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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

363 replies

Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 07:04

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/06/2021 12:17

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@Waxonwaxoff0

You can live your life thinking you failed somehow if you want, but I'm not. I'm happy with my choices and how my life has turned out

This thread isn't really about you though. The question is about the fine judgment for s parent trying to decide what is more harmful for their children, sticking with the mistake they made when choosing who to have kids with (with all the negative impacts that may have on their children) or getting divorced ( with all the negative impacts that may have on their children). Having as a child experienced both the abusive marriage, the breakdown of said abusive marriage and divorce, splitting my life between two parents who didn't hate each other any less just because they were mo longer together and were permanently connected by me, an array of step parent figures including a step mother who had s similarly rocky relationship with my dad but "stayed for the kids", I'm here to tell you it's all bullshit. And all I ever wanted as a child was one home with one mum and one dad who loved each other.

It really, really, REALLY isn't as simple as "happy mum, happy kids" as people on here love to pretend. Whatever the outcome, relationship failure is fucking hard on the kids.[/quote]
That's your experience though. Here you're assuming that all divorced people hate each other. My ex and I get on great. I did not choose the wrong father for my child, he is a great father. He was just the wrong husband for me. No army of step parents either, I have no intention of having another relationship.

No one's experience of divorce is the same.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/06/2021 19:53

I sort of understand what you are getting at OP. But no, you shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage solely for the children.

That said, I think a lot of people are quite quick to get bored/walk away from a marriage that is going through a dull patch, where neither party is really unhappy, just sort of apathetic, and when actually sometimes a bit more effort, compromise and attention could significantly improve things.

Your situation doesn't sound like that OP. You sound pretty unhappy and that's not ok

soooooooG · 26/06/2021 20:40

Nope. I have friends whose parents stayed "together for the kids" and in every case the children were thrilled when they divorced. Even if they weren't "arguing" children know.

XenoBitch · 26/06/2021 20:42

YABU, and it is an awful example to set for your children.
We have one shot at this life... far too short to stay in a relationship that you are not happy in.

GrandmasCat · 26/06/2021 23:19

Not everyone's goal in life is to have an easy ride and retire at 55. And I don't think anyone who kills their own soul in unhappy marriage only to have an easier life ever gets away with it.

^that a thousand times

GrandmasCat · 26/06/2021 23:35

@Draineddraineddrained you seem very bitter and needing to be very nasty to other people who disagrees with you.

Are you ok? Honest question

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/06/2021 17:10

@Draineddraineddrained and @Rollingsunset

Definately the same person with identical back story but leaving out critical points of..

*relatives have had to clothe the kids because her husband doesnt
*withholds finances
*when she was pregnant issued "pocket money"
*children directly saying to her they wish he wasn't around

The reason she's left this out is because she wants to be told to stay and work on it and refuses to acknowledge that he is abusive.

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/06/2021 17:15

OP you need counselling for dependant personality and a solicitors appointment.

You don't know your financial position until you see a solicitor (definately won't be breadline I can assure you) but even then you're going to need to use your backbone and have some conviction in your decisions.

If you're seriously thinking you want out you need to find some evidence of his finances. I can't believe you're still saying he's not abusive smh.

You're a grown woman not a little girl, and you can survive just fine without attaching yourself to a man. Woman up.

fantastaballs · 28/06/2021 17:35

@Rollingsunset

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together? I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together. AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?
Get over yourself, honestly why become a miserable Martyr just because you were stupid enough to breed with sober that makes you unhappy? You only get one life. Your kids deserve happy parents- not your modelling how NOT to do a happy relationship.
Babymeanswashing · 28/06/2021 17:36

I don’t think drained has been nasty. She’s been straight talking sure but that’s no bad thing?

Mayaspecialist · 28/06/2021 17:41

[quote GrandmasCat]@Draineddraineddrained you seem very bitter and needing to be very nasty to other people who disagrees with you.

Are you ok? Honest question[/quote]
I think that's really uncalled for.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/06/2021 17:41

@Babymeanswashing

I don’t think drained has been nasty. She’s been straight talking sure but that’s no bad thing?
But also incredibly biased based purely on her own situation.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/06/2021 17:46

@Babymeanswashing

I don’t think drained has been nasty. She’s been straight talking sure but that’s no bad thing?
She told me that because I'm divorced it means I'm incapable of forming a lasting relationship.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/06/2021 17:47

@Mayaspecialist so was drained telling me that I'm incapable of choosing the right partner and having a lasting relationship because I happen to be divorced.

