To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

@Mayaspecialist no, not my opinion. She said I'm incapable of having a lasting relationship due to my parents divorce. That is wrong. Neither you, nor her, know anything about my relationship history. I'm a complete stranger to you both.

My parents are 53 years married, very happily, but I have a string of failed relationships. Just saying.

I agree with you op. When you got married you vowed "for better for worse, for richer for poorer". Instead of leaving look at what can be done to improve your relationship.
We are quite religious and I take my wedding vows extremely seriously. It would take something really bad to end our marriage and "not as happy as I was" doesn't qualify in my opinion. Dh and I have been through some bad periods where it would have been very easy to leave. We stuck through them, grew and learnt from it and are now very happy.
Marriage requires work to keep it healthy.

I'm sure this opinion is in the minority.

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead

I agree with you op. When you got married you vowed "for better for worse, for richer for poorer". Instead of leaving look at what can be done to improve your relationship. We are quite religious and I take my wedding vows extremely seriously. It would take something really bad to end our marriage and "not as happy as I was" doesn't qualify in my opinion. Dh and I have been through some bad periods where it would have been very easy to leave. We stuck through them, grew and learnt from it and are now very happy. Marriage requires work to keep it healthy.

I'm sure this opinion is in the minority.

Ah yes, the old "stay miserable forever because of religion" argument.

There's working on something and then there's stubbornly flogging a dead horse.

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@Mayaspecialist no, not my opinion. She said I'm incapable of having a lasting relationship due to my parents divorce. That is wrong. Neither you, nor her, know anything about my relationship history. I'm a complete stranger to you both.[/quote]
I never judged your relationship capability. I referred to her comments.

Her comments were her opinion about what you wrote in several posts about how relationships are not for you.

Its opinions on information given.

Times have changed. You need to value your own happiness. Whether that means counselling (on your own) or leaving thee marriage. Good luck op.

If your kids come to you in 20 years and say they're unhappily married with kids but it's nothing really "bad" will you seriously tell them to suck it up and stay unhappy @Rollingsunset?

If you went to the cinema and didnt like the film you wouldnt watch it for 18 years would you.

Marriahe to your husband isnt what you expected so change it.

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead

I agree with you op. When you got married you vowed "for better for worse, for richer for poorer". Instead of leaving look at what can be done to improve your relationship. We are quite religious and I take my wedding vows extremely seriously. It would take something really bad to end our marriage and "not as happy as I was" doesn't qualify in my opinion. Dh and I have been through some bad periods where it would have been very easy to leave. We stuck through them, grew and learnt from it and are now very happy. Marriage requires work to keep it healthy.

I'm sure this opinion is in the minority.

Yep. I took MY wedding vows very seriously. I was absolutely in our marriage for richer and poorer, for better and for worse. Unfortunately my exDH didn’t see it that way, and he didn’t want to work on things to try and make it better. The breakdown of our marriage caused some serious health problems for me, and he didn’t care, about me or the kids, so I called time on our marriage.

And shockingly, 6 weeks later I met my DP. Totally unexpectedly, wasn’t looking, but we met, and once I’d met him I couldn’t unmeet him. We live together now, and our blended family is awesome 😊

Life doesn’t always work out in the way you think it will. Don’t judge others for a life you haven’t lived.

Because i left my abusive x, i am free to say to my daughter (when her father writes her) if you feel anything other than loved and supported after you read that letter, then that is on him, not you.

She can identify when she is being manipulated because it is not the way we communicate.

If we were with her controlling bad tempered father, omg it'd be a nightmare, minimising his behaviour, me colluding for a quiet life, walking on egg shells
around him, dreading his next intimidating rage, verbal abuse, financial abuse, and that'd be her normal. 😵
She'd end up in a relationship with an abusive person. It'd be like a formula.

@Mayaspecialist and @Babymeanswashing thanks for taking my part, it was kind of you.

@GrandmasCat and @Waxonwaxoff0, apologies if you found me rude. Perhaps I was. As came out in the slightly more civilised exchange with @Ladylokidoki, I am heavily invested in this subject as the child of divorced parents for whom divorce was not a magic fixer. On the offchance @grandmascat was really asking a "genuine question", no I'm not really OK. I have a lot of issues with self esteem, anxiety and difficulty with boundaries as an outcome of my challenging upbringing, and I lost my mother to suicide three years ago which has caused me lasting mental health issues I am still working through. So it bothers me when people suggest en masse (a) that if you are unhappy in your marriage, you will ergo be happy outside it and (b) that your children will of course be better off simply because YOU will be happier. The only point I was making was that this is not necessarily the case.

The remark to WaxOn about her divorce was a cheap shot though. It was an inference broadly along the lines of parents whacking their kids but saying they were whacked themselves and it "never did them any harm" - sometimes people can struggle to see how their backgrounds have shaped their adult lives. But I have no way of knowing if that's the case with you and I shouldn't have implied it.

[quote Draineddraineddrained]**@Mayaspecialist* and @Babymeanswashing* thanks for taking my part, it was kind of you.

@GrandmasCat and @Waxonwaxoff0, apologies if you found me rude. Perhaps I was. As came out in the slightly more civilised exchange with @Ladylokidoki, I am heavily invested in this subject as the child of divorced parents for whom divorce was not a magic fixer. On the offchance @grandmascat was really asking a "genuine question", no I'm not really OK. I have a lot of issues with self esteem, anxiety and difficulty with boundaries as an outcome of my challenging upbringing, and I lost my mother to suicide three years ago which has caused me lasting mental health issues I am still working through. So it bothers me when people suggest en masse (a) that if you are unhappy in your marriage, you will ergo be happy outside it and (b) that your children will of course be better off simply because YOU will be happier. The only point I was making was that this is not necessarily the case.

The remark to WaxOn about her divorce was a cheap shot though. It was an inference broadly along the lines of parents whacking their kids but saying they were whacked themselves and it "never did them any harm" - sometimes people can struggle to see how their backgrounds have shaped their adult lives. But I have no way of knowing if that's the case with you and I shouldn't have implied it.[/quote]
Thank you, I appreciate the reply. Sometimes it is difficult not to be biased based on our own experiences. Divorce is never what anyone wants, I certainly did not expect it when I got married and in an ideal world 2 happily married parents is always the best thing.

I'm tempted to feel similar OP but it's being scared that is the issue isn't it?