To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

No, you're completely wrong. Nobody should have to stay in a relationship they're unhappy in. This 'I've made my bed..' attitude is nonsense.

I think I’d struggle financially because it’s highly likely DH wouldn’t want to give me anything and would fight every step of the way and I will just back down for an easy life.

Sorry, but that's ridiculous. He doesn't get to choose what he gives you. It wouldn't be backing down for an easy life, it would be backing down for a difficult life! In any case, why would you let him get away with refusing to support his own children?! You are finding obstacles because you are scared of leaving. Other posters are right - your dc deserve a happy mother. Being brought up by parents in an unhappy marriage will affect them.

I don’t agree.

If the parents are happy, the children will be.

I grew up in a home where my parents split when I was 12 but due to financial issues couldn’t move out separately until I was 17. The effects of that period continue to this day, in my thirties.

Children know when their parents are unhappy together.

No family is the same and no breakup is the same.
There are people on here who are happy their parents separated, but I also know many miserable kids who have step parents and are very unhappy as adults due to the fallout of their families breaking up.

I wouldn’t break up my family because growing up I had a step parent and based on my own experience I would rather stay till they grew up and left home than create an opportunity for my DC to have to live in their own house with someone they are not uncomfortable with.

I kind of get where the OP is coming from.

I wonder how much whether the dc are happier or not, depends on their individual personalities? Therefore it becomes an individual thing. If your own dc will be fine, go for it. If your dc has anxiety (or anything else that wouldn't cope well), then maybe consider it.

My ds has anxiety and it did, cause him some issues for a while.

But consistent parenting and support got him through and he is better than ever. Unfortunately, he has got better as his dad's involvement has reduced.

I can say exg was abusive to the kids. But the way he was, was definitely damaging. He wasn't really interested, life needed to be his way or no way, he only got involved when it made him look good or when he wanted to assert his control over them (or as he called it, strict parenting).

There's no doubt splitting can be disruptive for kids. But in many cases, you are looking at the long game. And alot of those kids can come through it. But if one parent enjoys causing the kids distress as retaliation to a split, they won't have been a good parent before.

My mum has been unhappy since I was a young child. She believes she has hidden it from me but it has always been bloody obvious. It has had a huge impact on me, from me being a people pleaser and putting my happiness last, leaving me open to being bullied; not pursuing relationships because she's been jealous and being depressed to the point of trying to take my own life.

Don't do it to your children. Get out and be happy.

It's the great mumsnet paradox. If you're unhappy in your marriage then your kids will suffer so you should leave and find happiness elsewhere, resulting in happy healthy kids.

However if you're unhappy in your marriage and have noticed an interesting man at work, you're kidding yourself that the grass could ever be greener. He'll be just as boring as that poor loyal man you're considering betraying. If you leave under these circumstances, your kids will never forgive you for their smashed up life and society will reject you for putting your selfish desires first.

Most women, myself and my closest friends included, stay in pretty boring relationships for the kids. It's absolutely normal and it's how most of us grew up I have no doubt.

There are people on here who are happy their parents separated, but I also know many miserable kids who have step parents and are very unhappy as adults due to the fallout of their families breaking up.

This is true. Unfortunately when people split, some parents can forget their kids have needs and don't think decisions out.

They just put their needs first. But if ops husband does that, it proves he isn't a the great dad op is trying to make out. He just gets away with now because she does so much

It’s not just OP that is unhappy though, it’s clear that the kids are not happy either and OP is minimising how much he shouts at them.

You don’t owe it to your kids to stay with someone who scares them and makes them unhappy. The opposite, if anything.

YABU. The atmosphere in the house will be awful and your kids will be feeling it. It does them no favours when you "stay together for the kids"

Of course YABU.

Would you like to see your children stay in a loveless relationship? I assume that you want to see them grow up and be as happy as they possibly can. Unless they see you pursue happiness and make choices to that end I doubt they will.

I left, my daughter is happy, I am happy, my ex is happy. They have a relationship and all round never regretted it.

Ds knows dad is in charge and that his word goes.

Now, that in itself is a reason to consider ending, or at least trying to change, the marriage. A parent who 'is in charge and his word goes' is a little bit closer to being a bully than is desirable. And if you mean that he, rather than you, is seen as the person in charge, that is even more worrying. The children are essentially being brought up not to have full respect for you - and may later extend this to women in general. And if he is shouting at them in a way that they find scary, this will also have a negative effect on them.

Your concerns about risk of poverty are another matter; but I wonder whether your 'd'h is using this threat as a weapon against you. He would have a legal duty to provide some financial support. You might have to fight through the courts, which would be stressful and a hassle, but it would be your right to have this support. And if he is really the kind of person who would be content to put his kids on the breadline, because he was displeased with you (or out of greed), then that's all the more reason for not trusting him as a husband and father.

Christ, OP. Get yourself a hair shirt while you're at it.

Your kids are unhappy with a shouty man (can't think of a single bit of parenting improved by screeching at your kids), your romantic relationship with him is already over, he isn't a good partner. Make changes.

“I think I’d struggle financially because it’s highly likely DH wouldn’t want to give me anything and would fight every step of the way and I will just back down for an easy life.”

Why wouldn’t he give you anything? Wouldn’t he want the DC to have a nice life?
What is he like about money at present that makes you say this?

