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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

303 replies

toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 22:57

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 23/06/2021 11:13

my sister had a two DC to the same boyfriend when she was in her teens. None of us were happy with her having kids so close together. Her BF decided it wasnt for him and felt trapped, he and his parents totally disengaged from the grandkids. Funny how blokes blame the girl for trapping them whilst not taking any responsibility for there own contraception. Then decide the DC has nothing to do with them and step away. I would lose respect for inlaws if they behaved like that as if any of my boys get a girl pregnant I would expect them to take responsibility.

DogsSausages · 23/06/2021 11:13

Bil must have kept in contact with his ex throughout her pregnancy otherwise he wouldnt know that the baby has been born, maybe the ex doesnt want anything to do with him or pil, maybe she is the one who told him she doesnt want him involved and has gone NC. If you and your dh know her already then you could get in touch and say you're here if she wants to make contact otherwise there isn't much you can do but bil and pil sound pretty bitter and judgemental. It's not a family secret, that's a terrible way to look at a child.

Aprilx · 23/06/2021 11:14

I think YABU to speak of devastation and of being at a loss of how to move forward. Even for your husband, this is over the top language, but for you it doesn’t make much sense at all to me.

If it were your sibling I could definitely understand the sadness but these aren’t your relatives, if you split up with your DH you would not have a relationship with this other person anyway.

How to move forward is really up to your DH I think. If he wants to reach out and try to build something, then he should.

JustLyra · 23/06/2021 11:24

I always find it surprising on here how many people don’t consider their husband’s nieces and nephews as theirs.

It’s totally alien to me.

jacks11 · 23/06/2021 11:33

I cannot condone any man making a decision to abandon his child, however the conception came about, as the child misses out through no fault of their own. Your BIL is behaving badly and I can understand your disappointment in the behaviour of him snd your PIL.

You do sound a little over-dramatic/involved though. Yes, it isn’t palatable behaviour but being “devastated” seems a bit OTT if I’m honest. If I were you, I would let the dust settle before putting your oar in. If anybody should say anything it is probably your DH- though even then I think interfering is unlikely to help the situation at present. Say your piece if you must, but then leave it there.

You could contact the ex-partner to see if she wanted to facilitate contact with your DH as uncle, but I’d also go carefully there. It’s easy for others to say just cut off contact with your PIL as you disagree with their stance on this- and it may be that this is what you feel you must do/want to do- but I’d also be careful of flouncing off in disgust and in high dudgeon because that does have repercussions for your DH. Additionally, it may be that if the situation does change/attitudes change and there is an thawing of relations between BIL or your PIL and the ex-partner/mother of the baby, but there is an unhealable rift between pil/bil that (which may or may not bother you), which leads to you pushed out of the child’s life/family. I have seen something similar happen (though not about a baby) and if one party had just made their point and let it lie, rather than get in their high horse (they did have a point, but were not totally in the right), things could have been repaired. Unfortunately, this has led to becoming distanced to some degree from wider family as get togethers can be awkward etc.

I genuinely think you can make it known that you disagree with what is going on and leave it there- perhaps also putting some distance rather than cutting all contact- without turning it into something from which there is no going back.

As an aside- I also disagree with some posters re whether a man can be “tricked” into fathering a child. I think it can happen- yes, no contraceptive is ever 100% effective so if you really don’t want to a baby, use more than one. It’s also true that contraception is not only up to the woman and that “I was tricked” is an overused “defence” (which in no way resolves the father of his responsibilities). BUT if you are in a relationship with someone and they tell you they are using contraception that is highly reliable when they aren’t, then I would say that I’d being deceived. Obviously, if it’s a ONS, then less of a defence.

I think many of us will know women who have deliberately got pregnant against their partners wishes- I know 2 women who definitely have. One wanted another baby but her husband wanted to stop at 2- so she stopped taking the pill without telling him. Another misguidedly got pregnant when she felt her relationship was failing, hoping it would bring them closer together- she stopped getting depo injections. Worked out on fir former, not well at all for the latter.

I have no idea whether OP’s BIL was tricked- though his actions are irresponsible and unfair to the child- but if he was, I can understand why he might behave unreasonably out of anger and frustration. Even if I don’t condone it.

SecretSpAD · 23/06/2021 11:40

BIL is a irresponsible arsehole.