Babymeanswashing · 28/06/2021 17:48

She phrased it extremely bluntly but she seemed to be saying that your parents divorced, you divorced.

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/06/2021 17:49

I hope you're still here OP. If you are please read up on learned helplessness and dependant personality disorder.

I have SEN dc, single mum so I understand why you're afraid to go it alone but you can thrive away from this toxic dynamic. I just hope you realise before it consumes you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/06/2021 17:51

@Babymeanswashing

She phrased it extremely bluntly but she seemed to be saying that your parents divorced, you divorced.
No, it was rude. She has no idea of the circumstances of my divorce or my parents divorce, neither has bearing on the other.
Babymeanswashing · 28/06/2021 17:52

No but that’s true of everything isn’t it. We can’t say this will cause no damage, this will be fine, this won’t have consequences.

Mayaspecialist · 28/06/2021 18:32

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]**@Mayaspecialist* so was drained* telling me that I'm incapable of choosing the right partner and having a lasting relationship because I happen to be divorced.[/quote]
To honest, looking back, she wasn't actually wrong.

Blunt, maybe, but not nasty.

And to be fair your posts leading up to that were all about how you don't want a lasting relationship and you are divorced.

I am divorced. My parents are. I didn't find it nasty of offensive and I think there's some truth in it. Divorce can impact how kids build romantic relationships when they are adults

Supernothing22 · 28/06/2021 18:43

YABU

After 17 years together, a 6 year old and a 1 yr me and my now ex husband split.

It was like I was living with a moody teenager most days and I dreaded him coming home as he would bring the mood down massively.

Much happier now split, both on other relationships. I wish he was more hands on with the kids but both kids seem happy enough and I know I would have left anyway rather than continue years of being unhappy till the kids got old enough to look after themselves

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/06/2021 18:45

@Mayaspecialist

Just because I don't want a relationship doesn't mean I'm incapable of having one. Hmm

Divorce can impact how kids build relationships for sure. So can abusive households, loveless marriages, all sorts. My work colleague's parents have been married for years, yet she has been divorced twice. It isn't one size fits all. So yes, it is rude to assume the reason someone is divorced is down to their parents divorce, without knowing anything about either situation.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/06/2021 18:47

@Mayaspecialist and yes, she was wrong. And so are you.

Mayaspecialist · 28/06/2021 18:59

Just because I don't want a relationship doesn't mean I'm incapable of having one.

No, I take that point. I don't think she said, any relationship, though either.

Divorce can impact how kids build relationships for sure. So can abusive households, loveless marriages, all sorts. My work colleague's parents have been married for years, yet she has been divorced twice. It isn't one size fits all. So yes, it is rude to assume the reason someone is divorced is down to their parents divorce, without knowing anything about either situation.

Yes, but in that conversation it was about divorce. And divorce can have that impact. As can other things, but divorce is what you were talking about.

Obviously we differ in opinion. You felt she was rude and nasty and bitter. I felt you saying that was uncalled for and she wasn't rude or nasty and I don't think she is bitter. Just blunt.

I just don't see how you can call someone nasty, then call them bitter. Feels a but hypocritical.

Mayaspecialist · 28/06/2021 19:00

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@Mayaspecialist and yes, she was wrong. And so are you.[/quote]
In your opinion.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/06/2021 19:05

@Mayaspecialist

Just because I don't want a relationship doesn't mean I'm incapable of having one.

No, I take that point. I don't think she said, any relationship, though either.

Divorce can impact how kids build relationships for sure. So can abusive households, loveless marriages, all sorts. My work colleague's parents have been married for years, yet she has been divorced twice. It isn't one size fits all. So yes, it is rude to assume the reason someone is divorced is down to their parents divorce, without knowing anything about either situation.

Yes, but in that conversation it was about divorce. And divorce can have that impact. As can other things, but divorce is what you were talking about.

Obviously we differ in opinion. You felt she was rude and nasty and bitter. I felt you saying that was uncalled for and she wasn't rude or nasty and I don't think she is bitter. Just blunt.

I just don't see how you can call someone nasty, then call them bitter. Feels a but hypocritical.

That wasn't me who called her nasty or bitter, it was a different poster. I was just pointing out that she was just as rude as that poster.