Bitchy mums at school

[Iamcatwalk]

Ok, long story cut short. My kid is in a school ( particularly in his class) where mums insist too much on socialising. There’s is group of four mums who are bitchy and quite snobbish. These mums when together wouldn’t talk to me but if I meet them separately, three of them are quite nice to me. When we gather together in a party ( they talk through eyes ), not a single of them say hello or acknowledge my presence. I tried my best to be good with them for years but now recently it feels like it’s NOT ME actually, it’s THEM. I thought I am not trying enough. They also try to include others with them and try every possible way to make me alone and miserable. They are very good with other mums or any new people for that matter. I am Asian so is it just because of my skin colour that makes them hate me or something else ? I can’t believe what happiness people get by making other people feel so miserable. Are they not happy in their life so they feel happy after bitching about others ? Seriously can’t understand at all. Help me with your views and opinions.

Honestly you sound a bit childish and dramatic, comparing it 'torture' I mean Maybe they just don't like you that's fine, stop saying hello if they're not going to say it back from a start. Yeah the party food was a bit shit but the kids had juice and there was water so you didn't have nothing to drink. If noone else was drinking coke I don't see why they would have got it just for you. You're taking this all way too personal. Just drop your kids off and pick them up, you obviously can't stand these women either so just move on and make other mum friends if that's what you want to do.

This is turning into an unpleasant pile on against the OP. I’ve never seen such a reaction on a school gate issues thread before.

@Elisandra

This is turning into an unpleasant pile on against the OP. I’ve never seen such a reaction on a school gate issues thread before.

I think many or most are trying to point out that nothing the OP has offered as evidence suggests some kind of deliberate campaign of exclusion, and that while it's perfectly possible these are not particularly nice people, that is surely all the more reason not to give them any further headspace, and certainly not to continue to elevate the importance of their behaviour by viewing it as an active campaign against her.

At DS's old village primary where we used to live, I wasn't added to the class WhatsApp for almost two years, and only found out it existed by accident, was cold-shouldered by some of the other parents at parties where parents stayed when the children were little at one of which there was likewise only meat pizza for the adults (I'm vegetarian) but I certainly didn't think it was anything particularly personal. I was (and am) a foreigner, my face didn't fit, a lot of them had been at school together nearby, and I didn't do the school run often because I worked FT. To be honest, they weren't my type of people either, so it didn't cut me to the heart or anything.

To be fair OP I wouldn't have thought of buying coke if the kids weren't having any

@Elisandra

This is turning into an unpleasant pile on against the OP. I’ve never seen such a reaction on a school gate issues thread before.

Gosh that’s a bit of a dramatic over reaction.

People are trying to help the op, she’s heavily focused on these four women and it’s causing her pain. The focus has went so far that she now believes that if they meet up for coffee they plot how to make sure she knows so as to torture her.

Now this may be true but let’s be honest it’s highly unlikely they are sitting saying ok let’s go out for coffee, and make sure x knows, to cause her some pain. Which is what she’s written she thinks is their motivation and what’s occurring.

She’s only hurting herself. It’s as sure as chips that they have no idea what she’s thinking and would likely be beyond shocked and bemused if they knew she thought they orchestrated their social lives to torture her.

She's also said that everything that comes out of their mouths is shit, so clearly hates them anyway.

I don’t understand why people are not getting my point. How can I avoid them when my child plays with their kids and they all are good friends. Are people so idiot not to understand that you call someone to party where you keep foods/ Drinks for adults separately and for children separately. Host served pepperoni pizza to parents and sandwiches to children. Juices for kids and alcohol to parents. People who are telling me why didn’t I take my drink, I want to ask them why should I when host mentioned there will ne foods and drinks fir adults.

OK, well you can't fully avoid them. The party was unfortunate but they almost certainly didn't do it deliberately, and even if they did, there's not a lot you can do other than smile politely and try and be friendly for your kid's sake of nothing else,while also trying to find some more liked minded friends.

And even they offered me a bottle of coke or juice, I might not drink but it’s a basic etiquette to keep drinks for everyone( not just for alcoholics ) and Also keep in mind this host knows very well I don’t drink and also knows I am the only one who doesn’t drink.

@Iamcatwalk

And even they offered me a bottle of coke or juice, I might not drink but it’s a basic etiquette to keep drinks for everyone( not just for alcoholics ) and Also keep in mind this host knows very well I don’t drink and also knows I am the only one who doesn’t drink.

Ok you seem very upset that they didn’t cater specifically for you, with vegetarian food and soft drinks. I think we’ve said it all and I’m not sure anyone can help you get over it.

Apart from the fact that they didn't buy you a can of coke, throughout the whole thread you haven't actually given any examples of them doing anything actually wrong.

They go out without you, that's allowed, they talk to each other and not you, that's allowed.

Maybe from their side it's 'went out with my friends for coffee today. Had a lovely time.' And that's the end of their thought process.

I don’t think you would be happy too if you were in my position. I can’t make you understand this. I already mentioned it took me years to understand that the problem was not in me but it was them. All these years I was just trying to figure if I wasn’t friendly enough because I don’t talk too much. There were several incidents which I can narrate here but I don’t want to. I have never posted in mumsnet and this is probably my first or second time. I am not blowing anything out of proportion, I am telling what it is.

Ok op, I’m sorry you’re so upset.

To be honest, if it was me I’d just think they forgot and ask if they had any water or juice spare I could have.

Maybe try not to think about it so much, you can’t change other people, just your reaction to them, 💐

[Hmm] Offering wine to adults at a children’s party is not evidence of alcoholism - a serious mental illness, and it is a seriously misguided, ignorant even, accusation to make, however rude and exclusive other parents behaviour is. It’s pretty much a cultural norm at private school parties, not evidence of serious addiction problems.

