Bitchy mums at school

[Iamcatwalk]

Ok, long story cut short. My kid is in a school ( particularly in his class) where mums insist too much on socialising. There’s is group of four mums who are bitchy and quite snobbish. These mums when together wouldn’t talk to me but if I meet them separately, three of them are quite nice to me. When we gather together in a party ( they talk through eyes ), not a single of them say hello or acknowledge my presence. I tried my best to be good with them for years but now recently it feels like it’s NOT ME actually, it’s THEM. I thought I am not trying enough. They also try to include others with them and try every possible way to make me alone and miserable. They are very good with other mums or any new people for that matter. I am Asian so is it just because of my skin colour that makes them hate me or something else ? I can’t believe what happiness people get by making other people feel so miserable. Are they not happy in their life so they feel happy after bitching about others ? Seriously can’t understand at all. Help me with your views and opinions.

@Iamcatwalk

I mean there was no one who didn’t drink. It was only me. I mean you can bring tons of bottles of beer or wine but not a single can of coke or juice ? It simply shows they just wanted to make me feel miserable. I hope whatever they have done to me happen to them as well so they understand how much it hurts.

I don't drink alcohol either...and it can be difficult finding a lone bottle of lemonade or coke.. And when one does, it is ''That's for mixing, not drinking!''

Best to brink non alcoholic drink to these sorts of events.
I was quite a 'Loner' too at the school gates...the thought of cliquey mothers..ugh! who needs it. :)
A couple of nice genuine women were there.. But we didn't socialise much.

@Iamcatwalk

Mind it these women are working mums but when they open mouth, they only talk shit or about wine. Nothing else !

Is there a chance they know you despise them and are therefore treating you accordingly?

It's like this in all schools unfortunately. I live in a fairly affluent area but I don't have a brand new car. Also my house isn't huge, some mums won't talk to me at the school.
I'm also a lot older than a lot of mums so that's probably why too

I didn’t hate them. I tried to be nicer with them at first. I thought may be I don’t look friendly enough or probably I have a bitch face. But after making all good efforts I realised that they just don’t want to talk with me not that I wasn’t good enough or I hated them.

If it was arranged by the school, then you wouldn't be excluded. You would respond to the school, for the "parents Christmas lunch" much as you would for tickets to the school play. Through the school.

If it's a social group, of 4, (with others occasionally invited,) socially connected by having children at the same school, this isn't "school stuff".

I'm not sure why you're so het up about becoming part of a small social group, who you don't speak very highly of, and in return don't seem to be overly fond of you.

People can be odd op. Manners cost nothing. School gates are very clicky at times. !!

You didn’t get my point. I don’t want to be a part of that group. I don’t know how did you made that conclusion that I want be a part of it but seriously I don’t. It’s just their behaviour that pissed me off. Imagine seven of the mums are talking in a social gathering, you enter and say hello but you are ignored completely by this four women and they would leave from there and form another group and talk. Can’t they say Just a simple hello ? I mean why to make your hatred ness so obvious ?

There are people who I don’t like much but I don’t show them that I don’t like them. I will not be close with them but I will still say hello to them.

so nasty...

I get you op. I couldn’t stand the clique groups at school gates. I learnt to go into the gates just when the kids were coming out, grab kids, keep head down and go straight home. So glad when they went to secondary school as you don’t have any of that to contend with.

I know the sort you are talking about. It's shocking how hypocritical they are, but yes somehow these people (adults, mums at that!) do exist.
Next time one of them approaches you acting "nice", either call her out on it (as politely as you wish) or as soon as she approaches and opens her mouth, you make an excuse/get on your phone and walk away without much explanation. If they continue to approach you just do this every time and they will soon get the hint that you wont be engaging - and I am sure they'll know exactly why.

Urgh. This is exactly the same as the two separate primaries I have sent the kids to. An inner clique that everyone seems to want to be part of, no idea why. Bizarre. I ignore all of it now and never ever engage in the bitching, I always ask people about their a levels, or other random fact about their hisotory to take them away from their incessant complaining about other parents other teachers blah blah blah

In this scenario (real, fictional or similar) I see from third party eyes as an experienced school mum but not an expert anthropologist:

1. This particular group have an unbreakable friendship circle bond based on seemingly similarities than differences.

1. You original poster are evidently not accepted into this small inner circle group. This may be because this group is not friendly to others or they simply only accept others that share more in common with them than just the school or class.

1. You seem (perhaps justifiably) disappointed if not angry about this group of friends and although you suggested you made best efforts to befriend them - they see you as not their tribe or to their liking. This is just bad manners and not being inclusive or welcoming.

1. Start your own friendship group others in the class and wider school families community. If this is successful you will have the opportunity to be inclusive and reach out to include this small friendship group but under your larger group terms and likes.

