Am I going to be ‘that’ parent?

[Excitablemuch]

Posting here for traffic… I should know the answer to this; I’ve been a teacher fo 13 years but….

My 2 year old has recently started preschool. He has a name that is often shortened to something else - the shortened version is generally not short for the full name but is the child’s actual name…. Think Katherine to Katy. Anyway, I don’t like the shortened version and we have never used it. No one has and I’m not sure he’d recognise it as his name even. When he started preschool I let the member of staff who did the forms know that it was never used.

So, a couple of times already they have referred to him as the shortened version. Once when the manager emailed me (I just made sure I used his full name in my response to remind) and then this morning on the door.

I feel like I should say something now while he’s only been there a couple of weeks to make sure it’s clear for them… I didn’t correct the lady this morning as it was raining and she was rushing… also didn’t want to seem short and make her think I was annoyed!

Can I send an email and mention it without them hating me? (Desperate not to be the type of parent that annoys me!)

I feel like he is too young to correct them himself. I’m not annoyed at all. They have lots of children to look after and I understand it is a natural shortening even though for me it’s an entirely different name…. I will be fighting this battle for years to come I feel :)

As an aside, if he feels like he wants it shortened when he’s older I won’t mind (I’ll be w little sad though!!)

I think I'd just keep calling him by his actual name and hope they get the message.

However, it might well come that he ends up being called the shortened name by everyone except you.

My son has a name which has an obvious shorter version - eg WIlliam and Will. We always called him "William" but gradually over the years he was called Will and in fact by the time he left primary school the only person who called him William was his childminder and us. But since then we call him by the shortened name too because he prefers it.

Of course, if a child wants the longer name or a different variation then they say so and people should accept that.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

in fact a friend is baptised as Ben. not Benjamin, Ben. it's on his birth certificate.

yet people keep trying to twatsplain his own name to him and he has to correct them that his name is not Benjamin!
(we also know a Sam who is not Samuel)

so it goes both ways.

My son is Ben and I've had him called Benjamin so many times and even Benedict

I deliberately gave him a name that couldn't be shortened as all my life mine has been. Even now I battle with work related people calling me the shortened version despite me always signing myself off as my full name.

My parents gave me a long name, picked a standard shortening, nursery teachers friends etc all used that. Until I was 5. When I realised hated all shortenings of the name, a view that had lasted the rest of my life and which I have policed for myself. Ultimately, its up to him.

I think you are completely in the right. My friend has a Theodore, not a Theo/Teddy/Ted ever...just Theodore.

She got around being labelled as "that parent" by saying at nursery;

"Please could you call Theodore by his full name, not Theo or Ted? He's been a bit confused since starting nursery as he's only two and we know some children called Theo and he thinks the staff are mixing him up with them! We all prefer Theodore, he's never Theo at home and wouldn't respond to it if he was in danger or wandered away. For consistency I think we all need to stick to Theodore."

I have a long name that can be shortened, as I child either I didn't answer or say "that's not my name" - I still do that now.

On the other hand DH has a long name that has various shortenings, he goes by one of the shortenings although he does answer to all on them.

I think you’re right to say something. I hope they listen to you.

I think it resonates with me because my colleagues have shortened my name for years and any subtle or not so subtle requests to use my full name have been ignored. It is annoying. Good luck!

@Gullible2021

bravo to your friend.
tell them I said so🤣🤣

there's no excuse for calling a child anything other than their name.

Sorry but if you didn't like shortened version perhaps shouldn't of used it as even if you get preschool to use full name it will happen again at primary, high school, clubs, friends etc so perhaps easier to get used to it. My ds has short version outside of family and long version in family there are bigger things in life to get upset about. I was given the advice when ds was born to pick your battles wisely or you will spend your life in a constant battle.

They are renaming him. His name is X he gets called X.

I volunteer in a school and there are several children who will correct classmates if they shorten their name, ie Charlotte and Thomas. Both of them are called by the name their parents chose and have remained that way. So no it is not a losing battle ever. Call people the name they have been given when they are very young and then whatever they want when they are older. That includes double-barrelled first names too.

Contact the nursery by email so it is in writing.

Reminds me of a parent at playgroup. Her son was Maximillian. Not Max, definitely not Max. MAXIMILLIAN.

She was a right pain in the neck about it, dropping his name into conversation as much as she could, nobody was in any doubt. Oh look, Maximillian is playing with the lego! Will Maximillian be going in the garden today? When you come home Maximillian we'll get lunch, what would you like for lunch Maximillian?

