I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

[Notaroadrunner]

Given the wedding is next year just don't send an invitation to them and stop all wedding talk from now on. I'd also be distancing myself from this group of drug users.

[WhatTheFlap]

I had a very similar concern for my own hen do/wedding.

I asked one of my bridesmaids to speak to some people and make it clear that due to family/children being at the events, there would be absolutely no drugs allowed and if I caught wind of anyone doing it, they’d be out.

As far as I’m aware, there were no drugs at either and no one kicked up a fuss.

Very poor behaviour from your friend and actually quite concerning that they’d even consider it was reasonable to do drugs at an event like that!

[Drunkenmonkey]

So you used to do it and that was ok but now you don't do it, noone else can because it is your wedding?
I think YABU. You can't pick and choose when something is and isn't ok, these people will do it whether you 'allow' it or not. Either don't invite them to the wedding or accept that they will probably do it.

[SpilltheTea]

The only thing you can do is not invite them. They're not going to respect your wishes if they do come. They can't even go a night without drugs, so why bother with them?

[Unsure33]

I agree that as adults they are not free to indulge in illegal activities. If they can not respect your wishes on your wedding day then they are not your friends.

[Dingleydel]

I think YABVU in thinking you can stop them if that’s what they do. I’ve worked at 100s of weddings of wealthy young professionals over the last 6/7 years. Doing coke is as normal (actually probably more prevalent) at weddings as it is getting off your face drunk. I don’t see either as making good guests tbh. But that’s weddings for you. Lots of people go for the good time and to be fair that’s kind of the tradition.One reason I think covid has massively improved weddings, only the really close friends and family make for a much lovelier event IMHO.

[Zippy1510]

I empathise with this op this is a very similar situation to me and my DH (lots of partying in our early university days but grew out of it quickly whilst others seem unwilling to let those days go). We were lucky in that our friends respected our wishes for our wedding. I would have been uncomfortable with them acting like that around our families and they were understanding of that. If they had not been they would have been told they couldn’t attend.

[godmum56]

@GertietheGherkin

I think for your sake you'd be wise to uninvite them. If they've taken drugs at other weddings, they'll take them at yours... Even if you ask them not to.

You say your partner would be disgusted? Does he know of your past drug use? Or does he think you've never taken drugs but are just friendly with people who take drugs?

Every woman wants a wedding day to remember, if yours ends up being about people off their face on drugs yelling, and being loud to each other ( and anyone in their vicinity) people are going to notice. Your future in-laws, work colleagues, your family are all going to be there... The first question they'll ask is why they were invited if any problems arise.

You seem to have little in common now with these people, you say 'the friendships are real' but are they? Real friends wouldn't do something you've asked them not to at your wedding. If they need drugs to attend a wedding, then uninvite them from yours, and keep your day safe and happy.

well no doubt it would be a memorable day

[babbaloushka]

@Mustreadabook

Tell them that half your DH’s guests are CID officers.

I like this one!

[Wineat5isfine]

From a personal experience, un-invite them ASAP.

I was devastated at my wedding, as some friends were doing drugs. We got married in a beautiful countryside Manor House and someone actually had the gall to get a dealer to drop off what they wanted 😡

There was a special bathroom just for me, quite clearly obvious - so I could go to the toilet easily in my big dress / touch up make up / hair etc….and I found it locked so many times, because they were in there doing lines etc. I went batshit crazy at them and asked them to leave if they couldn’t function properly without drugs.

Luckily, no one noticed. But DH and I were VERY pissed off!!

[ZoeCM]

Cokeheads are the scum of the earth. Uninvite them.

[me4real]

@Drunkenmonkey A wedding is a different scenario to a house party or whatever. OP might even have family there.

Even decent people who take drugs ( ) would be capable of not doing it at an unsuitable event.

[Wide]

Haven't read the full thread but I agree with what somebody said above about your wedding being spoken about and remembered for the drugs and as you say your husband will be disgusted if he finds out it will then most probably come back on you and he will resent you for tarnishing your wedding and having his family know that you invited these people who you associate as friends. It's so hard for you and I really cabbot stand the selfishness of some people it's one day!!! I onced mentioned I didn't want my father in law smoking weed or anyone else at my mums party as my family don't like it and who the fuck wants that smell lingering around, safe to say he didn't come because he said I don't dictate to him what he can and can't do.

