Bitchy mums at school

[Iamcatwalk]

Ok, long story cut short. My kid is in a school ( particularly in his class) where mums insist too much on socialising. There’s is group of four mums who are bitchy and quite snobbish. These mums when together wouldn’t talk to me but if I meet them separately, three of them are quite nice to me. When we gather together in a party ( they talk through eyes ), not a single of them say hello or acknowledge my presence. I tried my best to be good with them for years but now recently it feels like it’s NOT ME actually, it’s THEM. I thought I am not trying enough. They also try to include others with them and try every possible way to make me alone and miserable. They are very good with other mums or any new people for that matter. I am Asian so is it just because of my skin colour that makes them hate me or something else ? I can’t believe what happiness people get by making other people feel so miserable. Are they not happy in their life so they feel happy after bitching about others ? Seriously can’t understand at all. Help me with your views and opinions.

If you think it is because you are Asian and there are no other Asian parents at the school, then is it racism? If so, then don't sit quietly about it, as they will be a bad example to their children if nothing else.

Do you all still stay at kids parties.? We used to stay in reception and year 1 and then after that parents left them to get on with it. I haven’t uncovered the “ school mum cliques” so beloved on MN just people who are friends - probably who know each other from elsewhere. That’s fine… I’m not relying on other mums for my friendships so when I do become friends it’s a bonus. I also don’t just “ ignore everyone “ as is often advised because that’s just going to look hostile and unfriendly to the vast amount of normal people. It says stay away. I have friendly chit chat with the mums that I know… I certainly wouldn’t make any effort with the 4 mums mentioned. And to the people saying it’s not about you being Asian.. they are not in a position to say that. There are many reasons that people are unkind to other people and skin colour or ethnic background is definitely one of them.

There is always a few. They have too much time and tend to be the ones that are 'kept' by their husbands and think they're superior.

Someone I know had this problem. This person wasn't rich but got by okay. The women in question were her 'friends' but would make sly digs about her. One commented on her engagement ring and went to the effort of looking for it online just to tell her 'it's a nice ring but really not expensive darling'. Well, her husband was having an affair with a 24 year old. He divorced her. She then had nothing and had to rent which she couldn't afford. Take up a job that was a shock to her system and lost their big house.
Karma is a bitch.

@TurtleBay28

I thought the OP said they worked? 🤔. Amazing amount of glee in that post… if you’re going to subscribe to the idea of karma then what was the affair punishment for ? Transgressions in a former life?

Karma most definitely is a bitch if she lost her husband and whole life over making a sly dig about someone's ring 😂

OP, you sound very paranoid and over-invested in the lives of people who you claim not to care about or want to be friends with.
Why can't you just drop off and pick up without all the additional panicking and overthinking and imaginary dramas?

I can honestly say I've never given a second thought as to which of the parents in my kids' classes like me or don't like me. I smile and make small talk with the parents of my kids' friends if they're playing together, or if we happen to be near each other in the playground, but that really is it. If there is some whole other wild scenario going on where other parents in the playground are imagining what I'm like, or judging me on what I wear or what my job might be, then I'm not aware of it and that's fine.
From my perspective, there's some people who drop off and then get on with their day, and others who want to turn the school gates into a social occasion. The former feels much easier and less angsty to me.

@Fashionesta

A different perspective. I am friends with a small group of mums. I try and smile at other mums and am never rude but tbh I work full time and don't have the energy to engage with everyone at the school gates. I see the school run as an in and out job and sometimes I don't bother talking to anyone.

My small group meet for coffees etc as we are friends and have things in common. We would never exclude anyone who asked to join but we don't go around inviting other mums either. I know there are other sub groups from the main WhatsApp group who meet and it doesn't bother me at all.

You can't be friends with all the mums so you just need to find your little crew. Ignore these mums, they don't seem worth it. Find other mums to talk to or people outside the school. Good luck.

This makes the most sense to me.

You've said sometimes they say hello (when they are by themselves), and sometimes they don't (when they are in a group).

You can believe that:

1. they are really nasty, and they are deliberately trying to make you miserable (but only sometimes, when they are together) or
2. when they are in a group they are busy nattering away to each other and they don't notice you, because they do not give you any thought at all really.

I think you should go with whichever of these options makes you feel better!

Nobody brought a wine. This is how a children birthday party works in private school ( especially in my school) . When we give parties, we give foods to parents also. And this happens with all the parents. Whuchever school birthday parties I have been to, parents were always fed. And even when I gad my child’s party I did served loads of food to parents. If you want know that.

Don't try and understand it. It's not worth wasting any energy on.

Just know that some people are dickheads. They've probably been like this since school.

Ignore and move on.

Exactly what Bluntness said.

The amount of thought, angst, trying hard, over analysing, thinking there's a plot centred around you, so you must be of note, to be "excluded" this heavily....