1. This is just normal in life as some people like you others don't. I am sure you seemingly don't like this alpha group so there are many others in your school community who you will surely get on better with.

1. School gates parental politics can evidently be a minefield as there are always those that just send their children to school speaks with the teaching staff and dismiss the necessity to befriend or get along with any particular class parental friendship group and so just there for strictly school business and nothing else especially navigating any childlike grown up political games.

1. It may be just pure small minded mindset to exclude those that are or may be seemingly different and don't share their lifestyles choices. In this scenario you will not drink or eat certain foods they prefer and vice versa. Both you and this group are not prepared to reach a common middle ground acceptable to both parties.

1. Good luck original poster - this is just life when differences can appear insurmountable or bigger than they really are!

Within weeks of my eldest boy starting primary school, I observed the school groups of 'popular' parents and the power play. It mimicks what kids do in the playground, and I just think being sat at the school gates makes some people regress to their own school days. I outsourced the school run to a private bus as soon as I could in the sure knowledge that I would rather pull out my own eyeballs than face a daily competition over DFS sofas, hot tubs, coffee mornings and holidays...just ignore them, pity them for having the time in their empty lives to alienate people and hold your head high.

If you don’t want to be part of their group, don’t waste time analysing their behaviour.
No they dint sound very nice but you sound rather over invested in them

Typical behaviour of school gate parents. Its been going on forever. Little to do and all day to do it. Be independent not popular.

Honestly, OP, in the nicest possible way, you sound both over-invested and rather paranoid. Other parents can’t ‘insist’ on socialising. No one can force you to join in. Why on earth would you have spent years ‘trying to be good with’ a group of women you yourself describe as ‘bitchy and snobbish’? Why are you so upset that people you don’t like don’t like you? No one is ‘torturing’ you, they’re thoughtless hosts in not catering for a teetotal vegetarian, and clearly not that collectively interested in being friends with you — but while you hide your dislike of them, they don’t take the same trouble, and that seems to really bother you.

Why are you so invested in analysing the detail of their behaviour, OP?

I watched a wonderfully funny series called "Motherland" and it uses the phrase "the hellscape of the school gate.!"

Why try with these awful people? Keep yourself to yourself or talk to another mum who is on her own. They dont own the earth.

Op I’m sorry you feel this way.

I will try to put this gently. These women take up a lot of space in your head, to the extent you now believe that any actions they take are deliberately to exclude or upset you. That they focus on “torturing” you and attempting to cause you “pain” .

In reality, and this is where it gets hard to write gently, they will give you no thought. They will be wrapped up in their own bubble and you won’t cross their minds at all. They will not be giving you th same head space, they will not be planning their social lives to cause you pain, whether you know where they are going or not won’t even occur to them. They will not understand how desperately you wish to be accepted by them and how huge this is to you, or how much pain you’re in. They are simply going about their lives.

I think I’d urge you to find other friends, to stop focusing and thinking of them so much, to try to understand they are not thinking about you all the time and plotting ways to hurt you by socialising together.

It really will be a lot healthier for you. 💐

I think you're a bit sensitive and reading too much into it all.

They had a party for their kid but you complain you weren't catered for? Whiny didn't you take a bottle of coke if that's your drink? I bet everyone else took an bottle. That would have been polite

Also, having been veggie for years, I don't expect people to cater for my dietary requirements. Especially if it was a kids party. The pizza was surely for the kids

@pantonepenny

I think you're a bit sensitive and reading too much into it all.

They had a party for their kid but you complain you weren't catered for? Whiny didn't you take a bottle of coke if that's your drink? I bet everyone else took an bottle. That would have been polite

Also, having been veggie for years, I don't expect people to cater for my dietary requirements. Especially if it was a kids party. The pizza was surely for the kids

I have to agree with this I’m sorry. It seems you wished them to cater for you specifically, which many wouldn’t have done.

Why do you care so much OP? you seem obsessed.

You are not missing out on much op. As mn has frequently reminded me...just because you have kids dosnt mean you have anything else in common.

A different perspective. I am friends with a small group of mums. I try and smile at other mums and am never rude but tbh I work full time and don't have the energy to engage with everyone at the school gates. I see the school run as an in and out job and sometimes I don't bother talking to anyone.

My small group meet for coffees etc as we are friends and have things in common. We would never exclude anyone who asked to join but we don't go around inviting other mums either. I know there are other sub groups from the main WhatsApp group who meet and it doesn't bother me at all.

You can't be friends with all the mums so you just need to find your little crew. Ignore these mums, they don't seem worth it. Find other mums to talk to or people outside the school. Good luck.

@Bluntness100 well said, completely agree.