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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

250 replies

friendinneed2 · 19/06/2021 14:23

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

OP posts:
Trouvaille · 20/06/2021 06:24

So you ignore her, then pick her up when it suits you? No I wouldn’t help you, friendship doesn’t work like that.

Satlie2019 · 20/06/2021 06:30

@friendinneed2 it depends what your friend is like, but if she is understanding and a really good friend I would 't worry at all. Tbh I have friends who forget to reply to my messages for a while and I just think they are busy. I also have a school friend with mental health issues who drops in and out of contact, and sometimes contacts me asking for something, I realise she sometimes needs space and sometimes needs contact.

You explained to your friend you were going through some things, so hopefully she realises you needed space. You also say you always intended to get back in contact so, if this is true, personally I don't think you are using her. If I were you friend I would be thrilled for you about the job and more than happy to help. If you genuinely think she is the best person to write the reference I would contact her. Check in on how she is, explain you needed some space but are in a better place bow, and ask if she is comfortable to provide you with a reference (it is obvisouly her choice). Even if you decide you don't want a reference from her I would still contact her though if she is a good friend, just to see how she is. Honestly if she is a good friend she should understand you were going through some things xx

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 20/06/2021 08:06

Hi all

We're just catching up and it appears this thread got somewhat derailed - can we leave it at that now, and move on?

clpsmum · 20/06/2021 08:17

This reply has been deleted

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Rubyrecka · 20/06/2021 08:24

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TheTuesdayPringle · 20/06/2021 09:35

Well this very scenario happened to me just a few weeks ago and I was SO happy to hear from my friend and hear that she was going better. I didn't feel used. Our friendship has spanned decades and I've always known she struggles with MH. So I would say yes, reach out.

Satlie2019 · 20/06/2021 12:01

@TheTuesdayPringle exactly, so glad you posted this.

khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 12:03

For Fuck's sakes, posters are on another level on this thread.
It's been 4 months, not 10 years! 4 MONTHS...

A real friend would accept your apology, and write you a nice reference.

If you were my friends, I might inwardly think you are taking the piss a bit, but as a one-off, would let it go and see what happens next.

Invite her for a meal as a thank you.

But this is MN, people don't do each other favours without charging for them, don't have friends popping over for the weekend without calling them CF, posters are insane. And probably very lonely in real life.

sweatervest · 20/06/2021 12:11

if someone ghosted me like that i would have blocked them after a month or so, or sooner. so you might not even be able to get back in touch with her.

billy1966 · 20/06/2021 12:11

@TheTuesdayPringle

Well this very scenario happened to me just a few weeks ago and I was SO happy to hear from my friend and hear that she was going better. I didn't feel used. Our friendship has spanned decades and I've always known she struggles with MH. So I would say yes, reach out.
This absolutely would be me too.

She warned her friend she was struggling, so the friend should not be surprised.

I certainly wouldn't be.

I would also be thrilled that my friend was feeling a bit better.

khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 12:14

@sweatervest

if someone ghosted me like that i would have blocked them after a month or so, or sooner. so you might not even be able to get back in touch with her.
You must have very little in your own life if you were that bothered after ONE month.

It's like high school!

lemonsyellow · 20/06/2021 12:17

@TheTuesdayPringle
Absolutely right. The level of viciousness on this thread towards another human being is disgusting. What’s wrong with people? Four months is nothing.

SheepGoBaaaa · 20/06/2021 12:18

Yes, @billy1966 and @khakiandcoral. OP, just don’t vanish abruptly again after asking for the reference, as that would indeed look unpleasantly transactional.

Anna727b · 20/06/2021 12:20

YABU as you are just using her for the reference.

PixieLaLa · 20/06/2021 12:34

I think PP focusing on it having been 4 months are missing the point. It’s not about how long it’s been it’s about OP out right ignoring their friend when they contacted her several times, in her own words ‘ghosting her’. Then now that OP needs something from her she’s suddenly thinking about getting back in contact and seems more bothered about how this might look rather than how her friend might be feeling or what’s been going on in her life.

khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 12:56

I think posters have a very unhealthy idea of how important they should be in their friends life...

You can have very close friends, but sometimes you have to accept life goes in the way, things happen and they don't contact you immediately.

That level of neediness must be suffocating and exhausting.

billy1966 · 20/06/2021 13:17

For an old friend to not respond to overtures having already told me that they were struggling and needed to step away, I would just be sympathetic to them and assume they were continue to struggle, certainly not immediately go to a "FXXK You".

What unnecessary drama.

secular39 · 20/06/2021 13:22

@khakiandcoral

I think posters have a very unhealthy idea of how important they should be in their friends life...