I'm not sure I agree. I'm normally against men being able to walk away from their children - especially as I saw the damage it did to the two we have now adopted. However....

I never wanted children and my husband knew that from an early stage. From the start of us sleeping together we agreed that I would have a coil fitted. We made a decision based on that to not use condoms. Later, when I couldn't have a coil anymore we made another decision which was for him to have a vasectomy.
The point is, we trusted each other to tell the truth about a) me having the coil and b) him having the snip. That is what the majority of couples in a relationship do.

For one of us to lie in order to either accidentally or deliberately get pregnant would be despicable and a massive breach of trust. If he had lied to me I would have had an abortion. If I had lied to him....I could have forced a child he didn't want on him, make him pay for it and cause disruption to his life forever more.

If my adopted son is in a long term, trusted relationship I wouldn't expect him to view his partner with suspicion around contraceptive choices. If he did, I'd encourage him to reconsider his choice to be in that relationship. If I discovered that his partner lied to him and became pregnant, I'd support his choices. Not hers. His.

Laiste · 23/06/2021 11:46

I get you OP.

My outlaws (many moons ago) did a similar thing with their first grand daughter. It was all hushed up and no one was allowed to mention her.

I'd just had my first child around the same time and i just kept thinking Yes, it's nothing to do with ME, but that's DDs actual (and only at that point) cousin that we're all denying the existence of.

I didn't understand how PIL could dote on one child while totally ignore the existence of another which was related to them in exactly the same way :(

Flowers OP. Nothing you can do. See what time brings. In our case the child came looking for her grandparents eventually. Whole other story!

Moonwhite · 23/06/2021 11:50

Should that not also apply in this situation then? If he was under the impression that he was having sex with someone who was using contraception and then finds out she wasn't how is that not also a crime? Surely it has to work both ways?

But her pregnancy is cited as the proof when it's not.

The pill isn't infallible, nor is any other contraception women take. And they had split up. I think some men really assume women just automatically get up and take hormonal birth control every day whether they are in a relationship or not.

He's a fool for having sex with someone he did not want to impregnate, without using a condom. He couldn't have been so irresistibly attracted to her in that moment if he wasn't bothered about being with her anymore. And he's also a nasty spiteful bastard to be punishing his child for his parent's actions, and denying him his grandparents too.

Moonwhite · 23/06/2021 11:53

You are your own person, there is no law that because your BIL and PILs are no longer speaking to someone that you cannot. If you want to contact her and ask how she is, do so. You'll probably hear a very different story from her, which will be part of the reason BIL has cut her - and his baby - dead.

Naunet · 23/06/2021 12:01

[quote ashmts]**@Naunet* He did, but no one (myself included) ever suggested he tricked me or tried to trap me. 🤷‍♀️*

But he did, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. He lied to you to get you to have sex with him without full information. You couldn't give full informed consent.

That sort of behaviour can't and shouldn't be defended. I'm sorry you had a horrible experience but you can't say other people should be expected to put up with being treated that was because you came through it.[/quote]
I’ve not said anywhere that other people should put up with that treatment. I’m pointing out that we are all responsible for our own contraception. That rule is already imposed on women and girls, it’s not a hardship for it to apply to men too.

3peassuit · 23/06/2021 12:18

If I were you OP, I would not be devastated but I would see my PILs and BIL in a less than favourable light.

QueenBee52 · 23/06/2021 12:19

have we established why its all a big Secret 🤔

Moonwhite · 23/06/2021 12:24

Well @QueenBee52 presumably because whether there was a "sperm stealing" incident or not (and I would guess not) it's not a good look to ignore your own baby and grandchild. The only way they can sleep well at night is to pretend he doesn't exist.

sillysmiles · 23/06/2021 12:27

@toastlover100 do you know his ex partner? Were they together long? Had you met?

Personally I'd drop her a txt our a call and let her know you had just heard, but understood if she didn't want any contact from his side of the family and then see from there.

