Am I going to be ‘that’ parent?

[Excitablemuch]

Posting here for traffic… I should know the answer to this; I’ve been a teacher fo 13 years but….

My 2 year old has recently started preschool. He has a name that is often shortened to something else - the shortened version is generally not short for the full name but is the child’s actual name…. Think Katherine to Katy. Anyway, I don’t like the shortened version and we have never used it. No one has and I’m not sure he’d recognise it as his name even. When he started preschool I let the member of staff who did the forms know that it was never used.

So, a couple of times already they have referred to him as the shortened version. Once when the manager emailed me (I just made sure I used his full name in my response to remind) and then this morning on the door.

I feel like I should say something now while he’s only been there a couple of weeks to make sure it’s clear for them… I didn’t correct the lady this morning as it was raining and she was rushing… also didn’t want to seem short and make her think I was annoyed!

Can I send an email and mention it without them hating me? (Desperate not to be the type of parent that annoys me!)

I feel like he is too young to correct them himself. I’m not annoyed at all. They have lots of children to look after and I understand it is a natural shortening even though for me it’s an entirely different name…. I will be fighting this battle for years to come I feel :)

As an aside, if he feels like he wants it shortened when he’s older I won’t mind (I’ll be w little sad though!!)

You will find to your child's friends will change their name and there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it.

And that’s fine - part of life. And if a child’s friends do that, it’s implicitly with the child’s consent. But it’s not for a preschool teacher to decide unilaterally that the OP’s son should be called something else.

@HoppingPavlova

Yeah, I did this with one of mine. Worked well when young but when they progressed to upper primary other kids naturally used it and on going to high school everyone did. Game over.

Yep. That’s exactly how it goes.

Parents can police a name until primary school ends, thereafter the child owns the name and it’s up to them.

A lot easier to choose a name that doesn’t need policing, or relax.

Daughter in her mid 20's and has a name that wasn't shortened during primary school as we always referred to her as we had named her - lovely name that really suits.
Secondary school some tried the shortened version for a while but it never stuck - thank goodness, always made me roll my eyes but hey ho.
Choosing a name is such an important part of being a parent and I expect my child to be known by it.
Don't ever apologise - I'm a headteacher btw ;)

I really can't believe how uptight a lot you of people are over this, in the scheme of things it's not that bad, nobody ha lost a life.

The surname upsets DH and his family as they seem to find it dismissive of their heritaige and area - I have to say as an adult I find it rude when people insist on their pronunciation after I've politley corrected it.

I think it's also easier to relax once children are a little older and can read - so you avoid worries about confusion of them thinking Jonathan reads as Jon and you understand they "know" their correct name and can take control of what they want to be refered to more.

Plus it can be annoying dealing with incorrect official records because someone "corrected" it to the wrong thing because nothing was said so the assumption was the record was wrong.

Choosing a name is such an important part of being a parent and I expect my child to be known by it.

And this is precisely where people go wrong. You are literally giving a person a name. Once you have done so it’s up to them what they do with it.

That attitude is all very well if the child agrees, but if they don’t you will have lifetime of annoyance and eye rolling.

Yes, let them know clearly that the name is x not y. The same goes for any mispronounced names as well. Be ready for school though - both my two had their name shortened to the obvious short name by high school staff ( interestingly not primary staff). DS1 uses the short version himself. DS 2 hates the shortened version and hates one of the teachers who uses it, but not the other one… do basically I think he just doesn’t like the teacher so I’m not going to say anything.

My names was shortened at school (and work). My family always called me by the full version because that's what my parents like/d. Never bothered them much about what I was called at school, I don't think. Not like my mum was at school with me!

Go ahead and tell them. But when he gets to secondary school, or even upper primary and his mates start to shorten it then I'd leave it. My mum went to her grave muttering 'It's DavID! not Dave!! I have a Daniel. I'm not a fan of Dan or Danny but he gets it sometimes. He's a teenager and can decide for himself though.

Can you ask your CM to say something. She/he could just say mum was really clear with me they don’t want his name shortened have they told you it’s something else as Richard told me he is sometimes referred to as Rich in nursery, I think you should double check with her.
That way it’s one professional to another as an ex childminder I would have said that at drop off for a client.

However, welcome to the world of being ‘that parent’ we are our child’s only advocate and although I don’t like being thought badly of if something affects my child I’ll speak up rather than have them muddle along unhappily for a small issue.

@ittakes2

As a teacher you would know the education system uses the legal name. Our daughter was named after her grandfather but we always had intended to use her shortened name. She came home from school in reception and told me her teacher had called her a different name and said that is her name - I realised I had never told her her legal name as I like you thought if they school asks for the name they are called they would honour this! Explain to him he has two names there is no getting away from it - trust me my daughter has been to infant school, reception and two high schools and each time I have tried to get people to use the name we use for her every single time and at some point there is always a teacher referring to her legal name.

