to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

[toastlover100]

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

@dottiedodah

I dont agree with his behaviour at all.However it is not really anything to do with you .I dont see how on earth it would impact on your previously good RL with In laws either .Presumably he will still have to pay maintenance to the child anyway .If they had been in a long term RL together and then split up ,how much of this child would you then see? I think you are over involved .What about your own DH? Surely this is more to do with him?

Presumably because she now sees them very differently? It would definitely impact how I saw someone.

How long were they together ?
Did you have a good relationship with her, before they split?

I would make contact with her and offer her support, you are all family

Did his ex lie about being on the pill/implant/coil? If so, then she did trap him and use him as an unwilling sperm donor. When I was on the pill, I never used condoms with my long term DP. The whole point of being on hormonal contraception is to avoid being on the pill (unless you’re having one night stands and avoiding STIs). He had no reason to doubt that she’d lie.

I understand him not wanting to be involved in the DC’s life if she lied about being on hormonal contraception. It’s not the DC’s fault though.

Secret from who though? Presumably everyone who this a actually affects already knows.
Did you even know the ex who’s had the baby? If so, then contacting her would be a nice thing to do. If not, I honestly don’t think this is anything to do with you unless BIL decides he wants a relationship with the child.

*avoid using condoms, not “avoid being on the pill.”

Naunet Yes of course she will see them differently now.However I still think she is over invested though .Who knows as time passes .BIL may still want to be involved .Its early days yet ,and he may well come round in time .Its a shit situation for sure .

When did she become “ex”? Please tell me he didn’t leave her when she got pregnant.

He wasn’t tricked. You are totally valid to be upset at the loss of your niece or nephew. It makes sense to make contact.

Even if he was tricked, it has happened now & that's his own child that he wants nothing to do with, supposedly due to the actions of the mother!

That is just horrible.

If someone is using contraception it's not a big leap to think that they don't want children & that if said contraception fails (and they realise) they might then look at MAP & then possibly abortion.

But emotions, hormones all play a part as well.

It's not as simple as going through every process available until there is no longer a pregnancy.

You have had a real mixed bag of responses on here, I think it is quite refreshing to see the attitude that atleast some of his family members (sounds like your DH is finding it upsetting too) want to take some kind of stand.

It could be because of my own experience but if more people stood up for what was right we wouldn't have so many children with rejection and self esteem issues, wondering why they were never good enough for their biological family. It is entirely your BIL decision, if HE wants a relationship. The rest of you are your own people and this baby is a real person to who will be affected by the decisions the people in his life make.

I came to terms with the fact my bio family turned their backs on me as a baby because he was their priority (fine) but it was still a tough road to get to that place of acceptance and it absolutely didn't help that they all chose that path rather than just my dad.

You and your DH do whatever you think is right.

Honestly I'm a bit surprised at your reaction. Yes it's incredibly poor behaviour of your bil( regardless of the circumstances) and your pils have not covered themselves in glory either but it's your husbands nephew not any blood relation to you. The grieving and the talk of nc with your pils seems ott somehow to me. Tell them you think they're wrong and their behaviour is immoral and leave it at that.

"I dont agree with his behaviour at all.However it is not really anything to do with you .I dont see how on earth it would impact on your previously good RL with In laws either .Presumably he will still have to pay maintenance to the child anyway ."

Because some people have morals and think it's a shitty thing to do.
Abandoning a child is a vile thing to do and speaks volumes as to who you are as a person.

It's a horrible situation, but it really isn't any of your business. You can't grieve a relationship with a person you've never had. You need to leave this up to bil to sort his stuff out.

I really dont understand the responses on here. All the people wondering why you would even care or why you would dislike your in-laws now... do these posters have no moral compass?

The company we choose to keep says a lot about us. I certainly wouldn't keep company with a family like that, if I knew about it.

My cousin married a man we all quite liked. They were older when they married so no kids. Ten years into the marriage, this man showed up at their door, in his thirties. It was her husband's son. But they werent surprised because he knew his girlfriend was pregnant when he dumped her, moved away and told her he wanted nothing to do with any of it. My cousin knew all about it. The first thing they said to this man was, "there isnt any money if that's what you're here for".
It all came out about him having a child and just walking out on them, and I could never look at my cousin the same way for marrying a man like that and I cannot be in the same room as him. So I just dont bother with them anymore. Bad people, so why would I?

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

I really dont understand the responses on here. All the people wondering why you would even care or why you would dislike your in-laws now... do these posters have no moral compass?

The company we choose to keep says a lot about us. I certainly wouldn't keep company with a family like that, if I knew about it.

