Bitchy mums at school

[Iamcatwalk]

Ok, long story cut short. My kid is in a school ( particularly in his class) where mums insist too much on socialising. There’s is group of four mums who are bitchy and quite snobbish. These mums when together wouldn’t talk to me but if I meet them separately, three of them are quite nice to me. When we gather together in a party ( they talk through eyes ), not a single of them say hello or acknowledge my presence. I tried my best to be good with them for years but now recently it feels like it’s NOT ME actually, it’s THEM. I thought I am not trying enough. They also try to include others with them and try every possible way to make me alone and miserable. They are very good with other mums or any new people for that matter. I am Asian so is it just because of my skin colour that makes them hate me or something else ? I can’t believe what happiness people get by making other people feel so miserable. Are they not happy in their life so they feel happy after bitching about others ? Seriously can’t understand at all. Help me with your views and opinions.

Your kid is in school.
You and the other parents are not kids and not in school .

The four have no social obligations to you or any other parents. You have none to them.

Why do you want to be friends with bitches and snobs? Why do you care about their lives or happiness?

I choose my friends among people I like, that foible has nothing to do with the colour of my skin.

@Iamcatwalk

I know. These women are seemingly so close but on other occasions they ignore each other also. They also secretly organise some dinner out or coffee mornings and exclude me but make sure that I somehow should know about it.

You don't like them. Therefore they are not your friends and there is absolutely no reason at all they should invite you to share dinner or have coffee..

Their social arrangements are not "secret", they're just none of your business.

@Emilyontmoor OMG is that so ? I have to be very careful then.

Best advice OP is just to avoid these people if they are treating you like shit.as soon as your child is old enough just drop and go on playdates/parties. You don't have to make an effort with unpleasant people just because your children are friends. Spend time with people who treat you well and don't give this lot any more of your head space.

Haven't RTFT but, "It simply shows they just wanted to make me feel miserable" I'm not so sure I agree. To me anyway it makes me think of thoughtlessness rather than maluciousness. Is it possible they're not actively excluding you but rather just a bit wrapped up in their own lives etc? Of course, I could be totally wrong and they might be awful and mean, or even racist as you suggest, but that wouldn't necessarily be my go-to response without more evidence.

LOLL

This would have been my assumption too, just that these are busy people with a lot going on and they have been thoughtless in their behaviour towards you rather than deliberately malicious.

@Iamcatwalk

Ok, I didn’t wanted to share this but here you go. So there was a night out dinner for mums which was hosted by another parent. We all were there. In that party one of these mums insist on taking pictures. Ok, we all stood together to take a picture. She was telling everyone who will stand where. She asked me to stand at the corner. She took a picture only to notice that I was cut out. Mind it this was supposed to be a group photo. Then she asked me to take a picture of them all. And of course I took theirs and next day they posted in what’s app group and talked about how they had fun and how lovely they all looked. 10 pictures and not a single one of me.

Oh, just seen this :( That doesn't sound good at all. I don't know why they're like that, that's very Mean Girls behaviour

On the photo thing, have you checked it's not something stupid like your phone settings? I once thought my SiL had done exactly this cropping me out of a family shot. I called her on it publically. She grabbed my phone, rotated the screen and there I was, in fact not cropped .

If it's not that, then yes, they do sounds like bitches, so absolutely avoid the crap out of them.

Look at it this way.

If they're actually trying to upset you then they are very unpleasant people and their actions and opinions don't matter at all.

If they aren't trying to upset you but just caught up in their own world then yes that's a bit inconsiderate but doesn't really matter either?

It's not like you want to be friends with them anyway...

OP I think as long as the kids are being nice to your child and there is no underhandedness or bullying going on I would firmly place these people/parents on the ignore list. Ultimately your DC is the priority here not you. Enjoy the friends you have in your real life.

Iamcatwalk Yes watch out for the Chinese whispers, the secret tutoring, the lies, underpinned by the assumption they must have some leverage over the process if only they can find out what it is, and pretending they have. And the horrendous bitching after when the results don’t actually bear them out.

To be fair it is somewhat understandable when you want the best for your DC and the whole process including the tutoring racket seems designed to ramp up parental anxiety.

I developed the skills of a SAS hostage rescuer so quickly did I get my DC out of the playground, and that unhealthy environment.

As someone posted above the irony is that all that bad behaviour (and some of it will be from previously inclusive parents ) makes no difference, the schools know what they are looking for and the DCs get to the schools that are right for them. Then you need never have anything to do with other parents again. The senior schools are very good at creating a community that is for the DCs to grow up in free from parental influence. Some Year 7 parents turn up trying to make the class rep and social scene more active change and generally poke their noses in but they soon give up. At one of my DCs schools the Year 7 Mums turned up every year pressing for the, then popular with the DCs, sweatshirts to be replaced by more prestigious knitwear (the school had tried several times). It didn’t happen until they went out of fashion….

