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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

250 replies

friendinneed2 · 19/06/2021 14:23

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

OP posts:
StevieNix · 19/06/2021 15:09

I’d tell you to fuck right off - or ignore you. You ghosted a friend and now you want to get back in touch only when it benefits you and you want something from her. I’d think you were a complete cheeky fucker if you tried that with me

Moonlaserbearwolf · 19/06/2021 15:09

We’re only talking 4 months!!
I depends exactly what you said to her in February, but honestly I can’t see it being a problem based on what you’ve said. How often did you speak/see you friend leading up to February?
I wouldn’t say you’ve ghosted her yet - hasn’t been long enough.

TDogsInHats · 19/06/2021 15:09

My DH was contacted out of the blue by an old friend's prospective employer, asking DH for a character reference.
The cheeky effer friend (so called) hadn't even asked DH if he'd provide a reference. He hadn't spoken to DH for years either! They are no longer friends.
(He gave a reference though)

Confusedaboutlots · 19/06/2021 15:12

you’re basically using her

don’t do it

if you do you will lose her friendship

QuestioningEverything2 · 19/06/2021 15:13

I wouldn't have an issue with a friend doing this, if they were a genuine friend and had been going through mental health problems. It's only a few months.

Puffalicious · 19/06/2021 15:15

@cupsofcoffee

TBH after that amount of time, I wouldn't want to hear your excuses or reasons - it's like you dropped her when you're struggling but are only interested in speaking to her when things are easy.

I know you said you needed a "break" but to me that's a week or two, not four months.

I think you need to be prepared for her to want nothing to do with you.

I agree. No matter how much you were struggling a text now and again would have taken minimal effort. If we push those away who are there for us, don't be surprised if they're not there when you look for them again.
Bookaholic73 · 19/06/2021 15:15

@VettiyaIruken

I'd tell you to go fuck yourself tbh.
Exactly this.
Bluntness100 · 19/06/2021 15:16

@Moonlaserbearwolf

We’re only talking 4 months!! I depends exactly what you said to her in February, but honestly I can’t see it being a problem based on what you’ve said. How often did you speak/see you friend leading up to February? I wouldn’t say you’ve ghosted her yet - hasn’t been long enough.
It’s not the time, the woman was nice enough to text the op, invite her etc and the op didn’t even respond,
LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 15:16

If i were yr friend i would write it for you but, I would now have to be honest in relation to your "character" It may be relevant to your new role.

It all sounds very user! It looks like you are trying to find 2 people who would have nice things to say about you. I am
sorry you have had a hard time but, what you are suggesting is not a nice "character" trait. You should have responded to yr friend as you were better. I would also be prepared for her not to want to reengage in the friendship.

Confusedaboutlots · 19/06/2021 15:19

you should have just told her at the time you needed some time out from everyone and everything rather than ghosting her - ghosting is never on and everyone deserves basic respect

Rebuildingconfidence · 19/06/2021 15:22

I would do it in a heartbeat, and struggling to understand the anger on this thread. People sometimes need space and I get that. I leave them to it. I am happy that they know I am there if they need me.

Good luck in the new job!

Moonlaserbearwolf · 19/06/2021 15:26

@Bluntness100 I’m just thinking about how I’d approach this if I’d been ignored by a previously good friend for 4 months. If my friend had been going through a rough time and had ignored a couple of texts for a few months it wouldn’t be such a big deal (assuming we’d been friends for quite a while!). I guess we’re all different, but I’d be happy for my friend if she was in a better place and be keen to help her out.
Obviously, if it turns out she just wanted a reference and then ignored me afterwards, that would be cheeky. A lot depends on the prior relationship - if a good friend of many years has a 4 month blip, it seems a bit drastic to write her off immediately.

QueenofallNorway · 19/06/2021 15:26

Bit ironic that you’d ask for a character reference after treating her like shit

Fernando072020 · 19/06/2021 15:27

I'd tell you where to go or just wouldn't bother answering you

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 19/06/2021 15:27

YABVU

SmudgeButt · 19/06/2021 15:29

It's so lovely to think that so many people commenting here lead such perfect lives that they've never needed to take a break.

You've been honest with your friend about needing a break. She's been kind enough to keep the door open for you to get in touch when you are ready. You've got yourself sorted and need a bit extra from your friendship.

Be honest with her, tell her you know if might look like you're only contacting her for the reference and if she doesn't want to give it you'll understand. And thank her for allowing you the space to get through things.

cupsofcoffee · 19/06/2021 15:31

@Moonlaserbearwolf

We’re only talking 4 months!! I depends exactly what you said to her in February, but honestly I can’t see it being a problem based on what you’ve said. How often did you speak/see you friend leading up to February? I wouldn’t say you’ve ghosted her yet - hasn’t been long enough.
Her friend has texted her several times and OP has totally ignored her - but now she wants to get in touch when she needs help Hmm

That's not a nice way to treat a friend. Nobody needs that much space.

Classicbrunette · 19/06/2021 15:31

Isn’t it a shame that people have no understanding why they get ghosted.

I ghost everyone because nobody cares. Just like the majority of the responders here.

cupsofcoffee · 19/06/2021 15:32

@SmudgeButt

It's so lovely to think that so many people commenting here lead such perfect lives that they've never needed to take a break.

You've been honest with your friend about needing a break. She's been kind enough to keep the door open for you to get in touch when you are ready. You've got yourself sorted and need a bit extra from your friendship.

Be honest with her, tell her you know if might look like you're only contacting her for the reference and if she doesn't want to give it you'll understand. And thank her for allowing you the space to get through things.

I have needed to take a break.

But that break doesn't involve ignoring my friends for four months and only getting in touch when I need their help.

TheGumption · 19/06/2021 15:32

I'd ghost you back.

KarmaStar · 19/06/2021 15:34

Yabu ..do you want a real friendship with her? If so you'll have to apologise and explain.
And hope she doesn't kick you into touch.

BronwenFrideswide · 19/06/2021 15:36

@Classicbrunette

Isn’t it a shame that people have no understanding why they get ghosted.

I ghost everyone because nobody cares. Just like the majority of the responders here.

The OP's friend clearly did care and got nothing for her trouble except the OP now wanting to use her for a reference.
LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 15:37

"Thanks. I'm really glad I came on here before embarrassing myself. I'm not going to ask for a reference"

Op, with kindness your update isn't great either. You were more concerned with embarrassing yourself? Neither of yr posts have expressed any understanding or recognition of your friends possible hurt your ghosting caused her or any that the ref req may cause her. You were also "planning" to contact her- when it suited you? All sounds very clinical and about you OP. Based on all this i would respectfully suggest you are not ready to start building bridges yet.

burnoutbabe · 19/06/2021 15:39

I'd do it for a friend, even a friend I wasn't much in touch with.

It's only confirming usually that you have known the person for x years and confirming in my case that the employment gaps were due to having kids and not in jail.

It may be that your mental health issues mean you still need to take breaks from socialising but you have to be in touch due to this job, which is still fine.

HerMammy · 19/06/2021 15:43

Tbf, I think you’re kidding yourself you miss her, if you didn’t want a reference would
you be getting in touch?
I’d think you were a cheeky cow.

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