Anyway, my DS and Maximillian went to different primary schools but are now back in the same class for secondary school. DS reports that this child is most definitely Max, the teachers read out the register and he corrects them every time and says his name is definitely not Maximillian and to call him Max.

Can not believe some people on here are saying you are being unreasonable! This is a child who is not at a age to decide for himself if he wants the shortened version so until then the parents get the choice not a nursery worker or teacher.

I mean, yeah, send this if you want to make absolutely sure that you are indeed that parent.

My thoughts exactly!

I think it’s fine to drop them a note but just be friendly about it.

Hi there

I’m really pleased James is settling into to preschool so well!

Just one thing, and sorry to be picky, but I’ve noticed some staff calling him Jamie - we only call him James, could we ask you do the same?

Many thanks!

Nicknames, whether you like this one or not, are part of life and are actually very friendly

It's not friendly to call someone the wrong name! Especially if they've asked you not to.

We only had it with late MIL, to use the Elizabeth example we always called her Elizabeth or Beth, MIL insisted on Lizzie as she had a great aunt or something called Lizzie and couldn't remember.

Well she wanted to be called grandma, hated all other variations particularly granny so we started calling her granny. She seethed and eventually blew up and demanded we stop. We looked at her all innocent and said we just couldn't remember. She never did it again and neither did we.

Not sure it would work with a nursery but I suppose it depends on her keyworkers name. I do sympathise as it is annoying. My DD is now all grown up and uses a different shortening entirely but that's fine, her choice not someone elses.

Ever since my son has been at school (he’s 15 now) he’s always been referred to as the shortened version by his teachers and in emails etc. It doesn’t bother me at all and nor did it bother my son but if it bothers you a friendly email should be ok, I’m sure they don’t intend to cause offence by using the shortened version.

@PandasCatsWolves

Surrey it's a case of please call him Richard rather than Dick as we don't use that shortening etc.

If someone chooses to call their child Richard they have to expect Dick etc and worse, especially as he gets older. When choosing names we considered shortened versions but even then we got one version we would never have expected from another child who couldn't pronounce her name. When I shortened my name after going to Uni my father would tell people who called me they had the wrong number, not to be awkward but he just didn't recognise it!

how is it friendly to call people by a wrong name?

it might be lazy, ignorant, passive aggressive, sexist, racist, judgemental etc.
but friendly it ain't

Same for DH, it's so rude! He has a short name like Ben, and when we went to give notice to get married the lady at the register office called us though as Malacath and Benjamin, and then got the hump when we corrected her

Erm, I was quoting a pp there and it's just left the quote out so now I look like a tit, sorry!

Just tell them quite clearly what his name is. That doesn't make you that parent at all! When he's old enough he chooses, but he is not able to do that so you need to tell them what his name is. I don't think you are fighting a losing battle btw.

I do always think it’s a bit daft though to choose a name when you’re not happy with common variations and contractions.

Please do correct them. They should be calling the child the "known as" name preferred by you, whether that's his full name or a diminutive chosen by you.

So, so irritating when people think they know better! I'm an Elizabeth and I hate being called "Liz". I do correct people when they do it. I am known by a shortened version but not that one!

My former boss was Jenny. She regularly had people calling her Jennifer because they thought it was better. She always challenged it and on one occasion was told Jenny was a "silly, unprofessional name". How bloody rude! It was her name!

And agree to saying it on the door, no need for email. I would have just said it anyway

Thanks everyone. First time I’ve ever been called precious for sure…. Mostly people think I’m too laid back

I’ve sent a polite email thanking them for settling in and just saying please only refer to him as full name. I don’t think it’s unreasonable. It is his name. The only name he’s ever been called and everyone calls him it (including the childminder). The shortened version is a different name. I have taught children of both versions and have always managed to differentiate so I don’t think it’s impossible.

My brother has always used his full name. Think Daniel not Dan- he has corrected people enough that no one bothers to shorten it now.

If he wants to shorten his when he’s older fine…. I will still use his proper name :)

My name has many shortened versions that my mother hated - she spent years telling various schools and afterschool clubs "it's Elisabeth ... not Lizzy or Beth" without it being an issue for anyone. Although in my case my real name had a specific cultural route so maybe that made it easier to correct. Now as an adult I self police it - becuase after almost 30 years ... my name is Elisabeth and not Lizzy. (Obviously totally not my real name - but my point stands.)

I have a name that is spelt slightly differently (although still relatively common) - think Elisabeth instead of Elizabeth ... I had teachers in school try to teach me the wrong way, I have had a colleague write my name on the whiteboard as I spelt it out to them for them to turn around and say "are you sure? That looks wrong."