To think if you have dc then you have to stay with their dad? Unless there’s abuse / cheating

[Rollingsunset]

I’m really not very happy but I am of the opinion that if you have dc then your happiness doesn’t really matter anymore and unless there’s abuse / cheating which is clearly cut and dry, there’s a duty to keep the family together?
I wish I didn’t feel like this, because I have so much guilt tied up in everything. I’m not happy but I don’t feel it’s ‘bad’ enough. It’s nothing I can change or improve, it’s just as it is. The dc and DH are ok though so I feel like I owe it to them to keep it together.
AIBU to think that once you have children it doesn’t matter how happy you are? You have to do everything you can to keep the family as a unit?

I was raised by parents living this way and I also learned how to not value myself.

Children model what they see.

One content, fulfilled resident parent, is far better than 2 resident parents going through the motions.

I know that guilt and fear. It can feel insurmountable, but sometimes it is necessary. It is your choice really.

I work but I earn a lot less than him so I’d be significantly poorer if we split

In 99 percent of these threads this statement is always there. Always. It’s written so insignificantly but in reality it’s a much bigger part of the consideration than is ever alluded to. Staying for the lifestyle and fear of going it alone, is a bigger part than most wish to admit to,

No op there is no duty to stay in an unhappy marriage because you have children, two happy parents are better than two unhappy ones. Every single time.

In these "Oh, I couldn't possibly break up a family" situations, there's almost always a well-paid man involved too

Yep, if these men were skint it wouldn't be so hard.

You get one life OP. Stop martyring yourself with running the house. Tell the lazy git he has to put some time into it himself and he can start with his own laundry.

You're teaching your kids what relationships look like. Why are you condemning them to that?

Due to the impact on everyone's lives, if you still care about dh and for example, if he could turn it around you think your relationship could be saved then it is worth investing Time and energy with dh to do that. Eg marriage counselling, talking etc
You both need to agree that there is something that needs fixing and that you are both prepared to work at it to make it better. Then if you are still unhappy at least you have tried and given dh the opportunity to turn it around.

I think sometimes people say this to themselves as an excuse not to split, I know I have. Yes, a part of me believes I'm doing the right thing by them, but deep down I know the real reason is I'm scared to leave and be on my own, and I'm a bit lazy.

Otherwise why say cheating is a reason to leave? You get could past or ignore cheating if it was that important, or seperate but live as house mates. (I dont think you should do this btw, just pointing out the inconsistently).

I have one friend, unhappy in her marriage who has the same view as you. The reality is that she has an enormous house, lovely lifestyle and doesn’t have to work. She says she’s staying for the DC but really, it’s because she can’t support herself financially and doesn’t want to walk away from the lifestyle.

Yes but I’d be living on the breadline poor.
I’m not talking about reduction in standard of living - I’m talking about him being able to take them wherever he wanted whilst I would barely be able to afford to feed them.

Five years without sex is a long time. How did that come about?

I won’t put my own happiness ahead of my child’s. Especially when there’s no guarantee I’d even meet anyone else. I’d prefer to just have an affair if the opportunity arose.

I hate to say, but staying does usually come down to finances.

And I get part of it, less money means an impact on the kids.

But I do think they are trading their happiness and, possibly, the happiness of their kids for a lifestyle.

And I don't think that's a good thing.

It wouldn’t necessarily be a 50:50 split depending on the ages of your kids and if you gave up work to look after them.

Neither of us seems to be that bothered about sex. I would like it but not with DH and now I’ve shut that part of myself off for so long I feel like it doesn’t matter if I never have sex again.
We don’t hug or kiss or hold hands or anything.

My parents stayed together, long story, and I could feel the unhappiness and problems a lot.

It also affects how I see relationships and that I am a person who tries to please a partner to avoid confrontations and arguments. It took a long while and a patient DH to change this.

So, I think unhappy parents can mean unhappy children. I do remember periods of silence, making an effort in front of others but not at home or with us.

If you can go and think it makes you happy then it is worth considering it.

Rollingsunset My mum and dad stayed together for us kids. We grew up thinking it was normal that our parents couldn't stand each other, watching the arguments and the occasional fight. I'm nearly 30 and in so jealous when I see loving close family units. Ours isnt like that

I split up with my ex in October and spoke to my sister about staying because the kids were happy. But I deserve to be happy too,

I think staying with someone who makes you unhappy teaches your children to do the same, would you want your children staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children?

Your showing your kids that it's ok to stay in an unhappy unhealthy relationship and its not ok. You deserve to be happy too yano

Would you want your children to stay in an unhappy marriage? Because that's what you're modelling for them. Children aren't stupid, they do pick up on these things

It may sound selfish to leave when your children seem ok, but you would a huge disservice to them by staying if unhappy. Do you want them to grow up thinking that the relationship you have with your husband and the environment you have at home are normal and what they should aim for? Probably your parents did, as otherwise you will not be spitting up with this.

My child is happier now we are divorced, he didn’t have to live his life in a toxic uncaring environment. He has also learned that it is ok to leave when you are not happy, and that you can’t raise happy children in a bad marriage.

Yes but I’d be living on the breadline poor.
I’m not talking about reduction in standard of living - I’m talking about him being able to take them wherever he wanted whilst I would barely be able to afford to feed them

Even with Wage, UC and CMS?

Especially when there’s no guarantee I’d even meet anyone else. I’d prefer to just have an affair if the opportunity arose.

Its not about meeting someone else. It's about not being miserable.

And lots of kids are hurt by their parents affairs. That wouldn't really protect your kids at all and isn't putting them first

Fast forward a few years OP and imagine how you would react if your dd said to her she is in an unhappy marriage but didn't feel she could leave
What advice would you give her?

Hate the autocorrect, not “spitting” but “ putting up”

Interesting post OP.

My partner shares a similar view to you - that once you've got married and had children you've basically made your bed, and short of abuse or infidelity you have to lie in it. He was in an unhappy marriage for many years but felt that was simply the bargain he had made, and would never have left.

I think now most people tend to put their own personal happiness ahead of preserving the family unit.

I don't think either view is wrong tbh. My partner would absolutely say he is happier now, but he nonetheless regrets the failure of his marriage.

Are you sure you'd be so worse off financially?
I've just divorced and I'm absolutely fine. My ex earns 15x what I do and the mediators suggested a very high spousal maintenance figure, passed by the courts, that actually leaves me with more money than previous.

I was so relieved when my parents split up. It was awful being raised in a household where mum and dad were unhappy and didn't really love each other

I think if you have DC, there's a responsibility to try a bit harder.

If there's no abuse etc, and it's just a case of one person feeling a bit meh, then I think there's a duty to try something like couples' counselling before calling it a day. When it's just the two of you, you can bail without working on things.

However, I do think sometimes relationships just don't work out, and if you've made an effort to keep the family together but you still aren't happy, then the right thing to do is to split up.

Life is messy. You can't feel guilty about that. It just is.

I'm sorry but I do not agree at all. I believe part of your job as a parent is to show your children how to have a happy and successful relationship. Even if this is with someone who isn't their dad.
Just imagine your child in a relationship like the one you are in. Would you be happy with that?
Not only that but you only have 1 life, you deserve to be happy.

It’s almost always about lifestyle and pretending to yourself it’s better for the children.
I’ve never met someone stay in a poor unhappy relationship.
Even my mother said to me, she couldn’t afford to leave my dad. Well that was a lie.