I think this happens at most schools. Worse issue at our local primary is the sudden influx of dad's and granddads arriving to pick up their kids. Doubt it has anything to do with the new, young very attractive teacher ....... A lot of the mums are rather pissed off.

@Iamcatwalk

Please read all my posts. Why would I bother if these 4 go around and have coffeee together. When it supposed to be al class coffee morning then I should be included too. That’s it !

But why would these four women be the ones responsible for organising class coffee mornings, especially as you say they also work -- are they the PTA class reps or something? At any of DS's schools, it's been down to anyone sociable who fancied it saying 'What about a coffee on Monday after drop-off?' Why not put the word out to do one yourself, where you can spend some time with class parents you get on better with?

Someone who hasn’t experienced this should consider themselves lucky. But these things happen - it’s a REALITY

As I've said in previous comments, I certainly felt isolated by the unfriendly behaviour of other parents at DS's former school, but I never imagined it was some kind of conscious campaign against me. It was just a rather insular place, and they didn't need or want new friends, and I was a stranger and did. It wasn't a happy experience, but I don't think anyone was being consciously nasty.

These types kiss up and kick down. They are at every school. There was a real life "amanda" at my kids school. She emigrated when her h got a job abroad. A GREAT job obviously!! 😅

Ps, i think some women who come across high status are never the targets of the Kiss Up Kick Down beeatchez, so they think you're too sensitive. As though excluding somebody from a group isnt the most ancient and insecure way for a insecure but dominantvperson to feeeeeel more secure for a moment (at your expense).

I still find it odd when those confident types who are never excluded dont believe it happens though. Don't they ever go out with the gang and realise they were invited/included but others were left out

I’m sorry you are feeling like this.

I’m another one recommending watching Motherland (all series currently on bbc i playe, or earlier series on Netflix).

@Comedycook

The reason they smile at OP when alone but blank her when with the group is that it is a group behaviour, and they know the rules

Yes this is true. It's interesting to see how some people behave in groups. They're such cowards, they are scared the group will turn against them. It's pathetic.

@comedycook yes, also, they are so shallow that talking to op when they meet by chance does not have to potential to reflect badly on them / lower their status when there are no witnesses.

I went through this bullshit, these types can be v extrovert but still have a weak sense of themselves so they are a slave to the rules of the group.

@iamcatwalk i thought about my own values, out-ignored any body who was ignoring me, got a job, bought a house
..
They still view me as a low status single mother though. Well, a couple of them. The Amanda and a couple of her pretenders. Most are adults!

But only people with no undrstanding of group dynamics will deny this goes on

I'm quite stubborn
When on their own, I would say
'Sorry do I know you'
Just to be a bitch back. I wouldn't want to associate with people who behave like this.

This thread is quite hypocritical. Lots of bitching about other people being bitches.

Should read through the full thread 🙈. But they aren't worth your time. I was never invited to a night out, and found out that a group of mums would often meet for meals and drinks throughout juniors and I never got invited once!!! I found out through another friend, Once my daughter left.

I want to know where this myth comes from that it's the norm for 30 parents in a class all to be best buds and chat to everyone each morning and afternoon.

I have spent 12 years doing a school run at primary schools. I speak to people I know. Just because we're not going round the playground acknowledging everyone and smiling at everyone doesn't mean we're snubbing them.

A group of people who know each other aren't a clique, they're just a group of people who know each other.

A friendship group doesn't have to extend friendship to you if they don't want to, this "they're all out to get me" narrative is very odd.

@Emilyontmoor

Bluntness Perhaps it is particularly a affluent south east thing? It is tied up with snobbery and also in many cases being new money (not that there is anything wrong with that unless it gives you a point you feel you have to prove).

I’m in the south east and my daughter went to one of the most expensive private schools here, one known foe creating the Surrey princesses. So not, I don’t think it is.🤷‍♀️

@arethereanyleftatall

This thread is quite hypocritical. Lots of bitching about other people being bitches.

I know and it’s full of stealth conspiracy type stuff about how they are all secretly plotting stuff. It’s very odd.

This thread is quite hypocritical. Lots of bitching about other people being bitches.

That Sharon Horgan, such a hypocritical bitch! I can’t think how she thought up Amanda, she must be a paranoid conspiracy theorist

Honestly if you want to naysay the exclusive behaviour a lot of other people posting on here have experienced / observed, mostly without remotely taking it personally or being bothered by it, then fine. Why do you think we would be making it up? Motherland isn’t even the first time that this sort of behaviour has been been written about. It goes back to Jane Austen!

Hi @Iamcatwalk hope you are ok. I definitely understand where you are coming from. I haven't RTT but have read all your replies. It's rude to be asked what do people drink and for you to actually say something non alcoholic and for them to dismiss you. The photo thing too wtf? I know it is hard but basically stay away and be yourself with whoever you consider the good friend and so be it. As long as your child is happy is what matters. But I have been there and this wasn't even an Asian thing it was pure malice on one mums part to the point I did leave the school and had anxiety dropping my child there every day (was private now in state and absolutely loving it !)