to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

[toastlover100]

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

So all those who claim that if you don't wish for a child, you should wear double protection or not have a hold, are you also all against abortion? That is for these women who fall pregnant by accident, because the condom split for instance and just don't want the child?

Because the attitude that they should face the fact they are pregnant should apply then just the same.

Or if abortion is acceptable, why isn't the pregnant woman not responsive for not getting an abortion knowing that otherwise, the child will grow without their biological dad since they don't want the baby?

The reality is that women do trick men, don't care about the guy not being in the picture, welcome it very often, but it's great to portray him as shit whilst she gets all the co gratulations for being so brave.

It's MN though, thankfully in real life, it's these women who are judged for their deception.

Did the boys give you that head pat you’re out here seeking.

I wouldn’t have an abortion myself. I am married, financially stable, emotionally stable etc. so it wouldn’t be the right choice for myself. However, I am pro choice for everyone else.

Like I said… men can keep it in their pants. I don’t know why you’re arguing. If men really want to opt out of fatherhood then get a vasectomy. Or they can date women with their tubes tied. Otherwise if you get someone pregnant than you need to be responsible for that child.

Let us know when you get those Scooby snacks from the boys! Do you screenshot our chats to take back to the trolls nests of MRA chat rooms.

Tell them we said hi!

If you feel this way why don't you & DH contact her, congratulate her and say your love to meet the baby, take a gift and offer her and some practical support.

She may well tell you to get lost, but at least you've tried and acknowledged the baby.

@cupcakecourageous

If you feel this way why don't you & DH contact her, congratulate her and say your love to meet the baby, take a gift and offer her and some practical support.

She may well tell you to get lost, but at least you've tried and acknowledged the baby.

I’d really not do this against the fathers wishes. That is going to cause so so much emotional complexity and difficulty I struggle to believe the poster isn’t on the wind up.

@SinisterBumFacedCat thank you - yes to the emotions policing.

To clear it up, DH and I do not currently have DC, but would dearly love them. We are currently struggling with infertility. Maybe that has some bearing on my sadness. Actually, of course it does. I did not realise that it would be helpful to share that within this context.

Apologies to anyone in advance if that is drip feeding - I’m working it out as I go.

@Iwonder08

It has literally nothing to do with you. I don't understand how you can possibly 'grieve the relationship' with a child who is not even your relative. Any man who dumps his child is a bastard, but it is none of your business.

It's to the point but I also agree with this. It's not your nephew, it is your husband's nephew and he''s a step removed. It's for his brother to step up as a dad or at least pay for the child he has created.

It's the epitome of stupidity for any man to say that they were 'tricked' in to a pregnancy; there's a really good preventive method - don't have unprotected sex.

I understand that you would like a relationship with this child but, it's your husband's family and they are not interested. It is disgusting, certainly, but there's nothing you can do without causing monumental friction in the family and that's not within your gift. Your husband needs to lead this one as it's his brother.

It’s not the exact same situation, but my daughters father told me he wanted nothing to do with us when I got pregnant with her and his mother felt the same way. His father didn’t even find out about my dd until she was 5 years old because dd’s bio dad and his mother concealed this like a dirty secret as a pp has said. He also didn’t tell his girlfriend he had fathered a child for 3 years. It is unforgivable to turn your back on an innocent child and I will never understand how his mother could have done that, much like your PIL, even if her father didn’t want to be actively involved. Oh and over the 6 years of her whole life I’ve been paid about £1k in “child support” despite him being able to maintain a life in London and his parents both being wealthy. Utter arseholes. If your PIL do this, you have grounds to go NC because let me tell you the impact it’s had on my child’s self esteem and security has been and will continue to be huge.

If you’re married to someone isn’t their niece and nephew also your niece and nephew? Once you marry someone then their family becomes your family. Considering this child is a blood relation to her husband, it’s a very strange stance that this child is your husbands relative but not yours. Perhaps it’s a cultural difference, but I always was under the impression that the child of a BIL or SIL would also be your relative.

@MarshmallowSwede I was under that impression too.

I was this woman! According to my ex I tricked him in to having not one but two babies. His family have never met the youngest, now nearly 9. Both kids were planned. I've not seen him since I was pregnant. You only have one side of this story

Yes. They'd be Uncle and Aunt, not Uncle and Unrelated Uncle's wife.

She isnt a blood relative of the child, but they're family to each other.

But mumsnet is very strange about in laws. So so many on here dont even have the phone numbers for their parents-in-law and you get comments like "why would I ever need my MIL's phone number. Thats my husband's issue". Family, and the relationship you have with them and how you view them is very very strange on mumsnet. They dont see anyone on their husband's side as actual family.

He can't opt out of paying child support, unless perhaps he goes with 50/50 on child care. He wouldn't be the first to find himself tricked into having a child. 'It's alright I'm on the pill' 'I've had the snip' etc', never trust anyone keep it in your trousers/keep your legs closed.

On the other hand if he truly feels he was tricked and is resentful then best he avoids the child (and mother). It could be much worse growing up with a father who doesn't care and resents you. Just imagine that the child could grow up with no santa every other year or constantly being told he/she wasn't wanted.

Perhaps he's a bastard for feeling resentful and used, probably means there's a lot of bastards around, male and female (insert gender here),

@toastlover100 you say in your opening post you were let in on the secret accidentaly? How did you accidentaly find out? If your husband found out accidentally were his parents planning to keep his nephew or niece a secret from him forever? Or until the child possibly reached out to him on social media?

@MarshmallowSwede

If you’re married to someone isn’t their niece and nephew also your niece and nephew? Once you marry someone then their family becomes your family. Considering this child is a blood relation to her husband, it’s a very strange stance that this child is your husbands relative but not yours. Perhaps it’s a cultural difference, but I always was under the impression that the child of a BIL or SIL would also be your relative.

