Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want drugs at my wedding

469 replies

Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 19:48

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/06/2021 20:26

“Dear friends,

I want my wedding to be a drug-free occasion. If you are willing to respect this, I would love to see you there. But if you want to take drugs, please do not attend, as I would hate to have to ask anyone to leave.

Love,
@Bridezillamaybe.”

If you send this, it will weed out the people who are real friends from those who would just see your wedding as another opportunity to get wasted.

Ohhyeahright · 13/06/2021 20:27

They will definitely do coke regardless of what you say, as they clearly want to.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/06/2021 20:27

YABU for having them at your wedding.

Blueemeraldagain · 13/06/2021 20:28

I’ll be honest here. I have several very old friends (20+ years, since secondary school) who do take coke from time to time. They would never, ever consider doing so at someone’s wedding, especially if asked not to (how embarrassing to have to be asked not to take coke at someone’s wedding!)

I don’t know your friends, OP but I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water. You’ve spoken to one person, others may feel differently. The tough part is it will be up to you to decide if you trust them even if they say they won’t.

Also, please tell me the PP who said they would call the police to someone’s wedding if they found some guests taking coke!

Ireallydontknowimtired · 13/06/2021 20:29

OP, I wasn't offended - I just took you saying "boring" as you minimising the habit and effect, which shouldn't be. I appreciate your recent post and thought about what's been said. Glad you've left the habit yourself.

Teach234 · 13/06/2021 20:29

They don't sound like they value your friendship at all OP

Looubylou · 13/06/2021 20:29

The groom would be disgusted, it's the most important day of his life. Surely you care more about him than these 10 tossers. Assuming they will all have the same atrocious lack of regard for your feelings, as the lady you describe. The other 60 guests will also be disgusted. Is that what you want for your wedding day? Does the groom know this might happen? I wouldn't marry you if you insisted on inviting these people. What will your parents think? They would be embarrassed I'm sure. You have matured but your friends have not. Move on, for your future husband's sake.

AnyOldPrion · 13/06/2021 20:29

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour.

It comes down to a choice. Your friend has made it clear that she and her crowd will not respect your wishes and intend to indulge in behaviour that your partner will hate. Potentially, if you allow them to come, they will ruin your day and his.

My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling

There it is. She has made it clear she only wants to continue the friendship if it’s on her terms.

Partner or friends. It’s your choice. I know which I’d choose.

InnaBun · 13/06/2021 20:29

Uninvite them. YABU to expect them to change.

InnaBun · 13/06/2021 20:30

Or tip off the police and they can raid it

EverythingRuined · 13/06/2021 20:30

Have you got kids coming? You could send them a friendly message telling them that you have heard they were thinking of doing drugs and ask them not too. Say you have kids there and it’s not the vibe you are going for. Make it really clear.

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 20:30

I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

Tell her you found the perfect Spot... her own front room, because she's not invited.

cabingirl · 13/06/2021 20:31

Just let them know that several of your future in-laws who will be at the wedding are quite high up in the police force and there's no chance they will be able to sneak off 'to do lines' without the risk of getting into trouble because 'they' will be duty bound to report it.

ejhhhhh · 13/06/2021 20:32

Sorry OP, I think you've got only two options, accept they'll do drugs, or don't invite them. Even if they promised not to, they likely still would. That may well affect your friendship, but it might be the wake-up call some of them need. If any of them do quit, maybe they'll make their way back to you.

titchy · 13/06/2021 20:32

Honestly I'd send them a group WhatsApp and tell them your wedding is to be a drug free zone (maybe make up some bullshit about the venue also hosting a sniffer dog convention Grin) and that while you would like them to be there, under no circumstances whatsoever are they to bring or consume any illegal drugs. You understand if they feel this would spoil their enjoyment and you won't be offended if they therefore decline the invitation.

InpatientGardener · 13/06/2021 20:33

Also, given they don't do drugs regularly they likely see your wedding as an opportunity to go on a bender rather than it being about you and DP getting married. Are they coming to support you and celebrate with you on your big day, or is it just an excuse to sit in a hotel room hoovering up coke and chatting shit to each other.

CartTriesToDriveTheHorse · 13/06/2021 20:35

I would just say to each of them that you hugely value their friendship and want them to be part of your wedding day. However you don't want any drugs at the wedding and if they take them on the day/evening you will know. So you would love them to come but respect your boundaries but if they can't do that you would rather know now than on your wedding day.

I have some pretty wild friends and I know they would understand and respect that x

Justkeepleft · 13/06/2021 20:37

I think the last times have been a shock to you because you were not involved in that side of planning.
If you are not splitting the bill or supplying the drugs you wouldn't know what they had planned. It doesn't come from nowhere and takes planning and forethought. Just like your friend already thinking about where she do coke at the wedding.
If you can ignore it no problem but it sounds like ut is already making you anxious.
it is ok to grow apart as you all move into different life stages with priorities.

godmum56 · 13/06/2021 20:37

@ejhhhhh

Sorry OP, I think you've got only two options, accept they'll do drugs, or don't invite them. Even if they promised not to, they likely still would. That may well affect your friendship, but it might be the wake-up call some of them need. If any of them do quit, maybe they'll make their way back to you.
yup this absolutely. How will you feel when they get off their faces at YOUR WEDDING when they are your invited guests and other guests/family notice? also...does your stb spouse know and what do they think about it?
theliverpoolone · 13/06/2021 20:37

Cant you tell them the venue owners have made it clear in their t&c's that they have a zero tolerance policy to drugs and the event would be closed down if any one was caught - and that's not a chance you're prepared to take for your own wedding? I'd tell your dp too, so he can back you up.

Mustreadabook · 13/06/2021 20:38

Tell them that half your DH’s guests are CID officers.

Faranth · 13/06/2021 20:40

Can you imagine if your new MIL walks into the loos to find your best mates snorting coke?! Or if the venue catches them and throws them out or calls the police?

All your new DHs extended family watching his new wife's mates getting nicked?!

Mortifying. And you know they'll think you're like that too, by association. You'll never live it down.

And that's without how your poor DH will feel having if his wedding is ruined. How would you feel if he insisted on inviting some mates that always get a bit lairy when they're drunk, asked them not to get hammered, they told him to get stuffed and ended up throwing up on the dance floor and knocking the cake over? You'd rightly be furious and blame him for not uninviting them once they made it clear they would be being actively antisocial, and didn't care what he wanted.

They're not your mates OP, mates don't do that Flowers

Janaih · 13/06/2021 20:41

As pps have said, your only real option is to not invite them. This will mean falling out with them, such is life. Would it be a real loss though? In time they can just be downgraded to acquaintances if you wanted to see them occasionally.
I've also got long term friends who take still drugs so I do sympathise. I make a swift exit as soon as they get glassy eyed and start talking shite.

TolkiensFallow · 13/06/2021 20:42

It’s not just your wedding, it’s your husbands. You need to deal with it.

I’d say “look this is a family event and I’d rather you didn’t come if you will be taking drugs” but to be honest the fact they’ve mentioned “being out of pocket” to come actually shows their true colours.

My own experience... I used to take some party drugs years ago...stopped...generally find that people who still take them are unable to follow requests to abstain. I think if they come they’ll do it anyway.

Personally I would uninvite anyone who can’t be trusted to behave themselves.

delightfuldaisy19 · 13/06/2021 20:43

I wouldn't get too het up about it. Is it really any worse than people getting really pissed and causing a scene?

Tell them it's a drug free wedding and hopefully they will respect your wishes or at least be so discreet that nobody will know.

Then just enjoy your day. It's not worth losing friends over - focus on yourself and your own enjoyment of the day.