[Growuppeople]

They will do it no matter what, to be honest people like that will drink to much because they usually have that to sober them up. If you really don’t want it you can’t invite them they will just TRY to hide it. I say TRY because you always know

[Newestname001]

Honestly, @Bridezillamaybe

The whole of your OP plus

Sorry just wanted to add - I stopped taking drugs fifteen years ago so this isn't a new development.

tells me you really should have moved on from this drug snorting crew long ago.

Starting your married life like this, especially as this could spoil not just your day, but your soon to be husband's, is not wise, nor a good indicator of future trust between you both when you already have a clear idea of how he'd feel about this.

I hope you feel you can uninvite these people who seem to care more for what they want than they do about you. 🌹

[MargosKaftan]

In this situation, I think i might go for a little white lie that there's someone in the wider family who has a huge issue with drug usage and if they find out people are using at the wedding, they'll make a scene. So you are asking them nicely to not use at your wedding as even if relative doesn't find out, you'll spend the whole evening on high alert and not relaxed, enjoying your wedding. If they feel its too much to come to the wedding and just drink, you'll completely understand if they decline your invite.

[Lollypop701]

They’re assuming it’s going to be a full on night out. No consideration to the fact you moved past this 15 years ago. The fact they are asking for a room mean they are not even considering being discreet. Im not anti drugs as such, I drink alcohol which is still a drug but if someone I loved asked me not to drink for one night that would be ok with me. If they don’t value you enough, are these people you want to spend time with on such a special occasion?

[junipertree2]

You grew up and they didn't.

I wouldn't want heavy dope smokers at my wedding, never mind cokeheads. A wedding is a family occasion, usually with kids and elderly relatives, and more importantly, meant to be about happiness and love in its purest form. If they cant forego for one evening then they have a social dependency - they can't enjoy themselves without it. The memory of their bad behaviour and the embarrassment they may cause will damage your memories of the wedding OP, is it worth it?

[ScrollingLeaves]

You are not being unreasonable to not want drugs at your wedding.

Could you put a printed slip in the invitation
stating ‘no drugs’.

It is illegal, I just checked.

[Frazzled2207]

@cornflakegirl

Message them all and tell them it's a deal breaker. That you would love them to come, but if they are not happy to leave the drugs at home, please stay away.

I’d do this. But if there’s a chance you’ll be worrying about them doing it anyway in the run-up I’d uninvite.

[sausagepastapot]

YANBU. Drug users are fucking idiots, and I would absolutely not have them in my home/at my wedding/bar mitzvah/anything.

Dickheads. Uninvite all of them.

[godmum56]

@MargosKaftan

In this situation, I think i might go for a little white lie that there's someone in the wider family who has a huge issue with drug usage and if they find out people are using at the wedding, they'll make a scene. So you are asking them nicely to not use at your wedding as even if relative doesn't find out, you'll spend the whole evening on high alert and not relaxed, enjoying your wedding. If they feel its too much to come to the wedding and just drink, you'll completely understand if they decline your invite.

what? put the happiness of your special day in the hands of a bunch of cokeheads?

[Baileyscheesecake]

Uninvite them. It's the only sensible option. If this results in them no longer being your friends then you will have to accept this. It sounds as though you no longer have much in common with them. They don't respect your wishes and are making comments about you being boring so do you really want to stay friends with them. You are embarking on a new life with your husband. Find some new friends who are more compatible with your new life and who won't embarass you in front of your husband.

[Ostara212]

@Burnt0utMum

I'd uninvite them. They can't be very good friends if they can't respect your wishes for just one night.

Yes
I'm not anti drugs at all

But a simple request to keep off them for the night shouldn't be difficult

It will be easier for all of you if they don't attend.

[godmum56]

oh PS are you still going to want them as chums once you have children, assuming you haven't already? I mean do you want them around your kids?