AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

[friendinneed2]

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

@VettiyaIruken

I'd tell you to go fuck yourself tbh.

This

@VettiyaIruken

I'd tell you to go fuck yourself tbh.

Yeah, sorry but same

Op, my ‘best friend’ ghosted me in April. Literally overnight, gone. I text and rang to talk to her, even tried her husband but they both ignored me. So I left it, gave her space. It’s absolutely devastated me. I’ve never felt as lost as I have and it won’t go away any time soon, so I suggest you leave this person the fuck alone and get your precious reference off someone else because, believe me, your friend will think you are a total piss taker.

Can’t believe you even think this would be ok

It's not that it's only been 4 months, but that the OP's friend has been in touch several times. I understand that OP wanted a break, but she could have managed a "sorry, I'm really in a bad place, still thinking about you, but just need more time on my own at the moment" type text in response to at least one of them.

It’s absolutely fine to tell a friend you want to deal with your problems alone and to go off and do that. But it’s not ok to ignore them. When your friend checked in you should have politely replied, letting her know you were ok and reminded her that you’d be in touch when you were ready. She likely wouldn’t have messaged again.

As it is, you ignored several messages. If she’s more than a casual acquaintance and a good friend who knows you better thrown anyone to be your only option of providing a character reference, then I think this is bad form.

I would also tell you to go fuck yourself

@TatianaBis

I’m not needy and insecure like too many on this thread. It really wouldn’t bother me.

It’s only been 4 months since you last contacted her. That’s not long at all. Some people need space to deal with things on their own.

Nothing to do with being needy or insecure, and everything to do with having basic self-respect.

OP's friend wasn't interested in getting in touch until she needed a character reference - she ignored several texts and didn't have the decency to reply to her friend until she needed something.

That's not the behaviour of a friend.

By all means get back in touch with your friend, I'm sure she would appreciate hearing from you but don't use her as a referee. You must have other people in your life.

@VettiyaIruken

I'd tell you to go fuck yourself tbh.

This.

You are surely taking the mick, OP?

People like you piss me off.

I wouldnt be mad about you lying low... Im not a needy friend and understand others have things going on.

To get in touch just because you need something does make it seem like you are using her though.

No I’d not be mad about the dropping but I’d find it very rude not to even respond politely to my texts, and I’d be annoyed if you then got in touch just for a ref.

@Classicbrunette

Isn’t it a shame that people have no understanding why they get ghosted.

I ghost everyone because nobody cares. Just like the majority of the responders here.

What does that even mean? You ghost people because they don't care? Clearly they must be contacting you which shows they care!

You could be blunt and say I need a reference, I know it's a piss take - can I get you vouchers or wine etc to say thank you?

HRTFT yet but first impressions says if it weren't for you needing a reference you wouldn't contact her so it's purely selfish.

If I were her I'd think you were a prize dick

Nothing to do with being needy or insecure, and everything to do with having basic self-respect

If you have self respect and self confidence you don’t take what other people do so personally, and you don’t need these dramatic knee-jerk reactions.

@MissPilly

There’s no harm in trying. If she refuses, that’s that. I get the feeling of needing to withdraw, I go through similar feelings when I’m overwhelmed. But to others it just seems like you don’t want to know them :s not ideal of course.

I do too but I send a message to my friends first to explain why I might go quiet for a bit - it's not hard even with severe MH issues

A lot of people confusing MH issues with being an arsehole.

Having MH issues doesn't give you the right to treat people like shit.

Take time away? Sure. Go for it. I myself was suicidal this time last year and told my friends not to be offended if I don't contact them for a while etc. It wasn't hard to do even when I wanted to die.

Ghosting messages without even an 'I'm sorry I can't talk' response? - Arsehole behaviour.

You can have MH issues and not be a cunt about it

I'd ghost you to be honest.

I would be offended ambitious was obviously you only got back in contact with me, because you wanted a reference from me. Awful. By all means contact your friend to say hi. Do not mention a reference, unless it's been a few months. Otherwise its going to look really selfish.

I'd laugh at how blatant you are tbh. I wouldn't respond to you though.

It was only a few months ago.

You have been struggling. The fact you needed a break means you are either the type that needs to retreat to refocus or she was maybe a bit intense.

Get back in touch. In conversation when she asks how you are you could mention the job, but you still need to finalise references and see if she volunteers . I would.

"@TatianaBis If you have self respect and self confidence you don’t take what other people do so personally, and you don’t need these dramatic knee-jerk reactions".

Agreed, you carry on with yr life, and think no more about it. But, equally , you are not then required to give them cheeky feckers references when they reappear.

The Op wanted to be alone until she didn't.

I would still do your reference.
You have been struggling and like you, I tend to retreat into myself!

I think you should contact your friend. Apologise and explain what's been going on with your life.
Then perhaps ask to meet up face to face and tell her about the job and reference.