AIBU to contact friend after ghosting her?

[friendinneed2]

I got a job, and they've asked for 2 character references minimum. I have a really good friend who I haven't spoken to for a while because I was dealing with a lot in my personal life. Problems with ex, my mental health and self worth/esteem. I spoke to her regularly, and we spent a lot of time together. In February I said to her I was going through alot, and I just needed a break and would be back in touch. She has texted me a few times asking me to come round to her house but I haven't replied yet. I feel better now that I got a job, and getting my life together. And I always planned to get back in touch with her.

The thing is I need a reference for my job, and without this they won't let me work.

So AIBU to ask my friend for reference and explain the situation and apologise for taking so long? Or does it look bad?

Would you reply if you was the friend? Of course I'll still speak to her and arrange a Meetup soon but I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

You've not been fair on your friend op so just be prepared for her to refuse your request.

Can you get a character reference from someone else?

If you get back in touch with your friend, it will need to be because you value her as a friend not because you want a favour from her.

I just don't want her to think I'm only using her for the reference.

That's exactly what you are doing and your friend will know that, what are you going to say I know I've ignored you but let's meet up now and by the way I need you to give me a reference for this job otherwise I won't get it?

It doesn't just look bad OP, it is bad.

In your friend's shoes I'd tell you to piss off.

Is this a reverse? How pathetic is this?!

Thanks. I'm really glad I came on here before embarrassing myself. I'm not going to ask for a reference, I'm just going to get back in touch with her like I planned, apologise and explain my situation.

I know it doesn't look good to just disappear like this, but I just like to deal with things alone. She's a really good friend and I just hope she accepts my apology.

Can’t even grasp the words to say how unreasonable you’d be to ask her for a reference.

Yep, I'd be unimpressed to say the least!

Id ghost you tbh

This has to be a reverse

If you want the friendship, you'll have to ask someone else. If you ask, she might or might not do it but the friendship will probably be over.

Similar happened to me a while back: a friend who is notorious for not getting in contact with any of her old friends managed to find my number when she wanted something. I put up with her behaviour before she asked me the favour because I like her and know what she's like. I haven't bothered myself with her since.

I hope she does too.
Good luck.

Honestly I would help out a friend in that situation.

You have not wronged your friend, you were going through a rough time.

People do.

If she tells you piss off, well she certainly wasn't a friend.

Explain to her what has been going on.
Any real friend would be pleased that things are improving for you.

I certainly would be.

Good luck.

I would do it, no problem. Just say what you’ve said here and see what she says. I’d always be prepared to help someone up on their feet again.

Would you be contacting her right now if you didn't need a reference?

Ghosting is lame a be disgusting. You had the energy and ability to look for, apply and interview for jobs so don't make out like you couldn't reply to one message from your "friend". Now you need them your attitude has of course changed. Well that's lame. And if it were me I'd send a hearty fuck off to you.

Well I’m not sure you’ve ghosted her - you told her you wouldn’t be in touch for a while. Unfortunately the first thing you’re doing on getting back in touch is to ask for something, which doesn’t look great.

Is there no one else at all? A teacher or neighbour or ex-colleague? She doesn't sound like the right person for this and I wouldn't get into it off the back of that situation. Rekindle things with her because you want to, not because you want a favour.

It doesn't just look as if you are using her for the reference, you are just using her for the reference.
If you are ready to get back in touch with her, do that, but separately from any reference requests.
I am very forgiving of friends' treatment of me but I would struggle to write a good reference for you in these circumstances anyway, if it asked for how you got on with other people, how reliable you were etc.

YABVU

You sound like you use her when it's convenient for you. I would be glad you dumped me and wouldn't want you back in my life.

TBH after that amount of time, I wouldn't want to hear your excuses or reasons - it's like you dropped her when you're struggling but are only interested in speaking to her when things are easy.

I know you said you needed a "break" but to me that's a week or two, not four months.

I think you need to be prepared for her to want nothing to do with you.

Classic user.

I would be glad to help you out in this situation - a job can be very stabilising for people with mental health conditions.

An explanation would go a long way though too.

Take care and enjoy the new job!

Gosh, the majority of responses on this thread are completely alien to me. I think they are shocking. It was only February, not years ago. The OP has had mental health issues. Of course people don’t communicate much if they have problems. That’s normal. They don’t want to burden their friends or they feel ashamed.

@lemonsyellow

Gosh, the majority of responses on this thread are completely alien to me. I think they are shocking. It was only February, not years ago. The OP has had mental health issues. Of course people don’t communicate much if they have problems. That’s normal. They don’t want to burden their friends or they feel ashamed.

You’re missing the other side, she ghosted her friend, didn’t even respond to her texts. Just totally blanked her. Now wants a ref from her as her opening volley. That’s not nice.