If you're not happy, he's almost for certain feeling the same. It's not like he would tell you if you've not broached the subject yourself. Everyone's circumstances are different. Once kids are older then maybe you'll feel differently, or maybe he will decide to leave. You just don't know.

No. Kids today have a life expectancy of 100. Over 40% marriages already end in divorce. I think we should be ditching the idea of one relationship for life that means 70-80 years for kids today. It’s more likely they will have 2 or 3 20 year relationships than one 80 year one. We should ditch the guilt, accept many relationships have a shelf life and run their course as friendships do and start adapting society and educating our kids to deal with the reality of living much longer. Many parents will have 50 years left when their kids leave home that’s a long time to be miserable as the number of people getting divorced in their 60s and 70s shows.

@TobyLeRhone

No family is the same and no breakup is the same. There are people on here who are happy their parents separated, but I also know many miserable kids who have step parents and are very unhappy as adults due to the fallout of their families breaking up.

I wouldn’t break up my family because growing up I had a step parent and based on my own experience I would rather stay till they grew up and left home than create an opportunity for my DC to have to live in their own house with someone they are not uncomfortable with.

I kind of get where the OP is coming from.

You do realise that not all family 'breakups' go on to involve stepparents?

No. My mum stayed with my dad for this reason, I was well aware they were miserable. I was genuinely relieved when they split when I was 13.

Children are far more switched on than you realise. Please don’t make this ‘normal’ for them.

@MorrisZapp

It's the great mumsnet paradox. If you're unhappy in your marriage then your kids will suffer so you should leave and find happiness elsewhere, resulting in happy healthy kids.

However if you're unhappy in your marriage and have noticed an interesting man at work, you're kidding yourself that the grass could ever be greener. He'll be just as boring as that poor loyal man you're considering betraying. If you leave under these circumstances, your kids will never forgive you for their smashed up life and society will reject you for putting your selfish desires first.

Most women, myself and my closest friends included, stay in pretty boring relationships for the kids. It's absolutely normal and it's how most of us grew up I have no doubt.

It's not one or the other. I chose to leave my unhappy marriage and stay single because I don't need to have a relationship to be happy. And if I ever did want a relationship one day, I would never live with anyone again. It's not always a case of leaving your husband for another man!

@TobyLeRhone

No family is the same and no breakup is the same. There are people on here who are happy their parents separated, but I also know many miserable kids who have step parents and are very unhappy as adults due to the fallout of their families breaking up.

I wouldn’t break up my family because growing up I had a step parent and based on my own experience I would rather stay till they grew up and left home than create an opportunity for my DC to have to live in their own house with someone they are not uncomfortable with.

I kind of get where the OP is coming from.

I left my husband and DS doesn't have a stepdad and never will. Why do you think that would automatically be the case? I don't want a new partner.

“My dc would say he shouts a lot at them”
You say he doesn’t.

It is beginning to sound all a lot more strained in your house than just a marriage between people who get on well but have drifted apart.

Your tone sounds dead, passive and depressed OP. Have you thought of getting counselling for yourself?

@Backhills

For every child who thinks they were unhappy because their mother stayed in a poor relationship, there will be others who were unhappy being torn between two separated parents.

The teens I see who struggle most are the ones from families who have a achieved that sought after amicable split. Weirdly, the ones where Dad (usually dad) has disappeared altogether, or is only seen rarely, seem to cope better. It's really hard for children to have divided loyalties and two homes and no matter how hard parents try not to let it show (as with a poor realtionship) children know that appearing to enjoy the time they spend with the other parent hurts you.

What? Knowing my DS enjoys spending time with his dad doesn't hurt me at all, it makes me happy. We're not all bitter!

You've set the bar too low with only abuse and cheating but I agree that I would stay in a functioning but unexciting relationship for kids even though I might otherwise move on. I do think having kids obliges you to put more effort into making a relationship work. That said if the relationship simply can't function in a healthy way I would leave even without abuse or cheating.

I think bring married and having children does bring extra responsibility for both of you to try and make things work and resolve issues, it's not like when you're dating someone and can just walk away. However it doesn't mean you stay regardless of how unhappy you are, vows are mutual, what did he promise that he's clearly not fulfilling? At this stage you have little to lose by being really frank with him about how you feel and why.

I don't agree. Sometimes it's best for an unhappy couple/parents to split up and be happier alone than not happy together. It may be hard at first. But I believe happy parents make happy children!

I think you really need some counselling OP to work out what you want from life and reignite the fire in your belly. If you absolutely 100% don't want to leave your relationship then you have to fight to make it better. You can't go on like this - you are role modelling an acceptance of misery to your DCs and this will not serve them.

Think of all the unhappy women that post on here about their relationships - usually one of the first questions they are asked is 'where did you learn about relationships? Where did you learn that you don't deserve happiness? Who taught you to accept less?' This is what you are teaching your children, right now.

Money - you'll be fine - you'll get a settlement, benefits and you'll work. If you're 'on the breadline' then you'll work to get off it. But you won't be, you'll have half a house.

Above all else though - your children will grow. They will withdraw, as all teens do, and you will be left staring at the walls. You cannot make decisions for the rest of your life based on what the small people in your life want right now. Think where you want to be in ten years' time and start making steps to get there.