My cousin married a man we all quite liked. They were older when they married so no kids. Ten years into the marriage, this man showed up at their door, in his thirties. It was her husband's son. But they werent surprised because he knew his girlfriend was pregnant when he dumped her, moved away and told her he wanted nothing to do with any of it. My cousin knew all about it. The first thing they said to this man was, "there isnt any money if that's what you're here for".
It all came out about him having a child and just walking out on them, and I could never look at my cousin the same way for marrying a man like that and I cannot be in the same room as him. So I just dont bother with them anymore. Bad people, so why would I?

Absolutely agree. I cut my brother off completely, for similar behaviour. Don’t want someone that toxic in my life.

I’m not surprised by your reaction at all.

My ex’s brother and SIL reacted the same when he behaved similarly. They’ve worked hard to build, and keep, a relationship with my DDs without any input from him. It absolutely ended the relationship between the two brothers as ex felt his family should only have a relationship with the girls through him. So when he didn’t bother and they did he took that as an insult.

He has no contact with his brother or his parents because they have contact with me (which was never any more than “Can we visit the girls? Or “can we bring Christmas presents round” and when they were older “Can we take the girls to the zoo on a day that’s convenient for you?”) so if you and your DH do want a relationship wuth your nephew be aware of that.

I’d also add that if anything we need MORE judgement of absent fathers, not less. It’s already a huge problem in this country, it won’t be helped by everyone ‘staying out of it’.

BIL is a irresponsible arsehole.
Too many men think this is acceptable.
I hate the get out of jail excuses tricked him my eye.

My BIL had several children that he walked away from. My husband didn't have a way to contact all of the women involved, but where he could, he did. He maintained relationships with all of the children he could.

This was mostly before we met, but he says he felt it was the right thing to do and he wanted the children to know that they had wider family members who cared about them.

I can understand your sense of devastation and loss regarding the relationship with your BIL's child.

Is getting in contact with the mother an option, just to see if you can have some sort of relationship with him? My friend's dad walked out on her when she was two, but she maintained a relationship with her grandfather so it is possible.

Good luck!

The BILs attitude and behaviour is pretty indicative of what the real truth is. He wasn’t tricked, he was just more concerned with his own sexual pleasure than possible pregnancy, not to mention STIs!

I am a mother of sons by the way. I am going to hammer contraceptive advice into their ears and that consequences have actions.

Can you reach out to her and offer support? I don’t think I could have a relationship with BIL or PIL after this, I’d be more inclined to support her and your nephew. BIL is a total twatface and it’s easy to see why with parents like that.

YABU to feel devastated.

YANBU to see your BIL in a different light. I would feel disappointed in him as well.
OTOH, perhaps it's best for the child to have no contact with such a man.

It's more complicated with your ILs because it may be difficult to override him on this. Do they have any form of contact with the ex?

Does your DH want to be in contact with the child?

It’s nothing to do with you. Essentially he’s been a sperm donor. Now he’s walking away. Personally I think the child’s better off without him and its mother clearly agrees.

I'm just astounded at the number of 'poor menz' posters.
They're not being 'tricked'. They're just lazy and selfish. The number of mothers on here excusing them and placing the blame on the women explains how they got that way.
Unless they are willing to take an "unfortunate, but not the end of the world' approach they need to ensure they've done what they can do to contribute to the contraceptive effectiveness being as high as it can be.
Otherwise, they need to stop whining and women need to stop making excuses for them.

You know damned well I am not implying rape! Stop it.

I’m saying the only birth control that is 100% guaranteed is abstinence. If you have sex, then a baby might result. Any adult woman and man should be aware of the risks of sexual intercourse.

Men like to play dumb. Any contraceptive can fail. And the pull out method is not something to rely on either. Therefore assume the risk when hopping into bed.

Men can also get vasectomies. Or like I said.. don’t have sex. That’s the only way to 100% know for sure you won’t end up with a child.

The same for women. If you have sex women are aware of that risk. So sex, is a risky game. We all know nothing is 100%.

We don’t need to pretend women are tricking men. Like I said.. we all took biology and know how babies are made.

It’s great to see so many women put their capes on to protect the honour of men!

You know feminism has worked when women come running with their super woman capes on to swoop in and defend the rights of men to abandons their children! Great job ladies. Let’s keep up the good work to ensure that men everywhere can walk out and not even have to provide for their children.

After all it’s us who hold the power, so it only makes sense that we bare all the burden of children.

Where do I get one of these pick me capes ladies? Does it come with a head pat from a sperm producer as well? I would love to have the thumbs up of MRAs everywhere so they can live their life free of any burden of child rearing. That way it leaves them free to impregnate other women and leave them too.