I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

[Aquamarine1029]

These "friends" are lowlifes. Why you associate with them is beyond me.

[Parker231]

They would have never made my guest list - if they come to your wedding they have form for using drugs so why wouldn’t they at your wedding.
It’s not just your wedding and they can’t be trusted - don’t invite them.

[tornadosequins]

I don't think they're your friends tbh. But I also get that it's very hard to let go of historic friendships when you outgrow them.

Their priority is drugs and they resent your stance. You despise drugs. You're not really compatible in any way without some serious cognitive dissonance.

It's not "controlling" to expect people to not break the law at your wedding or to refuse to facilitate their law-breaking. It is tedious when people behave like dickheads then start shouting "controlling!" at anybody who holds them to account.

What does your venue contract state about illegal drugs? I know there are places that would immediately end the event and have everybody removed from the premises if this kind of activity was discovered.

On a personal level, I would actually be quite upset just as a guest to find myself at a wedding where this was happening especially if the bridal party were facilitating/condoning it, and it would make me reconsider my relationship with them and who I thought they were. It's not just a matter of embarrassment, it could damage your relationships with other people in your life. How they are behaving and what these "friends" are supporting and funding is abhorrent.

[ghislaine]

When you say they are in the guest list, have you already sent out invitations? Or just an STD? Or have these friends just assumed they are invited because you are always invited to each others’ weddings?

If a formal invitation has gone out that’s the trickiest to deal with but you could always uninvite them closer to the date and blame it on Covid. Ditto the STD. If they’ve just assumed, then no need to invite them and say it was a family only affair (assuming they are a distinct group and so won’t know any of the other guests).

From what you’ve said, I think it’s the drugs that’ll be their priority at your wedding, not you.

[murbblurb]

druggies are scum. For the 'victimless crime' fuckers; buyers of illegal drugs directly pay for county lines, knife crime, cuckooing and gang violence. Presumably it doesn't matter because it is only the poor black kids, eh? You're bothered enough when some posh white kid ODs at a festival...

OP - simple. Scum free wedding, do not invite these filth.

[MuseumMusing]

I work in a wedding venue. If we caught anyone doing drugs in the venue, the wedding party would be asked to leave. Everyone, no exceptions. We have a zero tolerance policy towards drugs of any kind. I’m sure it’s the same at many venues. It doesn’t sound like your friends are worth the risk of ruining yours and DH’s day.

[murbblurb]

and make it quite clear why they are not invited - they are scum that pay for crime.

[Standrewsschool]

Maybe send a memo to everyone saying that the taking of drugs is strictly prohibited and will be not be tolerated, and anyone doing drugs will be asked to leave. Emphasise is a venue/hotel policy .

[Crowsaregreat]

I'd tell them another guest is a senior police officer known for never being off duty.

[me4real]

@Bridezillamaybe Well done for getting out of that lifestyle. You're not being a bridezilla at all.

I gave up drugs in my mid 20s, because they landed me in hospital with bipolar the first time. They're detrimental to everyone's mental health, or risk being- that's what doctors said to me.

My experience is druggies gonna drug. They love it. I no longer have anything to do with the friends I had then. They're scabby and as people get older it's even more sad. We're on completely opposite pages. In our 40s now and some look and seem ridiculous, like clowns.

[MsTSwift]

What will your parents and in laws think? Mine would be absolutely horrified. I get chills thinking about this scenario - my dad can be quite hot headed and is very anti drugs.

[user1487194234]

Phone the police if you see people doing coke
Really?
OP if your DH to be would truly be disgusted then I don’t see how you can invite them

[RickJames]

This is really sad, I'm sorry OP. I remember going to weddings 15 - 20 years ago with plenty of 'ravers' but wedding parties seemed to be off limits for E and coke. There might be a joint going round outside, I remember one where a nana and the groom's dad had a little puff. I really can't remember any drugs being consumed and that was fine. It's about respect. Why can't they just have a few drinks and enjoy themselves? It's a wedding.

[prettypinkflamingo]

@theliverpoolone

Cant you tell them the venue owners have made it clear in their t&c's that they have a zero tolerance policy to drugs and the event would be closed down if any one was caught - and that's not a chance you're prepared to take for your own wedding? I'd tell your dp too, so he can back you up.

This is the perfect way to approach it...and tbh is probably true!

[grapewine]

@MuseumMusing

I work in a wedding venue. If we caught anyone doing drugs in the venue, the wedding party would be asked to leave. Everyone, no exceptions. We have a zero tolerance policy towards drugs of any kind. I’m sure it’s the same at many venues. It doesn’t sound like your friends are worth the risk of ruining yours and DH’s day.

This is what it comes down to, isn't it? You're taking a huge risk having them there, OP.

[NameyNameyNameChangey]

I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines

LOL, your friend expects you to fork out for a private spot for her and her friends to take coke. She must be mad.

Pretty sad that fully grown adults can't have a night out without drugs!

[joystir59]

I would uninvite that group immediately. They aren't your friends, they are a bunch of self obsessed coke heads.

[mumwon]

Your partner has some police friends coming to your wedding & the proprietor of the venue has been known to check & report because they have police relatives
or
if you want to use drugs stay at home & goodbye

[Prokupatuscrakedatus]

Think about how cocaine is produced and who is forced to produce it under what conditions, and who is getting rich by the trade and then decide, if you want people who can't go one occasion without the drug near you.

[sadperson16]

Bye bye druggies.

[godmum56]

yes the venue policy....they HAVE to have a policy of drugs mean excluding the whole party because hospitality venues rely on the goodwill of the police and courts. Venues who have "problems" don't keep their licences..it might be that your venue's policy is to call the police rather than just evict the wedding party....now that would be a memorable beginning to married life but not in a good way?

[joystir59]

If I were you husband to be I'd feel massively let down if my bride allowed her druggie friends to sabotage the happiest day of my life. Time to grow up, grow a pair and ditch this bunch.

[godmum56]

I must admit, I even found the thread title a bit gobsmacking......

[GertietheGherkin]

I think for your sake you'd be wise to uninvite them. If they've taken drugs at other weddings, they'll take them at yours... Even if you ask them not to.

You say your partner would be disgusted? Does he know of your past drug use? Or does he think you've never taken drugs but are just friendly with people who take drugs?

Every woman wants a wedding day to remember, if yours ends up being about people off their face on drugs yelling, and being loud to each other ( and anyone in their vicinity) people are going to notice. Your future in-laws, work colleagues, your family are all going to be there... The first question they'll ask is why they were invited if any problems arise.

You seem to have little in common now with these people, you say 'the friendships are real' but are they? Real friends wouldn't do something you've asked them not to at your wedding. If they need drugs to attend a wedding, then uninvite them from yours, and keep your day safe and happy.

[shushymcshush]

Uninvite. If they are so obsessed about it, there is no way they will abstain for you, for one night. Their needs are more important than your wedding day.