have drifted apart but don't want to leave and from your posts I don't see why you would be automatically happier if you left

I do agree with others your happiness is important

I split with my now ex. There were no affairs or abuse, never, ever rowed, I just fell out of love, it actually got to the point where I didn't even like him. We had separate rooms for the last 6 yrs of our marriage.
To the outside world we were a happy couple, they just didn't see how unhappy I was. He was more than happy to leave things as they were, he liked the status of being married. He would have happily stayed married. We led very separate lives within the house. I always think it is harder to leave if you feel there is "nothing" wrong. But my happiness did matter.

There is no way I could have stayed with him just for my child, it would have done us both a lot of harm over time. The best thing I did was to leave him and get a life for myself and my child.

It sounds as though you would benefit from some counselling.

I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore

I couldn’t disagree more. Women are not duty bound to sacrifice their happiness at the alter of motherhood. It rarely does their children or even society, any good.

Why don’t you value yourself? Why is your life so unimportant?

Nope, I adore my very very much wanted DD. I left her dad in similar circumstances to those you describe here. She and I are SO much happier. She loves and sees her Dad often. I owe it to her to consider her feelings and not to make big decisions lightly but I don’t owe it to her to live a miserable life to avoid risking upsetting her. In the end the split meant she has 2 happy homes instead of one unhappy one. Win win!

HugeAckmansWife I am so very sorry about your marriage.

But you need to realise, that it doesn't need to be one or the other. It's not stay together miserable or be apart miserable.

No. You get one life. Xx

I would feel devastated and so, so guilty if I found out my mum stayed in a marriage she wasn't happy in for me. She left my dad and she was happy and I had a happy childhood, that might not be the case had she stayed unhappy.