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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

250 replies

friendinneed2 · 19/06/2021 14:23

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

OP posts:
MysteriousMonkey · 19/06/2021 18:13

As a pp said. I'd do your reference but I'd think you were a CF and avoid you after.

MysteriousMonkey · 19/06/2021 18:16

Ps I have a friend with MH issues, and she will drop me for months. It hurt every. Single. Time. It was awful. Having MH issues doesn't make it okay to hurt people. In my case if my friend was open and honest with me and said I'm struggling so it will be a while I would have understood. As it is as far as I'm concerned our friendship is now over. Definitely more her loss because she has never been there for me.

MysteriousMonkey · 19/06/2021 18:16

Sorry can't edit. OP that wasn't in response to you as I know you told your friend, it was to another poster.

ChipsAndKetchup · 19/06/2021 18:18

@ImprobablePuffin

A lot of people confusing MH issues with being an arsehole.

Having MH issues doesn't give you the right to treat people like shit.

Take time away? Sure. Go for it. I myself was suicidal this time last year and told my friends not to be offended if I don't contact them for a while etc. It wasn't hard to do even when I wanted to die.

Ghosting messages without even an 'I'm sorry I can't talk' response? - Arsehole behaviour.

You can have MH issues and not be a cunt about it

Exactly this
TatianaBis · 19/06/2021 18:21

The Op wanted to be alone until she didn't

It’s ok for people to want to be alone for a bit and need some space.

Unless you need them to be around you. In which case, I dunno, put a gun to their head and say “don’t ever leave me”.

ToniHargis · 19/06/2021 18:23

It sounds like you are only using her for a reference though.

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 19/06/2021 18:29

I’d tell you to get fucked also.

cupsofcoffee · 19/06/2021 18:30

It’s ok for people to want to be alone for a bit and need some space.

Of course it is, but that doesn't mean you get to ignore people and then expect them to be there when you need them.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tal45 · 19/06/2021 18:45

Saw your update OP. I would text her now, it was rude not to bother to reply to her asking you round even if it was just to say you are still going through things but really appreciate her getting in touch and hope you are up to being a better friend soon.
I would reply now and say that you're really sorry for being a crap friend, you appreciate her contacting you even though you haven't replied, you're feeling a bit better now and would love to meet up if she's still willing when she can fit you in.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 19:04

"@TatianaBis It’s ok for people to want to be alone for a bit and need some space. Unless you need them to be around you. In which case, I dunno, put a gun to their head and say “don’t ever leave me”.

Eh?

The Op, unrealistically wants to ask for a reference from some one , who left her alone , as OP had wished and ghosted but , had been a good friend. The op pushed that friend away. The OP now needs that friend for a reference.

You are now taking about needy and insecure people, now you are taking about guns to peoples heads? Good grief.

Mangofandangoo · 19/06/2021 19:11

Leave the poor girl alone. Being ghosted is awful, how dare you think you can just use her for your own benefit. How unbelievably cruel.

TatianaBis · 19/06/2021 19:13

It’s very needy to not be able to cope with a friend not getting in contact for 4 months. It’s not that big a deal.

eatsleepread · 19/06/2021 19:14

Oh my God, is it really possible that you are lacking self-awareness to this extent?!

Congratulations on the job and I'm really happy that things are looking up for you.
But you absolutely cannot do this. You don't get to pick people up and drop them on a whim, then get back in touch when you need something. 100% not.

ImprobablePuffin · 19/06/2021 19:16

@TatianaBis

It’s very needy to not be able to cope with a friend not getting in contact for 4 months. It’s not that big a deal.
I think you've missed the point somewhat.
TatianaBis · 19/06/2021 19:18

It’s not me who’s missed the point…

Hertsgirl10 · 19/06/2021 19:25

You are only using her though... the fact that you don’t have many options for a character reference speaks volumes.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 19:30

As you were @TatianaBis. Time for Bedfordshire sweetheart.
.

TatianaBis · 19/06/2021 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LadyMargaretBeauforte · 19/06/2021 19:57

@TatianaBis yes, it is. I have dignity and will not enter into a spat with you ( a random on the Internet).

This is OP's thread. Put yr guns away @TatianaBis and grow up.

CoopsMalloops · 19/06/2021 20:13

Hi OP,
Reconnect with your friend, I’m sure she will understand if she knows you well enough.
Some of the posts on here are disgusting.

DipSwimSwoosh · 19/06/2021 20:19

YAB Selfish

omgthepain · 19/06/2021 20:25

I wouldn't

Rude and cheeky spring to mind

How do you know she will say yes then write a shocking reference telling your potential future employer how awful you are

I'd find someone else

BiBabbles · 19/06/2021 20:32

I would, but I can see why others wouldn't.

You said you were 'going through alot, and just needed a break and would be back in touch'. She gave the invites knowing that so to me, that's just keeping a line open.

Yes, it would be have been better if you'd responded at the times and it does look a bit iffy to come back starting with the reference.

Are you on each other's facebook or other social media? Could you post your situation -- that you're coming out of a rough time, and have got a job offer that you need character references for and ask if anyone can help and see what happens? I've gotten references that way.

secretintrovert · 19/06/2021 20:36

A "friend" did this to me recently. Hasn't spoken to me for ages avoided all meet ups etc but then needed me to sign something for her to get a mortgage. I though she was a massive CF said no and haven't heard from her since! Can't stand users