Honestly my coping mechanism was to always meet these women with a big cheery grin and hello It showed them up, in my perception, for the sad needy women they were.

However do you have a real problem with women working, or drinking. It seems implicit in your posts? Perhaps you are communicating, consciously or unconsciously, that you are seriously at odds with their norms? If so it might be 6 of one, half a dozen of the other as women working and social drinking are not deviant behaviours in our society. Being rude and blanking people though, is, of course.

Ok, I didn’t wanted to share this but here you go. So there was a night out dinner for mums which was hosted by another parent. We all were there. In that party one of these mums insist on taking pictures. Ok, we all stood together to take a picture. She was telling everyone who will stand where. She asked me to stand at the corner. She took a picture only to notice that I was cut out. Mind it this was supposed to be a group photo. Then she asked me to take a picture of them all. And of course I took theirs and next day they posted in what’s app group and talked about how they had fun and how lovely they all looked. 10 pictures and not a single one of me.

@Iamcatwalk

And even they offered me a bottle of coke or juice, I might not drink but it’s a basic etiquette to keep drinks for everyone( not just for alcoholics ) and Also keep in mind this host knows very well I don’t drink and also knows I am the only one who doesn’t drink.

Op...I do believe you. It's a form of bullying. Exclusion is bullying. It's subtle and really hard to prove if you're the victim of it. There's an awful group of mums at my dc school who have excluded me and my dc. It can make you feel awful and really wonder what's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you.

As for the party you've mentioned, I know you said you're Asian. I have lots of Asian friends and have been to lots of their social events. They are the most hospitable, generous people I know. If they see a guest without food or drink, then you are immediately offered some. If there's nothing you want, they will go out of their way to find you something. If that's your culture, then I'm not surprised you were shocked by their behaviour and then not making sure you had a soft drink. What you saw was a group of women who only cared about chatting and drinking with the people they felt were important and would elevate them socially.

Why are you going on nights out with these women if you dislike them all so much?

It's time to disengage, stop taking things so personally, and focus on your real friends. These women are not your friends - you don't like them and they're indifferent towards you. Move on.

To be honest even if they start talking to you... Why would you want to be friends with people who think it's OK to behave like this? They sound awful. You're probably not their "type" but that's good because you're well shot of them. I'd just be confident but distant around them

Thank you so much for understanding. That’s true and I have been to several parties and I have always seen hosts making sure I should have something ( juice ot coffee) as soon as they realise I don’t drink. It’s not I am expecting some food or drinks but it’s normal decency. Here in this case, even after knowing, why would you do that?

I went because the one who invited me is a very good friend of mine. SIMPLE

@Iamcatwalk

I don’t think you would be happy too if you were in my position. I can’t make you understand this. I already mentioned it took me years to understand that the problem was not in me but it was them. All these years I was just trying to figure if I wasn’t friendly enough because I don’t talk too much. There were several incidents which I can narrate here but I don’t want to. I have never posted in mumsnet and this is probably my first or second time. I am not blowing anything out of proportion, I am telling what it is.

Well, I wasn't particularly happy when DS was at his old school where my face really didn't fit, but that was in part because I'd moved to this very insular village where I knew no one, the baby and toddler groups had been a real disappointment and deeply unfriendly, and I was hoping for some new friends among the other parents.

But even then, I realised it was no one's fault. I made efforts, they weren't reciprocated, and we really weren't one another's type of person, anyway -- I made friends elsewhere and kept my interaction with fellow-parents to saying hello in the playground.

It doesn't have to be a you or them blame situation. You wanted to be friends and they didn't. You still mind about the situation far more than they do, despite the fact that you say you don't like them, that they're bitchy snobbish, borderline alcoholic and 'talk shit'. You aren't central to their lives. Their exclusions sound to me thoughtless, rather than targeted. They almost certainly have no idea that you care so much.

I'm not sure I believe that only alcohol was served at a children's party, they didn't have any water?

@NCwhatsmynameagain

There are always bitchy mums. It’s not you and it’s unlikely it’s personal. It’s just you’re not in their clique. Insecure people need to feel their clique is tight and exclusive, it makes them feel special and important. Ignore and find better people to make friends with.

Yes! It's not your ethnicity it is the click. I see it as the best advantage of working late not having to deal with that type of nonsense. "Smile it will make them wonder what your up too".

@Iamcatwalk

Ok, I didn’t wanted to share this but here you go. So there was a night out dinner for mums which was hosted by another parent. We all were there. In that party one of these mums insist on taking pictures. Ok, we all stood together to take a picture. She was telling everyone who will stand where. She asked me to stand at the corner. She took a picture only to notice that I was cut out. Mind it this was supposed to be a group photo. Then she asked me to take a picture of them all. And of course I took theirs and next day they posted in what’s app group and talked about how they had fun and how lovely they all looked. 10 pictures and not a single one of me.

Oh that's really sad OP

Posters on here saying this behaviour is not intentional are seriously missing the point, or perhaps they have some skin in the game. Exclusive behaviour like this is always intentional. By setting themselves norms and excluding those who don’t conform these women (and girls, since it is a continuation of classroom behaviour) are propping up their self esteem with illusions of superiority. The reason they smile at OP when alone but blank her when with the group is that it is a group behaviour, and they know the rules.

It is always rude not to return a smile and a greeting, it is pretty automatic for those of us who are inclusive. To not do so is intentional, and it happens at every school gate and in every classroom in the country!