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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

363 replies

Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 07:04

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 24/06/2021 08:04

Fast forward a few years OP and imagine how you would react if your dd said to her she is in an unhappy marriage but didn't feel she could leave. What advice would you give her?

My mother said “you are married now, you just put up with it!” Then added “look at me, look at all that I have put up with to keep you all happy!”

That conversation was such an eye opener… in a split second I thought “fuck no! I don’t want to be like you” and lost all respect for her at the same time. I was never able to see her in the same way, ever again.

DumplingsAndStew · 24/06/2021 08:05

@Rollingsunset

Yes but I’d be living on the breadline poor. I’m not talking about reduction in standard of living - I’m talking about him being able to take them wherever he wanted whilst I would barely be able to afford to feed them.
We have a welfare system, your children should not, and will not, go without.

Plus, if he's a higher earner, you'll be better off than many women who leave.

Stop making excuses. If you want to leave, leave, but don't blame it on the children.

Original poster
Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 08:06

Just to clarify it wasn’t me who said about having an affair.
That was the response of another poster - which is also a valid viewpoint but it wasn’t my post.

I think I’d struggle financially because it’s highly likely DH wouldn’t want to give me anything and would fight every step of the way and I will just back down for an easy life.

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD · 24/06/2021 08:07

@Kinsters

I think once you have kids there is a duty there to try your best to make the relationship work just because there's more at stake. But there's no obligation to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy just because you have kids.
Spot on @Kinsters
Verbena87 · 24/06/2021 08:07

You’re teaching your children that its normal to accept chronic unhappiness, imbalance of labour/mental load, and total lack of affection in a significant relationship. That’s likely to have a long term negative impact on their lives. Of my friends in our 30s, those whose parents had unhappy marriages have toxic relationships themselves, lack self-respect, and struggle with feeling they deserve good things.

Yayayaya20 · 24/06/2021 08:09

I do agree with this. You just need to glance at the step-parents board to see why it’s a good idea for families to stay together.

Hughbert · 24/06/2021 08:09

My mother stayed 'for the kids' and I grew up feeling guilty and resentful. I left home after uni, but rather than leaving, my mum died, in her early 50s so never got to leave. And I feel guilty that she stayed for me when I would have preferred her to leave - I had the invisible power to render her unhappy without doing a single thing. If you stay, you'd better be an excellent actress or start saving money for your dc's therapy now.

GrandmasCat · 24/06/2021 08:09

DS and I have been living under the breadline at times. I’m not going to say it has been easy but we have been much happier than when living with his dad.

Nice thing of splitting up from a bad relationship is that you go from living one day at a time, putting a foot on front of the other and continue knowing that’s you life and won’t change until you die to a life of hope and opportunity where your own choices model the life you lead.

RosesAndHellebores · 24/06/2021 08:10

Hmm. I have a slightly different view. My parents disliked each other but there was no abuse. My mother was a party girl and had a glamorous job, father was a quiet man. Mother had affairs and eventually so did father which provided her with the excuse to divorce him as the guilty partner.

I was 12. In my view and from my experience you deal with this when DC are small or post significant exams when the family home is non abusive. Of course in 1972 divorce was still rather shameful and I carried that as well.

I don't understand where the breadline comes into this as presumably your dh will pay maintenance although you will live in smaller homes I imagine.

Overall op, and I say this as someone who has been married for 30 years, marriages do ebb and flow a little but what you describe sounds like a little too much ebb. However I would still be mindful of the ages of the dc.

Original poster
Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 08:10

And yes - step parents are another issue.
Although I wouldn’t live with anyone again and wouldn’t even want a relationship there’s no saying DH wouldn’t meet someone else and blend. Everything becomes very messy for the dc who just get lost in the middle of it all.

OP posts:
MysteriousMonkey · 24/06/2021 08:11

YABU for at the very least two reasons - One, kids are not stupid and will probably feel something is wrong and it will have an impact. Two, it's just the wrong message to send to your children, that even if they are unhappy they must stay.

There are so many more but these are two really important ones imo.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2021 08:11

@Rollingsunset

Just to clarify it wasn’t me who said about having an affair. That was the response of another poster - which is also a valid viewpoint but it wasn’t my post.

I think I’d struggle financially because it’s highly likely DH wouldn’t want to give me anything and would fight every step of the way and I will just back down for an easy life.

