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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

250 replies

friendinneed2 · 19/06/2021 14:23

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

OP posts:

anewpost · 20/06/2021 13:45

OP, I would get back in touch.

Out of interest, for my own personal reasons, having been a recipient of this kind of ghosting - was it just this friend your didn't want to see, but you were happy to talk to other friends and post pics with them on social media for example ? This is a genuine question as it's happens to me, two years ago.

Friend was having a hard time, no longer wanted to speak to me. But happy to speak to others and post pics with others etc.

It's hard not to take that personally. Anyway, I would love your perspective on it. Did you just ghost this one friends or others as well ? Thank you.

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2021 13:51

I couldn't give anyone a reference if they had ghosted me for 4 months. If pp think that makes me the needy one then crack on.

PixieLaLa · 20/06/2021 13:59

Actually the ‘needy’ one here is the OP who needs a reference and if she’s contemplating asking a friend she’s ghosted then it doesn’t seem like she has other close friends. Close friendships do involve some effort and shouldn’t be one sided.

Quaggars · 20/06/2021 14:09

@chronicallyfedup

It looks bad. Like your only getting in touch for the reference. I wouldn't do it op.

This.

ImNotAShitFriend · 20/06/2021 14:22

@anewpost

This is a good question and the same thing happened to me but I doubt op will return to reply!

Rosesareyellow · 20/06/2021 14:51

Getting back in touch after a tough time because you want to rebuild the relationship- lovely, no problem.

Getting back in touch after a tough time because you now need something and obviously you wouldn’t have got in touch otherwise. CF. I’d happily ghost you back.

Original poster

friendinneed2 · 20/06/2021 16:38

@anewpost I will be honest with you, I stopped talking to everyone I deleted all my social media apps. I told everyone I was going to do this and just needed to sort myself out. Did the same with my family who live abroad. Only person I didn't stop speaking to was my ex, obviously because of the DC. But my family who I spoke to on a daily basis were the first people I got back in touch with. That was after a few months, reason being is that they don't need to meet me for a coffee or go out with them as they don't live in the U.K. but my friends does, they want to go out, go to the parks, coffee etc. I didn't want to do any of that, because of how I felt. I didn't like the way I looked, and I just didn't want to be in public like that.

Now I got a job, I'm on my weight loss journey and I'm far from where I want to be, but I'm getting there and I promised myself Im not going to put my life on hold because of my weight.

My friend is just a great friend, and I love her so much. When I told her I needed space, she texted me a few times after that asking how I'm getting on and if I want to come round her house or go to the park for a change of scenery, I did respond the first few times when she asked how I was but when she suggested popping round that's when I didn't reply, and I feel bad cuz I know she means well. But I was just not in the right headspace to go out, and I don't wanna keep saying I need more space/time..

OP posts:

Original poster

friendinneed2 · 20/06/2021 16:39

And I was arguing a lot with my ex at the time, he said some hurtful things which made things worse for me but he apologised and we're OK now

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2021 16:41

You've asked her for a job reference. What does a 'reference' mean to you?
You want her to put her reputation on the line to give you a reference after you had to ghost her for 4 months for your mental health.

Original poster

friendinneed2 · 20/06/2021 16:45

Unless you've never had a problem with your weight, you'll never understand how much your weight can hold you back from doing things. I honestly was so scared to apply for jobs, cuz that meant I had to be around people knowing how self conscious I am about my body but I forced myself to do it cuz I was just tired of putting my life on hold because of my weight. And I just told myself this is the first step of getting your life together

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2021 16:53

A reference means something; it uses the reputation of the person who gives the reference to guarantee your character.

anewpost · 20/06/2021 17:01

I would do it for my friend who's ghosted me for two years. I care about her a lot and would do anything I could to help her. I would need her to acknowledge that she's sorry for not having been in my life though. Then it would be forgotten for me. I know maybe that's wrong, expecting an apology, but it would help. I was very hurt. But yeah I think you should apologise and then apologise again for the fact you need the reference. Then you need to be there and be her friend though and build the trust again.

notthemum · 20/06/2021 17:37

Flaming cheek.

If i were your friend depending on my mood i would probably write you a quick letter.
Hi mate. I am glad to hear that you have got yourself settled and are obviously in a better position than last time we had any contact.
I myself have been concentrating on my family, my own fitness and mental health and am doing quite well.
Anyway lovely to hear from you. Perhaps we can catch up with a coffee sometime.
Sorry am just out to a ' still socially distanced afternoon/evening with friends. Take care.

