Bitchy mums at school

[Iamcatwalk]

Ok, long story cut short. My kid is in a school ( particularly in his class) where mums insist too much on socialising. There’s is group of four mums who are bitchy and quite snobbish. These mums when together wouldn’t talk to me but if I meet them separately, three of them are quite nice to me. When we gather together in a party ( they talk through eyes ), not a single of them say hello or acknowledge my presence. I tried my best to be good with them for years but now recently it feels like it’s NOT ME actually, it’s THEM. I thought I am not trying enough. They also try to include others with them and try every possible way to make me alone and miserable. They are very good with other mums or any new people for that matter. I am Asian so is it just because of my skin colour that makes them hate me or something else ? I can’t believe what happiness people get by making other people feel so miserable. Are they not happy in their life so they feel happy after bitching about others ? Seriously can’t understand at all. Help me with your views and opinions.

@arethereanyleftatall

This thread is quite hypocritical. Lots of bitching about other people being bitches.

Oh, is it bitchy to validate the OP's experience and say that we get it because we've been through it too?! Apologies, fire away telling an upset OP that she's sensitive and over-invested.

@Beebopawhop thank you for understanding. I know it’s not a problem
as long as my child is happy. I am going through it bravely just because of my child.

And to all those who are accusing me of being overly sensitive or paranoid- thanks to all you too. Definitely you all didn’t understand what my point is and what’s my position is in this situation. When I say they intentionally do it - I REALLY MEAN THAT. I am not making drama or blowing things out of proportion.

@Beebopawhop and I feel sorry for what you have been through. More power to you.

@StayCalmX you are not being bitchy and I appreciate your views and opinions.

And I also appreciate everyone who shared their views.

@Iamcatwalk you are brave for posting lol and brave for sticking it out for your child. Good for you and just know you are a nice person and you can make friends you just don't need to be friends with those school mums lots of love and good luck for the future x

And to people who are telling me to find friendship somewhere else. I want to make it clear I am not in a search of friendship at the school or to those 4 mums. I am just annoyed of how badly I have been treated. Nobody should treat other people in that way. To all those who I don’t consider them as friends, should I just treat them as invisible ? If I am sitting in a group of few people, someone come up so should I move out from there without even acknowledging that person ( our kids play together, they are friends ). May be some people can do that but SORRY I can’t.

I went because the one who invited me is a very good friend of mine. SIMPLE
Sorry but if she was such a good friend she wouldn't be allowing other people to treat you like that at a function she was hosting and standing up for you at other events.

Question to the OP? Are you Muslim? And do you dress in a way that denotes that? Basically I'm asking are you veiled in any way? Or do you dress in "cultural clothing" And is that different to how they dress? Full disclosure - I'm the DD of a Muslim and have many relatives who chose to adopt specific ways of dressing - so I have some insight into how that is received. Cultural clothing is a shit phrase, BTW - I'm aware of that, I'm just struggling to think of a different way to phrase it!

There are so many strange people on school runs and I’ve never given any thought whatsoever to their race. Like others have said OP - they’re not your people, ignore unless spoken to and then keep it short.

@TheBossOfMe
I am not Muslim. I am a Hindu and I wear all kinds of clothes be it a dress, shorts or skirts. I don’t think dressing up should be an issue. It’s just that they don’t like me and I don’t have any problem with that. I am just annoyed how can some people are like that - so cruel, so mean, so nasty.
They must get some pleasure in behaving such way otherwise happy people wouldn’t go around and major people feel like shit. I never do that.

@TheBossOfMe

Question to the OP? Are you Muslim? And do you dress in a way that denotes that? Basically I'm asking are you veiled in any way? Or do you dress in "cultural clothing" And is that different to how they dress? Full disclosure - I'm the DD of a Muslim and have many relatives who chose to adopt specific ways of dressing - so I have some insight into how that is received. Cultural clothing is a shit phrase, BTW - I'm aware of that, I'm just struggling to think of a different way to phrase it!

Interesting question. It’s funny how we all interpret differently. I thought the op may be Hindu becayse I have a very close friend who is and he says he is veggie and doesn’t drink as it’s just easier than explaining,to people. I think maybe we all relate to what we know. You your mother, me my friend,

For my thought process it wasn’t relevant though.

Wow cross posted. Can I have a prize op 😊

I have similar treatment at my DD's current school. It is a small class with parents who are either working hard full time to pay school fees - so you never see them and the yummies ( as I call them). The yummies are a group of about 4, friendlyish at the beginning, but they have now clocked my crappy car and modest house and have nothing to do with me - completely blank me etc.

I'm not too bothered, as am used to this crap , but really how difficult is it to make a few minutes of small talk before the kids come out. I do find it incredibly rude. It's also slightly awkward as my DD is friends with their DDs.

something i heard recently "i'm no gynaecologist but i know a c**t when i see one" (i.e. the people who make you feel like crap at school etc)

people at school playgrounds can be HORRIBLE.

plus have you watched motherland?

[quote Iamcatwalk]@TheBossOfMe
I am not Muslim. I am a Hindu and I wear all kinds of clothes be it a dress, shorts or skirts. I don’t think dressing up should be an issue. It’s just that they don’t like me and I don’t have any problem with that. I am just annoyed how can some people are like that - so cruel, so mean, so nasty.
They must get some pleasure in behaving such way otherwise happy people wouldn’t go around and major people feel like shit. I never do that.[/quote]
The "pleasure" they get from being icy to you is that they feel 1) superior and 2) that their place in the group is more secure.

