I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

Sorry just wanted to add - I stopped taking drugs fifteen years ago so this isn't a new development.

YABVU for even condoning an illegal, massively harmful behaviour.

They will not respect your wishes, because they are not your friends, merely a group of people in a circle of behaviour that supports their habit.

Yanbu but even if they tell you they won't, they will

They wouldn’t be getting invited & I couldn’t be friends with people like this.
Sorry.

Your friend should be reported to the police straightaway and the invitation to the wedding revoked. Or you are condoning the drug supply chain much more of which is known about than even ten years ago.

I hope you would never wish to condone the stabbing of young men which happens as the result of the drugs trade.

I sympathise with the situation having similar issues myself. However I really don't think there is much you can do/say to change their behaviour.

Your only option really is to uninvite them.

It’s unreasonable to think you can stop people taking Coke if that’s how they party and you know they do this. I’m not saying it’s right but I think YABU to think it’s possible.

I think your options are ruin the friendships or turn a blind eye. I’m all honesty you’ll be too busy with other people.

Do you really want a group of coked-up idiots at your wedding? Of course it's your business how your guests behave, they're a small number of the overall group and the fact they're off their faces will be obvious to others. You risk being totally shown up or worse.
If you know your husband to be would be disgusted by people taking drugs why have you even invited them?

I'd uninvite them. They can't be very good friends if they can't respect your wishes for just one night.

They sound dickheads, frankly. I wouldn't want anyone taking coke at my wedding - and if at their age they don't know/are incapable of behaving at an occasion like this then they are crassly immature. I'm assuming you are all mid-late 30s at least, if you gave up drugs 15 years ago.

I don't know anyone who takes cocaine. It's not a 'cool' thing in the social circles I mix in - although I'm much older. If I walked in on people at a wedding taking lines of cocaine (in a side room, for example) I would phone the police. It's disgusting behaviour.

Agree with others saying that the other guests will notice 'coked up' idiots. People aren't stupid.

Just don't invite them. They sound like horrible selfish areseholes with no class or integrity. You want to remember your wedding day for all the right reasons.

Urgh, that's so annoying. It's just ONE occasion, don't stress the bride out as she's already got enough on her plate! I'd have hoped for a better and more understanding response from your friends.

YANBU - you're paying and they are going voluntarily, you're not forcing them to attend.
Fundamentally the question is, do they love and respect you MORE than they love breaking the law and taking drugs?

You know the answer.

@Lagomtransplant

YABVU for even condoning an illegal, massively harmful behaviour.

They will not respect your wishes, because they are not your friends, merely a group of people in a circle of behaviour that supports their habit.

Well said. I would argue if such people are your friends, you don't exactly have much to complain about.

Also,
The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring.

Not it's not "boring" as if its a casual harmless thing. It's dangerous, illegal and adds to the so-called knife and gang crime they probably sneer at.

You need to uninvite them.

They'll do it anyway. Nothing you can do apart from uninviting them.

Do you want to remain friends with these people in the long run?

You’ve outgrown them haven’t you? It’s normal to do that with some friends and move on.

I’d uninvite them.

Or just let them get on with it and ignore them. But in the long run I’d be aiming to distance myself from these people.

Oh god I used to work at a lot of weddings and I couldn’t believe the amount of people who did coke, including the bridal party at times. It’s such a shit vibe.

You either invite them and know what they're like or you don't invite them.

IMO.

You could say please leave it off until the evening starts. That would be ok I think.

Don't invite them/uninvite them. Because even if you say 'no drugs', they are going to do them.

You've got 60 other people you can trust not to get off their tits. Use the invites to make 10 other people your DP likes happy - or just put the money towards something nicer for 90 people.

* They wouldn’t be getting invited & I couldn’t be friends with people like this.*

^This. They won’t stop, so either you accept they will be doing drugs at your wedding or you don’t invite them. It is all upto you.

@Chikapu

Do you really want a group of coked-up idiots at your wedding? Of course it's your business how your guests behave, they're a small number of the overall group and the fact they're off their faces will be obvious to others. You risk being totally shown up or worse. If you know your husband to be would be disgusted by people taking drugs why have you even invited them?

No I absolutely do not. It was a stressful conversation with my friend. I was totally shocked at her remark / assumption they would be welcome (and even worse that I would organise and pay for a private room) to take drugs. She then seemed aghast at my expectations.

It dawned on me that they wouldn't realise there was a problem and would go ahead organising a bag of coke or whatever. I am starting to feel anxious and wonder should I tackle this topic now or if there is even any point.

Uninvite them. Only reasonable thing to do. If they are there they are only going to piss you off when they keep disappearing to do lines.

I don’t even understand why you want them there in the first place! But then drugs are a dealbreaker for me, they’d be uninvited and the friendships over but I appreciate you might think differently.