You can have very close friends, but sometimes you have to accept life goes in the way, things happen and they don't contact you immediately.

That level of neediness must be suffocating and exhausting.

4 months is a long time. I had a very good friend who did this. She was going through a time, she came back and apologised. But I did tell her that if she did it again that I wouldn't accept her apology and that I will move on.

People who ghost you on and off, would keep on doing it. That's the problem. You have to make up your mind (I'm not going to speak to his person) and move on. Coming in and out of someone's life is not fair on the person affected. Think of it like a husband or a partner, they break up with you, and a couple of months they contact you again, they break up with you, and then they come back again, on and on it goes.

Leave your friend alone and move on with your life. You don't even want to come back to rekindle the friendship, you just want a reference.

khakiandcoral · 20/06/2021 13:24

4 months is a long time. I had a very good friend who did this. She was going through a time, she came back and apologised. But I did tell her that if she did it again that I wouldn't accept her apology and that I will move on.

if that's how you behave when your friends are struggling, you are not a friend, are you.

I am glad I am not surrounded by drama-loving high school tantrumming friends like this!

Whyhello · 20/06/2021 13:27

Ask someone else, if I were her I’d totally ignore you.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 20/06/2021 13:28

@TheTuesdayPringle

Well this very scenario happened to me just a few weeks ago and I was SO happy to hear from my friend and hear that she was going better. I didn't feel used. Our friendship has spanned decades and I've always known she struggles with MH. So I would say yes, reach out.
I absolutely agree. I have friends with BPD who will stop speaking to me at the drop of a hat and then contact me months later to apologise. I think what they have to deal with in terms of their mental health is much worse than a friend not replying to my texts so I always accept their apologies and move on. I’d be so sad if a friend was too scared to ask me for help in this way just because of a few months of radio silence.
BettyBurntBuns · 20/06/2021 13:28

@khakiandcoral

4 months is a long time. I had a very good friend who did this. She was going through a time, she came back and apologised. But I did tell her that if she did it again that I wouldn't accept her apology and that I will move on.

if that's how you behave when your friends are struggling, you are not a friend, are you.

I am glad I am not surrounded by drama-loving high school tantrumming friends like this!

And what about the person? It’s not good to be ghosted without explanation.

You can keep on trying when you are ill. That includes a short message “ hi sorry not too good at the moment, hope you are well? maybe catch up in a month?”

They aren’t care providers.

ObviousNameChage · 20/06/2021 13:29

@khakiandcoral

I think posters have a very unhealthy idea of how important they should be in their friends life...

You can have very close friends, but sometimes you have to accept life goes in the way, things happen and they don't contact you immediately.

That level of neediness must be suffocating and exhausting.

But surely that works both ways, which means OP is unreasonable to expect to be that important to her friend that she can slot right back in after 4 months' absence and pick up where they left off including asking for favours.

I do cool friendships like this. Not because I'm needy, quite the opposite. It's because I don't need other people , if they don't need me either that's fine. I'm not going to beg for their attention or sit around waiting for it. A lot of the time I move on. They sometimes come back , but it's not the same and the friendship dies anyways. There's no arguments,no hurt feelings, no agonising or wondering about what ifs or what the hell happened.

It's the complete opposite of neediness and drama.

HOkieCOkie · 20/06/2021 13:30

I’m sorry but I’d tell you to do one, you can’t drop ppl and pick them up when it suits you.

secular39 · 20/06/2021 13:34

@khakiandcoral

4 months is a long time. I had a very good friend who did this. She was going through a time, she came back and apologised. But I did tell her that if she did it again that I wouldn't accept her apology and that I will move on.

if that's how you behave when your friends are struggling, you are not a friend, are you.

I am glad I am not surrounded by drama-loving high school tantrumming friends like this!

Sorry. I wouldn't. ((Shrug))

After 7 months of no contact after checking to see if everything was ok. She dropped from the face of the earth but because she was such a good friend, I gave her chance but I wouldn't do it again.

Similarly, I had a friend who after every pert argument wouldn't contact me again. We would have a disagreement, she wouldn't talk to me again in three months. She would contact me again and say that a family member has died, I'll be there, after a disagreement, she would drop off contact for three months again, she would contact me again and say that another family member has died, contact would resume, I would cook for her, clean, look after her boys, but after a disagreement with her, she would say that she would not want me to be involved in her and her children's lives anymore. At that point, I told her, "that is fine, but please do not reassume contact with me again after three months, move on for all our sales"). That's stopped her and I haven't heard from her in a year Smile

People who ghost you on and off have a form. It's very rarely a rare occasion, it becomes a pattern. Leave her and allow her to make new friends.

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