to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

[toastlover100]

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

@CJsGoldfish

I'm just astounded at the number of 'poor menz' posters. They're not being 'tricked'. They're just lazy and selfish. The number of mothers on here excusing them and placing the blame on the women explains how they got that way. Unless they are willing to take an "unfortunate, but not the end of the world' approach they need to ensure they've done what they can do to contribute to the contraceptive effectiveness being as high as it can be. Otherwise, they need to stop whining and women need to stop making excuses for them.

Indeed.

When I was 17 I slept with a man who told me he was infertile. I got pregnant, so I guess he tricked me?! Except I don’t see it that way, he lied, but I still made the choice to not insist on a condom.

Funnily enough, when I couldn’t decided if I should keep the baby or not, he took me round to speak to his mum. His mum sat me down and implied I’d done it on purpose to trap him. She made no comment of the fact he’d lied, or not used a condom, the whole time he was sat watching football in another room. So I was left with the responsibility to have an abortion, or a baby that he wouldn’t see or help with.

No one ever suggested he had tricked me, or tried to trap me, and no one worried about how unfair it was on me, and that he could just walk away consequence free.

I can understand the sense of loss, especially if you consider your in laws as your family, which is lovely, but lots of mumsnetters won’t get that as many in law relationships are distant, cold etc.
Or perhaps you would have liked your (future) child/children to have a relationship with their cousin and the sense of loss is also around that?

OP if you feel like you want to reach out and see how she is doing - do it.

The effects on the DC are awful when they've been abandoned by a parent.

“ When I was 17 I slept with a man who told me he was infertile. I got pregnant, so I guess he tricked me?! Except I don’t see it that way, he lied, but I still made the choice to not insist on a condom.”

Not using contraception under the circumstances was remiss, but your partner was guilty of deception. In practice many human interactions require a leap of faith from one or both parties, and he behaved very poorly.

@PiersPlowman

“ When I was 17 I slept with a man who told me he was infertile. I got pregnant, so I guess he tricked me?! Except I don’t see it that way, he lied, but I still made the choice to not insist on a condom.”

Not using contraception under the circumstances was remiss, but your partner was guilty of deception. In practice many human interactions require a leap of faith from one or both parties, and he behaved very poorly.

He did, but no one (myself included) ever suggested he tricked me or tried to trap me. 🤷‍♀️

They cant deny your access to a family member just because they dont want access.

I also as a mother of boys could ever imagine cutting off my own grandchild regardless of relationship between my DS and the mother.

If there where genuine doubts then I might support a DNA test but I would never punish my possible grandchild and honestly would be appauled and ashamed if any of my DS grew up to be deadbeats who abandon children.

Yes it’s shite but it’s not about you.stop being dramatic

@PiersPlowman

“ When I was 17 I slept with a man who told me he was infertile. I got pregnant, so I guess he tricked me?! Except I don’t see it that way, he lied, but I still made the choice to not insist on a condom.”

Not using contraception under the circumstances was remiss, but your partner was guilty of deception. In practice many human interactions require a leap of faith from one or both parties, and he behaved very poorly.

Im infertile as is DH - offically diagnosed after years of tests.

I went through primary infertility for 3 years, we where young so didnt go through testing but then fell naturally pregnant.

We then went through 9 years of secondary infertility (at the 6 year mark I fell pregnant but MC) with tonnes of testing and treatment (ovulation induction, immune suppressing etc...) before finally getting pregnant through IVF.

We are both MEDICALLY infertile so didnt go back on contraception and guess who fell miraculously pregnant again after IVF.

Infertility does NOT mean sterility and people need to learn the difference, you can be infertile and still get pregnant (more so if male as male fertility changes every 3 months with lifestyle changes).

I have been pregnant 4 times in the 15 years of trying dispite being infertile and only one of those pregnancies was with IVF.

@Naunet He did, but no one (myself included) ever suggested he tricked me or tried to trap me. 🤷‍♀️

But he did, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. He lied to you to get you to have sex with him without full information. You couldn't give full informed consent.

That sort of behaviour can't and shouldn't be defended. I'm sorry you had a horrible experience but you can't say other people should be expected to put up with being treated that was because you came through it.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I think I'd be upset but more because my bil and pil were blaming the woman when it's both their doing, and not taking any responsibility by at the very least paying towards a child who didn't have any say in the matter and that he is legally responsible for financially. I wouldn't be able to look at any of them in the same light at all.

Absolutely this!

He slept with his ex and obviously didn't use any protection, leaving all responsibility for contraception to her.

He could well have given her an STD, never mind a baby! (Because I'll bet he's been playing the field)

This is a child he is responsible for - a living, breathing human being who he has to pay for for at least 18 years.