It's irrelevant what he 'wants' to give you. Mediators/solicitors decide and then, independently, courts decide if it's fair or not given your disclosure documents. It's a good system.
Rosesareyellow · 24/06/2021 08:11

I think YABVU because a home where the parents don’t get on and would be divorced if it wasn’t for the children isn’t a happy one - it doesn’t make children happier. My parents didn’t divorce until I was in my late teens and they should have done so a lot sooner, it wasn’t pleasant growing up with them either constantly arguing or ignoring each other. When my dad told me they were finally getting divorced I was happy for them. Most children adapt well to parents separating. I work with children and the one’s who struggle most are the ones who like me have parents at home who are constantly in conflict.

StCharlotte · 24/06/2021 08:12

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore

Well thank God I don't have children!

But seriously, how bloody sad. You are just as much a human as your children and you too have emotional needs. As a pp said, you only have one life and your happiness is no less important than that of your children.

YABU and very wrong.

Taliskerskye · 24/06/2021 08:13

Why not just say. I don’t want to be poor. Because you’re making it every other excuse. You’re using your children

starrynight21 · 24/06/2021 08:13

I think a lot depends on whether you are actually miserable , or whether you are just not as happy as you'd hoped for. Only you can decide.

I stayed until the DC were 17 and 21, at which time they were both working and independent. They didn't grow up in a miserable home at all - I concentrated on giving us all a good life, getting involved in their activities , school, and my career.

I'd say that all four of us had a happy life at that time - Ex and I didn't have a miserable marriage, it was fine but more like a fond brother / sister situation. And the kids had a great time, as they tell me now. They both say that life was good and that they were grateful to have such nice parents and a happy home .

I've been divorced for 18 years now, and am remarried. Ex has a partner, everyone gets on fine. It's never too late to start again , don't assume that you shouldn't ever move on. You don't have to stay forever.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

GrandmasCat · 24/06/2021 08:13

@Yayayaya20 have another look at the step parenting thread and see how many post you find in the last month, then go into the Relationship topic and check the same.

People post when they have problems, but considering that about 30 to 50% of marriages end up in divorce, you will notice that, proportionally speaking, , there are far less unhappy stepparents than unhappy married people.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/06/2021 08:13

@Taliskerskye

Why not just say. I don’t want to be poor. Because you’re making it every other excuse. You’re using your children
This, this, this. I was just thinking that.
Original poster
Rollingsunset · 24/06/2021 08:13

We aren’t in conflict though.
My dc would say he shouts a lot at them, but he doesn’t. Probably not even once a week. It’s just it’s a bit scary when he does, however most parents shout and kids never like it.
Ds knows dad is in charge and that his word goes.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 24/06/2021 08:14

@Rollingsunset

Just to clarify it wasn’t me who said about having an affair. That was the response of another poster - which is also a valid viewpoint but it wasn’t my post.

I think I’d struggle financially because it’s highly likely DH wouldn’t want to give me anything and would fight every step of the way and I will just back down for an easy life.

Surely you’re aware that regardless of whether your DH wants to give you anything or not the marriage pot would be split on divorce.

Backing down rarely makes for an easier life. For an easier life in the long run you would need to fight your corner now, or rather pay so decent solicitor to do it for you.

Mumoblue · 24/06/2021 08:14

No, I don’t think you have to stay together.
I’m a single mum, (though my ex did cheat), and I couldn’t be happier, even though I’m now reliant on benefits and financially worse off, which I never wanted to be.
I do think your happiness matters when you’re a parent. Surely you’re supposed to model the kind of behaviour you want your kids to have, and you wouldn’t want your kids to stick around in a relationship that made them miserable.

Yayayaya20 · 24/06/2021 08:14

Exactly OP. I’m sure there are many people who wish they could go back to their dull marriages in order to erase their kids step-mother/step-siblings and half-siblings (not from the earth, just from their kids lives).

I suppose it does depend how bad things are though. The people saying their mother stayed for them and they wish she hadn’t - surely that relationship must have been pretty bad?

I’m talking about the people who leave because they just don’t fancy their DP anymore and things like that.

thisplaceisweird · 24/06/2021 08:15

I think you're completely wrong.
You have a duty to keep your kids happy, that means being fulfilled enough in your own life that you're emotionally balanced.
I know plenty of families with separated parents and the kids are more than fine. The parents just do a great job of co-parenting, are mature and reasonable (which is something people on here never seem to be able to do)

DumplingsAndStew · 24/06/2021 08:15

No, you're right OP, you're a much better parent than any of us who left. Your children will grow up to be much more rounded people because they were to blame for your unhappiness. 🙄

gamerchick · 24/06/2021 08:15

You're assuming an awful lot OP. Never assume.

Maybe it's time to have a chat with your bloke about you future together. Tell him you're unhappy with the current situation and want both of you to talk it out to see where you're at

You're being passive and seem to want to wallow rather than put some graft in to change your situation. It kills your soul off eventually.