He doesn’t have two names! He has one- the one I gave him :)

I’m also not fighting any battle… children with the shortened version have that as stand alone in my experience and don’t have the longer version on their birth certificate. I’ve met a lot the shortened version is VERY popular!!!

Although he is only 2 I actually think he might correct them! I called him King (name) .. the other day and he corrected me and said I am just (name)!! He’s been around others with the shortened name and doesn’t react when their name is said. I don’t think he knows it’s connected as yet!!

Oh dear. I think if the diminutive is common, they are just used to saying that name eg. Alfie and have perhaps assumed you use it. I would just correct them nicely and get them lovely end of term presents so they know you're a nice, grateful parent!

My mother deliberately chose a name for me that couldn't be shortened. I spent my life wanting to be a Liz or a Jenny. I made sure my kids had ordinary names that could be shortened and didn't care what they were called or called themselves.

You will find to your child's friends will change their name and there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it

Or, just as likely, you won't. None of mine had their names shortened by friends, one chose to shorten it themselves. It's by no means inevitable.

@Bettyboopawoop

I really can't believe how uptight a lot you of people are over this, in the scheme of things it's not that bad, nobody ha lost a life. You will find to your child's friends will change their name and there will be absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Uptight really? What because I want to actually be called by my name you know the name that’s on my birth certificate the name my parents decided to call me and never themselves shortened it.

I personally find it very rude when people are dismissive like you have been. Shows very little respect for others in my opinion.

I really can't believe how uptight a lot you of people are over this, in the scheme of things it's not that bad, nobody ha lost a life.

Nobody died so just suck it up? What a moronic and unhelpful attitude.

I think it’s rude and disrespectful To the child.

My DC has a name that is commonly shortened but at 14, he still wants to be called by his Actual name And not the shortened version. When he was little he would always correct people. But if he Did prefer to be known By the shortened version I would be accepting of that because it would be his choice - not some random adults!

Over the years, I have had to speak to many adults and sent emails requesting that his actual name was to be used.

I had this with DD at the same age. I'd noticed that her name had been shortened to something we never use for the label on her box, but not the label on her peg- so I assumed they just couldn't fit it on the box label (it's a fairly long name.)

Then she said one day 'at nursery my name isn't X it's Y' and I realised they'd obviously been using the shortened version when talking to her. I just explained what we had said to me and they apologised- and even made a new label for her box which I thought was lovely.

It wasn't that I minded them using a nickname, we use a different nickname ourselves, it was that it meant she thought she had a different name at nursery! I wondered how often they'd thought she was ignoring them because she didn't recognise the nickname they'd used 😆

*she had said to me

Really shocked at any daycare or preschool not using the name on form/ name of child. They should be ashamed. Very unprofessional!! I say this as a teacher!

Be that parent and don't be ashamed about it
I have 3 children with names that has obvious shortening and not 1 of them are known by the shortening as they don't like the short and all 3 say they are pleased i was persistent with teachers. (All adults now)

Up to you but you're in for a world of pain when your child goes to school. The other children will shorten his name and worse.

My Mum gave me a long name that can be shortened about 6 different ways. Think Katherine - Kathy, Katy, Kath, Kitty etc.

You’re onto a loosing battle, I don’t think anyone other than my Mum in the last 49 years has ever called me by my full name and trust me she was ‘that’ mother and would berate anyone she heard calling me the wrong name. The upshot is I pretty much answer to anything!

I'm a teacher and I'm also THAT parent at my dc school. I dont care. I would definitely say now.

@mindutopia

I have a friend who has a non-British name (her family is originally from not the UK). Her teachers struggled to pronounce her name (it's really easy, btw, you just need to put the emphasis on one syllable and not the other, it's nothing complicated at all). So she just started to be called by the wrong name.

I met her in uni and she introduced herself as this incorrect pronunciation as she had just gotten so used to it and given up trying to get people to pronounce her name correctly after all those years. Only her family calls her the correct name now. It wasn't until we worked together in the country where her family is from that she ever explained to me that the name she'd introduced herself as isn't actually her name (because she wanted to explain why everyone there called her something different). She assumed, after 20 years of teachers, etc. calling her the wrong thing, that I wouldn't be able to pronounce it correctly either!

This is like my cousin with her last name. It's french, but when she moved to America as a child everyone just pronounced it as they read it (part of the name is an actual word in English which I'm sure didn't help, think 'table' but with totally different pronunciations in English and French). Now she pronounces her name that way and I just don't get it 😂

Everyone uses the shortened version of my name - and I sodding hate it. In nearly 53 years, I've lost count of the number of times I've asked people not to do it...everyone still does.

I've given up.