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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

250 replies

friendinneed2 · 19/06/2021 14:23

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

OP posts:
17june2021 · 19/06/2021 15:43

I would be worried that she would give you a poor reference.

She can’t lie, but if you tell your employer “my very good friend Anne will provide a character reference” then Anne replies to the employer “I don’t know her that well, we haven’t spoken in months as she’s been ignoring me. I can’t provide a reference or vouch for her” your employer might think you’re messing them around as you said she’s a good friend.

lolacola77 · 19/06/2021 15:52

I'd tell you to piss off. Despite the problems you had it wouldn't have killed you to reply to her texts or send the odd email.

saraclara · 19/06/2021 15:56

@lemonsyellow

Gosh, the majority of responses on this thread are completely alien to me. I think they are shocking. It was only February, not years ago. The OP has had mental health issues. Of course people don’t communicate much if they have problems. That’s normal. They don’t want to burden their friends or they feel ashamed.
It might be normal, but to suddenly feel better and contact this person just at the point that they need them for a reference, is a whole different thing.

I'm glad you've decided not to ask her, OP.

Anotheruser02 · 19/06/2021 15:59

I would give you a reference if I were your friend.

You explained your situation and said you needed time out, she ignored and invited you over. I'd imaging this was more her saying 'I'm still here whenever you need'.

In her shoes I'd be glad you were feeling a bit better. Yeah the timing's shit but meh.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/06/2021 16:00

I have had a few people over the years who only made contact when they wanted something. It doesn't feel very nice tbh, and I was over it a long time ago. So by all means get in touch, if you are ready to do so, but I wouldn't be asking for that reference if you value the friendship at all.

BeastforLease · 19/06/2021 16:02

@saraclara you clearly know nothing about about mental health problems... The OP clearly has taken the time to get well, and part of that was dropping communication with people - including her friend.

It's very normal, and very common, when someone is struggling with their mental health.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/06/2021 16:06

@HirplesWithHaggis

I would be happy to help you out if you explained yourself as you have here. Hope it works out for you.
Yep. Me too.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/06/2021 16:09

You’d have to have done something really terrible for me to not want to help you get a job. Asking for a little space while you deal with some mental health problems is not terrible.
I’d happily give you a reference and I’d consider it part of helping your recovery.

Benjispruce3 · 19/06/2021 16:09

Not good op.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 19/06/2021 16:09

You didnt ghost her. You explained how you were feeling and told her you needed to be alone for some time. If a friend of mine said that, I would understand. And I would have sent a text every so often just to let you know that I'm there when you're ready.
If you came back and wanted to restart the friendship, I would. But if you came back and asked for a reference... I would feel the need to be honest and mention your penchant for withdrawing from people and being a loner.

Just be her friend again. I'm glad you're not going to ask for the reference.

TatianaBis · 19/06/2021 16:09

I’m not needy and insecure like too many on this thread. It really wouldn’t bother me.

It’s only been 4 months since you last contacted her. That’s not long at all. Some people need space to deal with things on their own.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 19/06/2021 16:10

Although, ifs a personal character reference and she isnt involved in the field? So it wouldn't come back on her.
If it wouldn't come back on me in anyway, it affect my career, I would maybe be more OK with not mentioning the withdrawing and all that.

Tirediam · 19/06/2021 16:10

I’d ghost the shit out of your message

MotherFuckerzzzz · 19/06/2021 16:17

You dumped your friend and want a character reference?
She wouldn't have much good to say about you surely?

Bagamoyo1 · 19/06/2021 16:23

@Rupertpenrysmistress

Ah it's tough when you are going through MH issues and withdraw. Does your friend know about your health? I guess no harm in asking but be prepared for her to decline. If it were my friend I would like to think I would help but, she may feel used.
The thing is, OP’s mental health has clearly improved enough to look for, find, apply and successfully obtain a new job, but she still hasn’t got back in touch with her friend. Until now, when she needs a favour.
SuperstoreFan · 19/06/2021 16:24

I'd tell you to fuck off.

Bagamoyo1 · 19/06/2021 16:27

@lemonsyellow

Gosh, the majority of responses on this thread are completely alien to me. I think they are shocking. It was only February, not years ago. The OP has had mental health issues. Of course people don’t communicate much if they have problems. That’s normal. They don’t want to burden their friends or they feel ashamed.
It takes seconds to reply to a text “thank you for thinking of me, I’m still not in a great place and not ready to socialise, but I appreciate your patience and I promise I’ll be in touch soon”. Instead, OP ignored her, and set about getting a shiny new job!
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/06/2021 16:27

@TatianaBis

I’m not needy and insecure like too many on this thread. It really wouldn’t bother me.

It’s only been 4 months since you last contacted her. That’s not long at all. Some people need space to deal with things on their own.

'needy and insecure'.... That's a bit rude. It wouldn't bother you. Meh. No need to get personal about it Hmm
AlternativePerspective · 19/06/2021 16:30

“Mental health issues” are used all too often as an excuse to treat other people like shit.

It’s one thing to drop contact with someone because you have stuff going on and can’t deal with anyone right now, it’s quite another to claim you can’t deal with life, to then apply for work and then come back when that person you claimed you couldn’t face can be of use to you. Either you can face someone or you can’t,

Bagamoyo1 · 19/06/2021 16:33

There’s nothing “needy and insecure” about expecting friends to acknowledge a handful of text messages over a 4 month period. It’s called friendship.

And as someone pointed out earlier, it’s an irony to ask someone to vouch for your good character when you’ve been a crap friend to them.

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 19/06/2021 16:38

If it wasn’t for the reference would you be getting back in touch now?

PineappleMojito · 19/06/2021 16:38

That did happen to me once - a friend ghosted me for ages, first because of being preoccupied with a new relationship and then I gather he had an episode with his mental health. He then got in touch needing help with something. I told him how shitty it was to do that, in no uncertain terms. I do empathise with how difficult it can be when your mental health causes you to withdraw from people, but if you get into the right space to reconnect, then reach out to reconnect, don’t do it because you need a favour. That leaves people feeling like you only want them around when they’re useful to you and it isn’t a nice feeling.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 16:40

"@TatianaBis I’m not needy and insecure like too many on this thread. It really wouldn’t bother me".

It is not about being needy or insecure at all. It is about decency and basic respect for people and yourself. The OP's friend appears to have been very decent and secure in herself. Others on this thread are secure enough in themselves to not be used like this.

The only needy one here is the Op... she's the one that needs the reference!

CandyLeBonBon · 19/06/2021 16:40

@TatianaBis

I’m not needy and insecure like too many on this thread. It really wouldn’t bother me.

It’s only been 4 months since you last contacted her. That’s not long at all. Some people need space to deal with things on their own.

'Needy and insecure'?

Aren't you a gem? Confused

saraclara · 19/06/2021 16:40

[quote BeastforLease]@saraclara you clearly know nothing about about mental health problems... The OP clearly has taken the time to get well, and part of that was dropping communication with people - including her friend.

It's very normal, and very common, when someone is struggling with their mental health.[/quote]
Sadly I know a great deal about mental health problems. And about not being able to cope with social interaction.

What I'm clearly saying is that you can't just surface from that at the very point that you need a reference from someone you've deliberately ghosted, and ask them. It simply isn't fair, whatever the circumstances of the ghosting.