To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

So we're all (men included) just breeding machines? We choose a partner who we can fulfill the absolute aim of procreating with, with no thought for how living with them affects us and them?
When you break it down, this is how you describe your relationship. Sit down with him and have an honest conversation about how you could go about leaving. It is sometimes rough for kids having parents living separately but surely it's worse to teach them your philosophy: breed then be miserable.

@Rollingsunset

We aren’t in conflict though. My dc would say he shouts a lot at them, but he doesn’t. Probably not even once a week. It’s just it’s a bit scary when he does, however most parents shout and kids never like it. Ds knows dad is in charge and that his word goes.

Most parents do not shout at their kids. I don’t think my DH ever has.

If your kids say their dad shouts at them a lot - listen to them. They are trying to tell you something you don’t want to hear. Once a week is a lot.

@GrandmasCat because the type of step-parent that you wouldn’t want in your DCs life isn’t going to come on MN and post about how much they hate their step-kids. I mean a few have but it doesn’t really ever end well. People post in relationships knowing they’ll receive sympathy and support but that’s not the same in the step-parents board.

I'm in my 50's, I've known lots of people who've stayed together 'for the children'. They become more and more unhappy, often bitter and it impacts on how they parent and what sort of people they become. The adults around us give us our views on relationships and how we should be treated/treat our partners. To me yours is a waste of a life. But only you can decide if things are good enough for this to be it, until one of you dies.

Whatever fucked up version of a 'relationship' you are modelling for your children will be their 'normal'. You're teaching them to settle and be unhappy because that is what marriage is in their eyes.
No matter what you think you are hiding from them, you are not. You are just creating problems for them down the track because of the lessons you've taught them.

I think it's just lazy and selfish tbh to not want to put any effort or work into showing them what a normal, healthy relationship looks like.

No you don't.
I'm a single mum. My ex husband did not hit me etc. but his lack of engagement with us, his laziness around the house etc. made me angry and resentful on an almost daily basis.

Think about what your DC are learning from your dynamic. That men do not take an interest in their families and that it is woman's work to go all the household shit. These are not healthy lessons.

You have one life. ONE. Do not waste it being miserable.

I thought the same as you for several years. I was desperately unhappy in a lonely, sexless marriage. And then I got breast cancer in my early 30s for no fucking reason at all and realised life is too precious to live like that. Divorcing, and so much happier. It does help that it's been a v amicable, mutual split and I'm grateful for that. I wish you happiness, OP, in whatever you decide. You deserve nothing less.

For every child who thinks they were unhappy because their mother stayed in a poor relationship, there will be others who were unhappy being torn between two separated parents.

The teens I see who struggle most are the ones from families who have a achieved that sought after amicable split. Weirdly, the ones where Dad (usually dad) has disappeared altogether, or is only seen rarely, seem to cope better. It's really hard for children to have divided loyalties and two homes and no matter how hard parents try not to let it show (as with a poor realtionship) children know that appearing to enjoy the time they spend with the other parent hurts you.

I think it's very sad that this is the model you're showing your children for their futures.

Staying together 'for the children' is a lie, really. They don't benefit from watching how to live unhappily with someone for the sake of money. All that does is either saddle them with guilt and/or make them believe that this is how marriage is. I mean sure, it might have been once- a transaction to keep the woman fed and housed, but it shouldn't be any more.

I'm not saying that the fairytale, happy-ever-after is completely achievable-most marriages have ups and downs- but to reduce it to a business arrangement, essentially, is very miserable.

Also my parents have been together fifty years and frankly should have separated years ago. I am in my 40s now and and the teeth gritting, eye, eye rolling lack of respect they show for each other hurts my heart. I honestly wish they had separated and potentially remarried more suitable partners. I feel sad to think they have not really experienced happy relationships.

“Shoxfordian
Children are adaptable,“

I always feel uneasy when I hear this phrase.

This is not a comment as to whether the OP should stay or not - just please people don’t assume this simply because a child has no choice other than to just carry on and make the best of things even when they are broken inside.

YABU. If you're not happy then it will resonate throughout the whole family. Your children would much rather have happy, relaxed parents living separately than being raised in an atmosphere where they're walking on eggshells.

@Rollingsunset, gone are the days when it's ok for parents to make their children scared of them. Shouting isn't ok and we know it lowers self esteem. I think that you are in denial about how bad things are. As said you need to listen to your children more.