I'd contact the ex, support her, and encourage her to take the snivelling bar-steward to CMS for every penny she is entitled to.

I would get in touch with her, and I'd drop the inlaws as I couldn't be around them. I'd also let my children know their cousins.

and I'd ask Dh to offer to do a DNA test for the woman so that her shitty ex can't keep calling her a liar.

I know it's quite for common men to be feckless shits who don't look after their own children, but if I had the misfortune to give birth to that sort of man... I'd sure as fuck be offering to support my grandchild and his mother. Do they think there is less of a link to the child because their son doesn't like his mother?

And while I'm on my high horse, if this woman is such an awful manipulative lying bitch. Why on earth aren't they all moving heaven and earth to get custody?

Funny that. How many women say "my ex is a monster, so I gave him the kids?"

"Devastated" seems completely OTT

However, there is nothing to stop you having a relationship with this child if you want to. PIL can't "ban you" from having contact so stop that nonsense in it's tracks.

I’m not shocked by it. There are so many women who will always come running to protect the honour of “poor men”.

Their super woman capes are never too far away. If abandoning children were as looked down upon as women doing anything remotely not beneficial for men, then there would be way more involved fathers. These men run off and leave their children and I’m sure don’t lose any sleep at night worrying about the well-being of the child. It’s shameful.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I’m surprised by the range of such contrasting perspectives.

On one hand, maybe I am too involved and have overdramatised the situation.

On the other, it seems like those who have been in similar situations would have appreciated some friendly contact from someone in an otherwise hostile family.

"On the other, it seems like those who have been in similar situations would have appreciated some friendly contact from someone in an otherwise hostile family."

I have been in the same situation of my ex leaving me with two kids and his family also wishing to have nothing further to do with them.
I would have loved someone to reach out to me in the madness, it's hard to get your head around when people just don't gove a shit about kids feelings.
Please do reach out to her OP.

In your position, OP, I'd be in contact with the woman, at the very least to hear her side of the story, and especially if I wanted a relationship with her and the baby. I agree it is tricky, though. But things might work out differently from what you expect.

But it sure is seriously devastating for my relationship with PIL.

This is not your drama. It's none of your business at all.

Sounds like you're just looking for a reason to fall out with your PILs.

You're really overreacting. It's nothing to do with you!

@toastlover100

Thank you everyone for your responses. I’m surprised by the range of such contrasting perspectives.

On one hand, maybe I am too involved and have overdramatised the situation.

On the other, it seems like those who have been in similar situations would have appreciated some friendly contact from someone in an otherwise hostile family.

I also as the child in this situation, would of loved if some of his family had reached out, the rejection and confusion of finding out about him perhaps wouldn't of been so hurtful.

@annacondom

In your position, OP, I'd be in contact with the woman, at the very least to hear her side of the story, and especially if I wanted a relationship with her and the baby. I agree it is tricky, though. But things might work out differently from what you expect.

The problem with contacting the woman (and remember we do not know how close they are) is considerable: she may very well be inserting herself into a pitched battle between the husband’s family members which could put her husband, children (if any), and herself in a very awkward situation. BIL would then have succeeded in scr”wing up north sides of the family.

Does your DH want to pursue a relationship? I am asking just because a lot of posters have said it's nothing to do with you (I don't agree and think it's lovely you care so much, it's a real testament to your morals) but it would strengthen your stance against PIL and BIL if you had your DH on board too, if you do choose to get in contact with this woman and their child.

There's nothing to stop you contacting the ex gf and offering to have dh's dna tested to confirm he is a close relative. This is dh's niece or nephew so if you and dh want to have contact with the baby then it's up to you. It's not a conversation you need to have with your BIL or your PILS.

It's not quite the same but I have an Uncle who went very low contact with his child following divorcing his child's mother. He moved abroad and refused to give his address and expected his family to only have contact with his child on his terms. Which turned out to be never. His child had severe special needs and his ex-wife had to struggle for years without any help from my Uncle or his side of the family. Even as a child, I felt hugely disgusted that everyone just meekly followed my Uncle's lead with regards to my cousin. Then, after a couple of decades of this, my cousin became seriously ill. My Uncle begrudgingly told everyone but still demanded that contact be on his terms. I was old enough at this point to have a very frank conversation with my parents and tell them to put my cousin first. My DM (SIL to horrible Uncle) made contact with my Uncle's ex-wife and reestablished contact. This caused a massive row between my Uncle and my parents but they held strong this time. My cousin thankfully recovered well and now my parents see my cousin and my aunt regularly.

I guess what I am saying is that a relationship separate to your BIL may be possible if the mother of his child is receptive.