ImNotAShitFriend · 20/06/2021 17:42

With respect op, if my friend who dumped me came to me and said her issues for dumping me were because of her weight, but she now wants to be mates again because she needs a reference, she’d be shown the door. Sounds to me like your highly likely to dump her again eitherway.

TheTuesdayPringle · 20/06/2021 18:20

@ImNotAShitFriend

OP has already explained she has MH difficulties and needed space from everyone. Also that she explained this to the people in her life.

Honestly you sound very judgemental. Why would you not be supportive of an old friend going through a tough time?

ImNotAShitFriend · 20/06/2021 18:28

@TheTuesdayPringle

I’m not judgemental. No one knows how the op dumping her friend has actually affected the friend, or her mh.

Lockheart · 20/06/2021 18:34

[quote ImNotAShitFriend]@TheTuesdayPringle

I’m not judgemental. No one knows how the op dumping her friend has actually affected the friend, or her mh.[/quote]
The OP didn't dump her, the OP told everyone she was going incommunicado for a time whilst she sorted some things out. That's not dumping. Or ghosting, for that matter.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/06/2021 18:56

@khakiandcoral

I think posters have a very unhealthy idea of how important they should be in their friends life...

You can have very close friends, but sometimes you have to accept life goes in the way, things happen and they don't contact you immediately.

That level of neediness must be suffocating and exhausting.

Nah, that's a bit rude. You can have the relationship you like or negotiate with your friends. Maybe not be quite so judgemental and rude about other people, who you don't know.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/06/2021 18:59

My personal experience of this is that I got over it, thought we had moved on, and then it happened again, so I would have to think very hard about risking feeling used again.

Mugsen · 20/06/2021 19:19

Everybody has problems. Sometimes you don't want to go out. But you can phone, say hi, how are you. Keep things ticking over. Let them know you care about them. I think if you're going to ghost, grey rock, ignore or go no contact, there isn't a way back very often. People are hurt by it.

PixieLaLa · 20/06/2021 22:26

Hmm and it just so happens that the time you feel ready to message your friend again is the time you need a reference....wow what a coincidence 😂

TheTuesdayPringle · 21/06/2021 03:39

[quote ImNotAShitFriend]@TheTuesdayPringle

I’m not judgemental. No one knows how the op dumping her friend has actually affected the friend, or her mh.[/quote]
But that's just it. There was no "dumping". OP clearly communicated that she needed space. What exactly is wrong with that?

She has also explained she has MH difficulties which I would hope that most people could understand can make daily life very difficult.

I think you are being ridiculously dramatic, and seem strangely determined to apportion blame and shame to a poster who is just asking for advice.

It's four months and they have a strong friendship. Life happens - and wise people understand that.

tortoiselover100 · 21/06/2021 04:25

Get in touch her and say you're feeling better now. And use someone else for a reference.

leeds2glasgow · 21/06/2021 06:05

@billy1966

I so agree.

I really hope the OP realises in the real world 4 months is nothing.

I haven't seen some friends in 12 months and am only very intimitintly in contact because that's just how I'm feeling, but that does not for a minute mean we are no longer friends.

I played tennis today with 3 women and we had coffee, we all spoke about feeling a little lazy/disconnected/can't be arsed.....we all totally got it.

Lots of people are processing grief, loss, shit, kids, bla, bla, bla......they just are not themselves and need space.

I'm blessed.

I get this.

So do ALL my friends.

We love each othet but we will always give each other space respectfully...

Why?

Because sometimes people have shit going on and just want space.

It's about respect.

Respect for shit your friend might just be going through that YOU have NO idea about.

Just respecting your history together and knowing that you will be there for her, when she needs you.

And she would also be there for you.

These are my friendships.

I'll have what you're having

VeilofWinterFog · 21/06/2021 07:45

I think some of these comments are harsh. If, apart from this recent withdrawal, you were a good friend to her then I would definitely get in touch. I would understand if it was a good friend of mine, I would be glad to see you getting your life back together and would be pleased to help you.

I think I would only feel hurt or used if having given a reference, you then disappeared again.

Be honest with her and that you are asking her for a reference because you do view her as a close friend and respect her. I think if she does agree to provide the reference though you do have to make an effort to continue the friendship. If you don't intend to do so, then don't contact her.

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