That's what makes it look like you want to be part of the group OP. Probably accepted by them, is a better way to put it. It seems that you are seeking their approval, or some form of validation. You've got the rest of the world to do this with, you just hyperfocus on 4 women who, sorry, aren't interested in you.

Honestly, (and Bluntness put this far more eloquently) they don't give you a second thought. They don't plan things purposefully to exclude you. They just don't invite you to their smaller "splinter group". They don't think about you at all. I didn't invite my neighbours to my birthday. Not because I hate them, I just haven't. It would be most bizarre if they were sitting in their houses seething that I say hello to them each morning, but obviously don't like them as they've been "excluded" from my birthday.

Do you see?

I agree with you but not on a part that they don’t give a single thought about me because all they talk when they meet is bitching about others. They always have some kind of problem with others so of course they talk about me also. I said they talk through eyes. How is it possible that they are talking to me when they meet separately but not together. One out of four clearly hates me because she wouldn’t talk to me in any circumstances but other three will. But they will completely stop when these four are together, probably rest of them follow her when together.

Exactly ! Bring Asian is an important factor of people throwing their hatred ness. I have experienced this multiple times in other social settings. Being an Asian I have always have to make extra efforts to be visible or to be heard.

Honestly op you need to stop focusing on this so much, it is only hurting you. These women are not plotting to cause you pain or to torture you. They don’t make sure you know when they are getting together to hurt you.

When my daughter was at school if I turned up early for pick up, I’d just shoot over the nearest large group and chat whilst waiting. Any mums standing on their own I honestly didn’t give any thought to. I think I’d have assumed that’s what rhey wanted to do. If I caught their eye I would have smiled, said hi or nodded. When events were organised I usually declined, as I was working, but paid no attention to who was going, and when smaller splinter groups went out it was totally irrelevant to me. But I didn’t wish to be their friends. I occasionally went for coffee or whatever, but I worked and most of them did not, it was also private school.

The disconnect here is because you’re so focused on them you’re making the erroneous assumption they are focused on you too. The reality will be they are not, and not to be hurtful, they are just uninterested and not thinking about it.

Thank you for your honest views. I agree on what you said. I know I am thubkinh too much and i should stop.

I’m sorry you’ve had quite a few PPs calling you paranoid, OP. The fact that you cannot avoid some level of contact with these women until your kids are older makes their behaviour something that is bound to weigh on your mind. There may well be an element of racism in how you’ve been treated, no one on here can know that isn’t a factor.

I'm generally the pretty robust type, am successful etc

The whole school gates thing has been the only thing in my adult life that I dreaded and it started when my eldest was at pre school!
Op- we've all seen similar pathetic little cliques.
I very quickly became a roll up at the last possible moment and be off on my toes as quickly as possible type of parent.

I don't think you are paranoid OP and having someone in your home with no suitable food or drink offered while others are catered for is just rude!
However there's a fine line between a 'clique' and just a group of friends. I have a group of mums that a gravitate towards and chat to, but we're not a clique. It would be ridiculous to go around the playground chatting to everyone and making sure they're all included.

I have less interest in some parents than I do others for all sorts of reasons. (I don't know them, I don't like their DC/ parenting style, I have nothing in common with them etc!) but that's just life and I'm sure others feel the same way about me.

Also I never go to adult only meet ups, they don't interest me. I make an effort to be friendly with and get to know the parents of my DC's friends, because it benefits my children. I'm not looking for friends and anything else is a bonus.

Nespresso at all the kids parties I ever had to go to. I usually dropped and ran. Everyone drives everywhere here so no one offered alcohol. A quick coffee and chat at pick up or drop off. I think it's massively naff to make it into a piss up for the parents and luckily so did most of my friends.

Don't bother.
I have three children currently in the local primary school. After a couple of years of trying to integrate with the cliquey mums and listening to them bitching and gossiping about each other, something in me finally snapped and I told them all to go and fuck themselves.
I now breeze in on the school run without a care in the world and breeze out again. If I can avoid having a make small talk with another adult I consider it a win. I'm not there to make friends, I'm there to get my kids and go home.
Life is so much more pleasant when you stop trying to please the assholes.

You literally told them to fuck off

@Bryonyshcmyony

You literally told them to fuck off

Is that to me?

Yep. I literally told them to fuck off. They deserved it completely. I can't be doing with nasty, backstabbing, duplicitous people.

Make you own friends and forget about them, it's not worth the aggro. This happens all the time at the school gates. I smile at a couple of people, but just get on the picking up my kids. I chat to the ones who I've know for a few years, otherwise it's just a pickup.

School is for kids, not parents. It is there to provide social relationships for children. Be friends with your actual friends and don't get involved with anyone who makes you feel this way, regardless of where you know them from.