Yes, I agree. I was brought up with no distinction between aunt by marriage and aunt by blood. Once married you are related to these people, even though you don’t share DNA. My one non-blood Uncle was as much loved by us, and loved us in return, as any blood relation, and his children are our blood relations so we are all connected anyway.

Perhaps you and your husband don't know the full story, OP? In your position I would certainly wait - and I would definitely make sure my husband was on board with contact before making a move.

MarshmallowSwede, I was also under that impression and then checked - no, marriage doesn't make you an uncle or aunt. It's sibling relationships that make this.

It came up in a thread once where even vague friends were being referred to as 'auntie' and it irked quite a few of the posters. I'm not the aunt of my husband's nephews and niece, we treat them as if I am but I'm not. That is correct and it changes nothing about an actual relationship, it's a title but it has specific meaning. Some people see it as an 'added value' badge but it's not correct.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

I really am amazed the whole “tricked” line is still being bought into, on here of all places. It’s classic misogyny.

Op I do hope you give your BIL and PILs your very honest opinion on their behaviour and attitude. How could they turn away a GC?

Absolutely.

I am always shocked at how often this is said, particularly when men have a simple, widely available, non-invasive, non-hormone based method of ensuring that both they and their partner are as protected against unwanted pregnancy as they can be. I certainly couldn’t sit back and abdicate responsibility for an unwanted pregnancy without doing everything in my power to prevent it. I suppose it’s much easier to take no action and simply run away and blame the woman in the event of an accident.

It’s an absolute disgrace that this still passes as an excuse. And even worse that other women perpetuate it.

Op yanbu. I couldn’t see my in-laws in the same light again and would have to tell them what I think.

@deathbypostitnote

Can you link to the source explaining that marriage does not give you the title of Aunt or Uncle to your spouse's nieces and nephews? Because that's something I've never heard.
As far as I'm aware, throughout British history, you'd be described as Aunt and Uncle. Not Uncle and spouse.

Honestly a lot of you don't live on this planet. When people are in a relationship there's a bond of trust. Assuming your partner is lying about birth control and insisting on using 2 methods is ridiculous and doesn't reflect reality. Lying about birth control is a huge betrayal of trust.

I literally read a post on here the other day where a woman was skipping her contraceptive pill because her partner didn't want kids nd she was being advised to get pregnant, take the baby and just use him for child support.

Anyone with a brother, father, son, or male friend should be disgusted by this.

@Whattheactualfk

If any woman said to their partner, "you want to wear a condom? That means you dont trust me. Have sex with me without a condom or you're just showing me that our relationship has no trust" then that woman is a manipulative witch. If your partner wants to be safe and wear a condom, then you say yes. Any other response makes you guilty of trying to coerce them into sex they dont want to have (forcing someone to have sex without a condom to prove they trust you is coercing them. Thats rape).

[quote Librariesmakeshhhhappen]@Whattheactualfk

If any woman said to their partner, "you want to wear a condom? That means you dont trust me. Have sex with me without a condom or you're just showing me that our relationship has no trust" then that woman is a manipulative witch. If your partner wants to be safe and wear a condom, then you say yes. Any other response makes you guilty of trying to coerce them into sex they dont want to have (forcing someone to have sex without a condom to prove they trust you is coercing them. Thats rape).[/quote]
The woman is also a manipulative witch if he says "are you on the pill?" and she lies and says "yes". I cannot believe this is a controversial perspective.

@MarshmallowSwede

If you’re married to someone isn’t their niece and nephew also your niece and nephew? Once you marry someone then their family becomes your family. Considering this child is a blood relation to her husband, it’s a very strange stance that this child is your husbands relative but not yours. Perhaps it’s a cultural difference, but I always was under the impression that the child of a BIL or SIL would also be your relative.

They are.

It’s just that on here if it’s not your siblings child then you’re not meant to give a shit and you’re definitely not meant to consider them family.
It’s just bizarre how odd people are about in laws on here sometimes.

JustLyra, do you need a 'title' to 'give a shit' then? That's very odd. I'm not an aunt to my husband's nephews and niece but I care about them and do stuff for them; ditto my husband with my niece/nephew.

I think some people just like to perceive injustice where there isn't any. Title of aunt/uncle doesn't confer anything other than a familial relationship.

In support of that, I adored my 'nan and grandad next door'. they were NOT my family but I loved them and they loved me. My ''proper' grandparents not so much. Blood counts for shit sometimes.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

JustLyra, do you need a 'title' to 'give a shit' then? That's very odd. I'm not an aunt to my husband's nephews and niece but I care about them and do stuff for them; ditto my husband with my niece/nephew.

I think some people just like to perceive injustice where there isn't any. Title of aunt/uncle doesn't confer anything other than a familial relationship.

In support of that, I adored my 'nan and grandad next door'. they were NOT my family but I loved them and they loved me. My ''proper' grandparents not so much. Blood counts for shit sometimes.

Yes that’s totally what I said... wasn’t remotely like I was actually commenting on the fact that on here many people consider it odd to give a shit about nieces and nephews if they don’t come from your own siblings...

My point was about the oddness of people accusing the OP of being odd because she cares when there’s no blood line.

Typical MN.

Of course relatives of our spouses become quite close and we care about them.
Of course relatives of our spouses are still their blood relatives and not ours. If we divorce, in most situations the ILs become more (or completely) distant.
There's a middle ground between devasted/can't move forward (overinvestment) and don't care at all (totally unfeeling person).

But don't let good sense get in the way of a good MN argument.