QueenBee52 · 23/06/2021 12:29

@Moonwhite

Well *@QueenBee52* presumably because whether there was a "sperm stealing" incident or not (and I would guess not) it's not a good look to ignore your own baby and grandchild. The only way they can sleep well at night is to pretend he doesn't exist.

aahh okay thank you ☺️

I thought there might be a Wife/family in the foreground 🌸

PurpleMustang · 23/06/2021 12:30

If you and your DH had a chat and decided you would like to try to be in contact how likely could you be? Do you live close by to her. Did you get along with her. And me personally if decided to be in contact you could do 'also in secret', the BIL and PIL dont need to know. The secret was their idea enforced on you, but you can do as you want.

Sceptre86 · 23/06/2021 12:35

You sound way too overinvested. This child is not your blood relative and nothing to do with you. Have an opinion by all means but what is with the dramatics? Your bil is an arse and his parents who are getting one side of the story are sticking up for their son as most parents would. Your relationship with your in laws doesn't need to be affected by this unless you let it. Your dh on the other hand could raise it with his parents and call his brother out on it. He could try to contact bil's ex if he wants to have a relationship with the child. She may or may not be receptive.

ashmts · 23/06/2021 12:36

@Naunet That's not strictly true though, within a long-term relationship you can reasonably expect your partner to take responsibility for contraception and be able to trust them (or you should). That applies to women on hormonal contraception, but also as PP discussed men who have a vasectomy. If my DP had a vasectomy I'd come off hormonal contraception. I wouldn't be irresponsible to do that, we as a partnership would be taking responsibility for our fertility. Obviously that doesn't apply in situations such as ONS etc and I'd encourage condoms purely due to STI risk. But I still think intentionally deceiving a sexual partner is despicable either way.

Naunet · 23/06/2021 12:45

[quote ashmts]@Naunet That's not strictly true though, within a long-term relationship you can reasonably expect your partner to take responsibility for contraception and be able to trust them (or you should). That applies to women on hormonal contraception, but also as PP discussed men who have a vasectomy. If my DP had a vasectomy I'd come off hormonal contraception. I wouldn't be irresponsible to do that, we as a partnership would be taking responsibility for our fertility. Obviously that doesn't apply in situations such as ONS etc and I'd encourage condoms purely due to STI risk. But I still think intentionally deceiving a sexual partner is despicable either way.[/quote]
I’m not saying it’s impossible to trick someone into, in a long term relationship at least. But I do think if a man is 100% sure he doesn’t want children, he knows he doesn’t have the option of an abortion, so then he needs to be very, very careful about his choices and accept that there is always a risk. It seems some people don’t think men should have to take on that responsibility, and are very quick to accuse women of tricking/trapping men.

FYI, there are whole forums out there dedicated to men who like to trick women into pregnancy, so I’m not sure why the same accusations are never aimed at them.

Ponoka7 · 23/06/2021 12:55

@toastlover100, are you ever likely to have children? No-one can expect someone to lie to their own children. There were similar stuff going on in my DH's family, but abandonment because of addiction issues. I was always honest with my children and as teenager they all got to know each other. They are still in close contact as Adults. A relationship wouldn't have worked with them growing up because their parents were nightmares. It's for your partner to decide if he wants a relationship with the child. I'd put the child first.

@SecretSpAD, you'd ignore a grandchild and not give two hoots about their welfare? If you both were committed to not having children, how did you end up adopting? This isn't an area were opinions can be set in stone, or black and white, unless something is missing in a person.

Ponoka7 · 23/06/2021 12:59

"Your relationship with your in laws doesn't need to be affected by this unless you let it."

If they can ignore a grandchild, then they can cut anyone off. I couldn't take them as genuine people. 'Family' get-togethers would leave a bitter taste, as would Christmas. You'd have to be in agreement with them for it to not affect your relationship.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 23/06/2021 12:59

YANBU for being upset by this by the way. Situations like this can stir up emotions for all kinds of reasons, there may be reasons why this is upsetting for the Op that she hasn’t shared on here. There is an element to policing people’s emotions on here. Personally I grew up with no siblings or cousins and was pretty lovely as a child, if I found out there had been a secret cousin I’d never met I’d be unhappy about it. Maybe the op doesn’t want that situation for her children.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 23/06/2021 13:00

Pretty lonely as a child.

ScrollingLeaves · 23/06/2021 13:36

“PurpleOkapi
Being a mother isn't inherently more complicated than being a father“

!!!!!!!!

Dozer · 23/06/2021 13:41

I would need to reflect on how much contact I wanted with BiL going forward. My opinion of PiLs would also be changed.

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