I disagree. I do think that, if there are children involved, you should not take the decision lightly: see if some changes can be negotiated; make sure that your dissatisfaction with the relationship is not due to depression for other reasons; perhaps have relationship counselling; seek, if and when you do leave, to put arrangements in place to protect yourself and the dc practically and financially as much as possible.However, I don't think it is desirable to stay forever in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children.Not only is it unfair to you, but they will pick up on your unhappiness and it will affect them. And once they realize that you stayed because of them, they're likely to feel guilty, and perhaps even somewhat resentful toward you for putting them in that position.

It's certainly true that the most important decision a woman will ever make is who will father her children.

I wonder how much whether the dc are happier or not, depends on their individual personalities? Therefore it becomes an individual thing. If your own dc will be fine, go for it. If your dc has anxiety (or anything else that wouldn't cope well), then maybe consider it.

No point staying in a hapless marriage, try counceling. Have you talked to your OH about how you feel?

Ive been divorced for 13 yrs, it was hard at first when my 2 dds were young. Kids adjust, unfortunately my 2 don't see their dad and have not for many many years. Now both of them are adults they can see him if they want. They do talk and message him, when they can be bothered.

*I think I’d struggle financially because it’s highly likely DH wouldn’t want to give me anything and would fight every step of the way and I will just back down for an easy life.

But that's not his decision.

You are basically saying you are staying out of fear that your dh, won't contribute towards your kids.

There's something there, that make should know he would use his kids to hurt you.

If he tried to get away with not paying CMS, it would come as a surprise to you.

So, you know he isn't a good man who actually really cares about his kids. You know he will put his own feelings before their welfare.

So it's not that you have just drifted apart.

And I think it's entirely wrong for kids to brought up with 'this adult says it, so that's what happening and that the end of it'

Sounds like you are all just living in his world and only do things if he let's them happen.

Has it ever occurred to you that heay also be cheating?

So, how do you plan to improve your earning capacity OP? Get a grip and stop wafting round in martyrdom.

Even if I was to agree your happiness doesn't matter, just your kids, I really don't think you can guarantee THEIR happiness by staying in an unhappy relationship. Making yourself happy is actually the best way to build your children's happiness.
Talk to your husband. Seek counselling. If it doesn't work leave. Your husband will have to contribute financially even as an ex husband so you may not be worse off. Check your options. And yes find some hobbies too!! I have 4 kids, a full time role, one kid with special need, I have studies on the side and I still find time for my hobbies (not loads of time but still). Of course DH helps me. But you can do it too

No.

A) you are still a person, you deserve to be happy too- one day your children will fly the nest and you'll have wasted x years in a miserable relationship.

B) it's not the case that it's best for children whatever the situation, having 2 miserable parents is not as good as having 2 separated but more content parents. I agree with a PP about the behaviour it models as well.

I think you are at an impasse then if you are not willing to try to improve the situation.

You are entitled to feel that way but if it comes to unhappiness don't keep doing the same thing but hoping things might get better. Like people said it's not the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids. Us kids who have lived though that will testify.

So you have options:

Couples counseling
Single counseling
Get out of the house for a run
Get your DH to do more housework
Hire a cleaner to ease your load so you have more times for hobbies
I'm sure there's more...

The only person in charge of your happiness is you and things don't get better by standing still and treading water... Eventually you go under.

I think the kids seem happy...for now. But you are teaching them that relationships = one parent running themselves ragged doing everything and one parent sitting on their arse. That relationships don't have any affection and very little interaction. This will be engrained in them when they are older they will likely sub consciously pick a partner with the same dynamics and then ultimately end up unhappy because they are not in a mutually respectful fulfilling relationship.
Your husband would be legally obliged to give you at least half the assets then maintenance after you split. Your solicitor would help. Start saving. You sound so ground down by it all but it's your kids money and you owe it to them to fight for them. Please see a solicitor to talk through your options

I have a friends who's parents stayed together until the youngest child was 18. They massivelt resent their parents for doing this to them. Although you said you wouldn't leave at all, which is even more depressing.

Another very important point is that you are showing your DC an awful example of a relationship. Do you have DDs who you would like to grow up thinking it is their responsibility to do everything in the house, or DSs who will believe they need to do nothing. Not to mention the lack of care and affection. This stuff affects children way more than you realise, but it seems you are not going to change your mind despite all of the posts showing you why it is a terrible idea to remain in this marriage.

Your H doesn't even do much with the kids according to you, so what is the point? You would get maintenance and tax credits if you are a low earner, so not necessarily as poor as you think you'd be. Please reconsider for your DC even if not for yourself.

Nope. I grew up in a house like this and it was miserable and oppressive. Kids know what is going on. I know divorce would have been no picnic but I think my parents would both have been happier and then so would us kids.