Irrespective of what they think of you etc, you don't like them! So stop worrying about it.

they will pick up your vibe and judgement as much as you have theirs. Stick on some sunglasses and stick your nose in the air. Stop trying to please people.

@Bluntness100 😁😁

@Bluntness100 you guessed it right. Brilliant.

A friendship group doesn't have to extend friendship to you if they don't want to, this "they're all out to get me" narrative is very odd.

I find these "school mums are all bitches" threads absolutely baffling tbh. There's a set of weird assumptions on them which I just can't relate to and which frankly I think are pretty unhealthy:

a) you have to be on intimate terms with all of the other parents in your child's class
b) other parents are not allowed pre-existing friendship groups
c) if you don't invite every parent to every social event going and stop and say hello and chat extensively to every parent at the "school gates" every day you are a bitch.
c) "the bitches" are ganging up on you because there was a coffee morning way back when which you weren't invited to.

It's all really paranoid.

I can't comment on this particular situation, maybe these people genuinely are horrible. But I've read so many of these threads over the years and usually the common theme is that they are started by (usually) women who think they have some sort of entitlement to instantly become friends with every other mother who has a child in their child's class.

It's just not realistic or fair to expect busy people to carve out a huge degree of time for every other child's parent and to help you create your social life for you.

If you're lucky, a small handful of your child's classmate's parents might become friends. But they're just like people you would meet in any other walk of life. Some you will like, some you won't and most will be somewhere in the middle. There's no special magic about "school gate mums" which means they owe you friendship.

Instead of tying yourself up in knots worrying about minor sleights, you're much better off focusing on having a wide and diverse social network and learning to be a bit thicker skinned about the whole thing. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I'm just tired of reading this stuff all the time.

Stick 2 fingers too them and go meet new people.

How do you have energy analysing how they behave. What a waste of your precious time and mental health.

Who ARE THEY ?
Why are you allowing them space in your brain.

*to

I agree with others that you're over-invested in these women, but also lots of people are being really disingenuous with the whole "oh but no one owes you friendship...they're not intentionally excluding you...they're just friends with each other etc etc".
No one expects to be friends with every parent at their child's school but most people can tell when they're being snubbed/excluded/looked down on.
I don't know about the school gates as my child isn't that age yet but I experienced this behaviour when I was at school myself, and also at university. I've also seen it done to people in the workplace. So I can recognise it a mile off.
The difference is I never chased people, if they behaved like this then I ignored them and found friends elsewhere. But it's definitely a thing, and it does hurt. If you've never experienced it then you're clearly one of the confident "popular" people.
I think OP should take a step back from this group, let the children be friends but have minimal interaction with the parents. Sometimes in life not everyone likes you, you just have to accept it and move on.

Chunky Well said. The vast majority of people on this thread acknowledging this behaviour have not displayed signs of paranoia. They have said it happens, ignore it, it is their problem. There are also no shortage of people who have written about this behaviour, not just on Mumsnet. From Jane Austen to Mean Girls to, more specifically in place and time, Motherland.

It does make you wonder, especially when a poster says they assumed OP was Hindu because they have a Hindu friend who is veggie and a non drinker. I have Hindu friends who are veggie and non drinkers (and a few who are not ) but then I also have Muslim, Jain, Buddhist and Taoist friends and acquaintances who are veggie and don’t drink. So one assumes she is Hindu???? It is not unusual in many Asian cultural groups. And implicit in that, is that it would be somehow different if she wasn’t?

I think the key thing for OP to take away is that the Venn diagram between your own qualities and values and the norms of these women is incredibly wide and the commonality really quite small. It encompasses as others have said, the way you look, the way you live, the house and street you live in etc. etc. Unless you feel the need to conform to those norms then just move on, especially with friends who are inclusive, It will be way more interesting and fun….

No one expects to be friends with every parent at their child's school but most people can tell when they're being snubbed/excluded/looked down on.

Maybe. I just refuse to be looked down on. If someone dares to look down on me I just cut them out of my life. You can't look down on someone who doesn't acknowledge your existence. I have no room in my life for people who consider themselves to be better than me. Just give them no quarter. Seriously. Most of these situations come about because people try far to hard to impress and please others.

To go back to your central point, though, of course there are hierarchies and cliques in all walks of life (school and work being obvious examples). The thing I find odd about the school gate mum paranoia is that its relatively late in life. It should be that people have gone through this in early life, come out the other side with better confidence and less tolerance for this sort of thing. Something about the business of becoming a mother seems to trigger this neurosis about "school game mums". I find it very strange.

@thepeopleversuswork I think for most people, they want their child to be happy and to have friends and not be excluded. When children are primary school age, you're kind of forced to socialise with other parents because the children have to be supervised, e.g at play dates and birthday parties. So it's not that easy to cut someone out of your life, if their children and yours are friends, which is what the OP's situation seems to be. It's then doubly hurtful to be on the receiving end of cliquey behaviour, because it doesn't just affect you, it could also potentially affect your child's friendships and school experience. I think that's why people are sensitive about the whole "school gate" thing.