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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want drugs at my wedding

469 replies

Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 19:48

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

OP posts:
MaMelon · 13/06/2021 20:07

YANBU

If you know they’re going to do it then you have two choices - let them come and condone their behaviour by turning a blind eye to something that supports criminal behaviour and destroys lives and communities, or uninvite them.

Are they really your friends? It sounds like you’ve outgrown them and chosen a different path.

ConcernedAuntie · 13/06/2021 20:07

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wingsofsteel · 13/06/2021 20:08

She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

  1. They are not entitled to take drugs- it is illegal
  2. This could ruin your wedding- what if the venue realise what's happening and call the police/kick them out? What if there are children at the wedding who accidentally get hold of whatever they are planning to take?
  3. The fact that they refer to the money they have spent coming to the wedding and expect you not only to put up with behaviour that you have made clear you do not like but actually give them a special area to do it says loudly and clearly what their priorities are
  4. It sounds like they have treated you pretty poorly at other events

All really good reasons to not invite them to your wedding and move on from your friendships. That's before you consider the implications of the trade that they are funding- which nowadays no-one can claim not to be aware of.

Macncheeseballs · 13/06/2021 20:08

On my wedding day I was to busy being happy, talking, dancing and drinking champagne to scrutinise my guest's behaviour

Macncheeseballs · 13/06/2021 20:08

*too

Blankspace101 · 13/06/2021 20:09

No way would they get an invite from me. I’d rather have a nice wedding day that bend over for a bunch of people so addicted that they can’t attend a function without taking drugs.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 13/06/2021 20:11

They don't sound like friends Confused

If you must invite them I would repeat that they mustn't take illegal drugs & remind them that your MIL/BIL/whoever to be is a serving police officer.

cornflakegirl · 13/06/2021 20:11

Message them all and tell them it's a deal breaker. That you would love them to come, but if they are not happy to leave the drugs at home, please stay away.

Wolfiefan · 13/06/2021 20:13

Why on earth do you want people who would bring illegal drugs to your wedding? They have a history of doing this. And pressuring you to join them. If they can’t stay off the shit for one event then tell them not to come.

MichelleScarn · 13/06/2021 20:13

So are they coming for your wedding or a coked up catch up?

WindsorPark · 13/06/2021 20:14

I'd have to uninvite.
I couldn't condone this and would be mortified if my family found out about the people choose as friends.

I think it would spoil your day too, worrying about them.

newnortherner111 · 13/06/2021 20:15

Uninvite them.

Or do you not care about young men being stabbed, who are disproportionately young black men?

ChrissyPlummer · 13/06/2021 20:19

One of my friends could be you OP. Very, very against drugs herself (never taken anything) but is friends with some who do. I cannot fathom it. She used to HAVE to see these people but no longer has a reason to so I cannot understand why she does. They will be at her wedding, acting like gobshites no doubt.

I did once ask her, given her very anti-drugs stance, why she was friend with these people and pointed out that just because THEY don’t go round stabbing people/mugging old ladies/shoplifting and they are to outsiders successful, comfortably-off people, they are fuelling a very damaging, harmful trade. Same as your friends.

redheadonatractor · 13/06/2021 20:19

I'd uninvited I think. Or at least say 'this is a family occasion not a rave and drug use absolutely isn't appropriate. If you can't abstain for the night then the invitation is rescinded unfortunately'

I'd be so embarrassed at my family thinking I was like that too - you're often judged on the company you keep!

whynotwhatknot · 13/06/2021 20:20

I smoke cannabis but i dont do itin public or at peoples parties-thats just not on

If they refuse theyre not really your friends

blacksax · 13/06/2021 20:20

Tell them that your next-door neighbour is coming and he's a detective superintendent in the drugs squad.

Either that or uninvite the lot of them. Druggies are not your friends.

Original poster
Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 20:20

@MrsTWH

I don’t even understand why you want them there in the first place! But then drugs are a dealbreaker for me, they’d be uninvited and the friendships over but I appreciate you might think differently.
Because we hang out a lot and this is generally not a problem. The handful of times I've ended up in a situation where they're all getting off their faces have been completely unexpected but I've realised it's been the last three weddings. I cannot believe they think my wedding is going to be that kind of vibe.
OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 13/06/2021 20:23

Have a trusted member of the bridal party put a layer of Vaseline on all the flat surfaces in the toilets Wink

Ireallydontknowimtired · 13/06/2021 20:24

@ChrissyPlummer

One of my friends could be you OP. Very, very against drugs herself (never taken anything) but is friends with some who do. I cannot fathom it. She used to HAVE to see these people but no longer has a reason to so I cannot understand why she does. They will be at her wedding, acting like gobshites no doubt.

I did once ask her, given her very anti-drugs stance, why she was friend with these people and pointed out that just because THEY don’t go round stabbing people/mugging old ladies/shoplifting and they are to outsiders successful, comfortably-off people, they are fuelling a very damaging, harmful trade. Same as your friends.

Exactly. If people call such people 'friends', I think where they do their illegal and harmful drugs is irrelevant and uninviting them to the wedding doesn't exactly mean they care about the harm this illegal activity perpetuates in the world.

I'm sure if they were hated neighbours, people would be ringing the police instead. As they say, show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are.

InpatientGardener · 13/06/2021 20:24

I would uninvite them and end the friendship to be honest. Its quite pathetic not to be able to go to a wedding without taking drugs and the fact they won't respect how you feel about it and commit to not doing it for ONE EVENING speaks volumes about how much respect and care they have for you.

Aprilx · 13/06/2021 20:24

I am a firm believer that not all friendships are intended to be forever. It really sounds like you have or rather should have moved on from this friendship group a long time ago. It is a shame you invited them already, I am not sure how you go about uninviting people to a wedding though.

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 13/06/2021 20:25

Many of your other guests will likely clock what is going on too, people aren't daft. It's a shame if your reception ends up talked about and remembered for your druggy mates off their heads.

MichelleScarn · 13/06/2021 20:26

@blacksax

Tell them that your next-door neighbour is coming and he's a detective superintendent in the drugs squad.

Either that or uninvite the lot of them. Druggies are not your friends.

Yep, and he's bringing his fabulous spaniel to be your ring bearer, oh and the spaniel is a drugs search dog....Grin
RoseAndRose · 13/06/2021 20:26

I don't think you're going to be able to stop them.

So it's hard choices time.

Original poster
Bridezillamaybe · 13/06/2021 20:26

I'm sorry I did not want to offend anyone by implying the main problem with drugs is that they are boring. Drugs had a profoundly bad impact on my life. I changed my lifestyle entirely and personally despise them. I don't know much about the consequences of the trade like stabbings. I should do, I know now and I don't think I'll happily take an 'each to their own' attitude again.

OP posts:
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