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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

250 replies

friendinneed2 · 19/06/2021 14:23

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 19/06/2021 14:24

I'd tell you to go fuck yourself tbh.

chronicallyfedup · 19/06/2021 14:25

It looks bad. Like your only getting in touch for the reference. I wouldn't do it op.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 19/06/2021 14:25

I'd think you were a cheeky fucker.

You are just using her for your reference and don't pretend you aren't.

thefirstmrsrochester · 19/06/2021 14:26

I’d do your reference but I’d no longer consider you anything other than an acquaintance if I’m honest.

Rupertpenrysmistress · 19/06/2021 14:27

Ah it's tough when you are going through MH issues and withdraw. Does your friend know about your health? I guess no harm in asking but be prepared for her to decline. If it were my friend I would like to think I would help but, she may feel used.

massiveportion · 19/06/2021 14:27

But you are only using her for the reference. Tough shit.

HirplesWithHaggis · 19/06/2021 14:27

I would be happy to help you out if you explained yourself as you have here. Hope it works out for you.

Showmethefood · 19/06/2021 14:27

Yeah I wouldn’t

spotsoddsocks · 19/06/2021 14:27

I'd ignore you.

17june2021 · 19/06/2021 14:27

I mean, you are using her for the reference

I think you need to acknowledge that and not brush over it, you would have continued ignoring her otherwise

Hopdathelf · 19/06/2021 14:28

Oh dear. This doesn’t look good on you at all, only getting back in touch when you need a reference. Even if you intended to reconnect, the timing will look very mercenary to your friend. Is there no one else at all you can ask?

Crimblecrumble1990 · 19/06/2021 14:29

I would be hurt and pretty pissed off?

Let's hope she hasn't had any problems with relationships, mental health, self esteem and new job woes in the mean time that she needed a friend for.

Tal45 · 19/06/2021 14:30

I would think you were just using me.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 19/06/2021 14:31

Hi OP,

Glad to hear things are getting easier with your MH and in your personal life.

However, if a friend ghosted me and then got in contact to ask for something at their convenience I would be so so so mad at them. Find someone else - ask a neighbour or something.

MissPilly · 19/06/2021 14:31

There’s no harm in trying. If she refuses, that’s that.
I get the feeling of needing to withdraw, I go through similar feelings when I’m overwhelmed. But to others it just seems like you don’t want to know them :s not ideal of course.

proopher · 19/06/2021 14:31

Don't do it. Get the reference somewhere else and then get back in touch.

ElspethFlashman · 19/06/2021 14:32

I'd see right through you, tbh. And I wouldn't be remotely impressed.

spotcheck · 19/06/2021 14:32

So you may have really hurt her. 'Look bad' ....? It IS bad. You've been unkind.
Thing is, you're not saying ' I miss her, how can I get her back'- you are saying ' I need to use her for something, what is the response likely to be'

Get someone else.

And message your friend to say you are sorry, you have been in a bad place, but you miss her. Don't ask her for anything.

LemonFantaGin · 19/06/2021 14:33

I mean, for a real friend I'd do it.

I'd not even question it either, feb wasn't like 4 years ago, its been a few months.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/06/2021 14:33

In her shoes I’d ignore you. Incredibly cheeky. You have no idea what’s gone on in her life over the last 4 months, you dropped her. That’s not how friends behave. And now you want a favour?! No.

Spied · 19/06/2021 14:34

I'd realise you're only back in touch to get your reference. It's obvious.

Freddiefox · 19/06/2021 14:34

By all means get back in touch with her if you want to rekindle the friendship but don’t ask for a reference.

Leeds2 · 19/06/2021 14:34

I don't think you'd be getting a reference from me, in those circumstances.
Ask someone else.

ItsSnowJokes · 19/06/2021 14:35

If you want your friend back, be a friend to her. To get in touch for a reference looks like you have only got in touch with her for a reference. I have also taken time out for my mental health but I explained to absolutely everyone that I just needed some time to sort myself out, no one had done anything wrong, It was all just a bit overwhelming. When I got back in touch with them it was to be a friend, not cos I wanted something from them.

My advice is not to ask for a reference at all. Find someone else to do it.

MrMeSeeks · 19/06/2021 14:36

I’d ignore you, if i were feeling nice.
Sorry, you’re only getting in touch for a reference not for any other reason.
It’s using her, ask someone else.