I don't want drugs at my wedding

[Bridezillamaybe]

I'm getting married next year. It's been an utterly rubbish year for many many reasons and I am really looking forward to it, having people together and celebrating the future.

We are having 100 guests, approx 70 of which are mine. Ten of them are very old friends of mine, good friends that I've known as part of a larger group for twenty years. We all used to party a lot with drugs (E, amphetamines). I stopped and personally despise drugs but each to their own. They all take coke, not regularly but when there is a big gathering or occasion. The last three weddings we have been at as a group, the hen parties, the big birthdays have seen everyone spending the night doing come and me finding it all quite boring. Generally I make my own fun with whoever else is there and head off to bed when I feel like it. I haven't enjoyed the druggie weddings, nobody dances, everyone just sits shouting self obsessed drivel at each other.

The friendships are real, the meetings are not always dominated by drugs and I've plenty of other friends. No matter how much I say "I don't take drugs" they always seem to forget and keep offering. Occasionally someone takes a swipe about how i used to be fun but generally they don't pay any attention.

So this brings me to my wedding. They are 10% of the guestlist and I want them there. I was talking to a friend about the venue and she said totally serious that there would need to be a private spot for getting away and doing lines. I said I hoped that wouldn't be happening and she got very shirty with me.

I'm not sure if it's relevant but the wedding is costing us 20k, we have been saving / planning for ages. My partner would be disgusted by this behaviour. I feel as the hosts, people should respect our wishes. My friend obviously feels I am being very controlling. She says they are adults and they are also out of pocket to come to the wedding and are entitled to spend their free time as they desire.

Yabu - mind your own business and let people enjoy a party anyway they like
Yanbu - it's your wedding day, they should respect your wishes.

tells me you really should have moved on from this drug snorting crew long ago

This in a nutshell. What you're holding on to as some kind of friendship group is nothing of the sort. They haven't got your back, basically.

When you give up drugs you can't be 'friends' with those that still do them. Not because your resolve is at risk (which it clearly isn't after 15 years) but because they are still the people they were then, and you're not.

This 'friendship group' is dead in the water. They don't, and never will, respect your viewpoint here. They don't even respect you as a person (sorry if that's harsh, but it's true).

Uninvited them and draw a line. Nothing good will come of you bending over backwards to get them to fit in to your wishes for your wedding.

Sorry OP

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

“Dear friends,

I want my wedding to be a drug-free occasion. If you are willing to respect this, I would love to see you there. But if you want to take drugs, please do not attend, as I would hate to have to ask anyone to leave.

Love,
@Bridezillamaybe.”

If you send this, it will weed out the people who are real friends from those who would just see your wedding as another opportunity to get wasted.

I would send something like this, and expect them to attend and behave, but to clear off after dinner.

When you lie with dogs and all that ...

It sounds as though you've outgrown these friends and don't have much in common anymore. It happens. Uninvite them and find some new friends.

I remember one wedding I went to with one table of very obvious coke users, they absolutely ruined the speeches, it was so embarrassing and everyone was horrified at how they acted, including the bride and groom.

We all judged them to fuckery, it was an absolute shit show and the rest of the wedding was ruined as they were so obnoxious- what a group of utter wankers.

I’d invite them to the evening only (after dinner and after speeches), so you know there’s only a little part of the evening they could be doing drugs and by then you’ll have already had a lovely day. I have “friends” who were caught by the brides parents doing coke in the middle of the afternoon between the ceremony and dinner. So glad I didn’t go to that wedding and so glad I didn’t invite those friends to mine. Who needs that kind of drama. Making massive assumptions about your age and situation here but they’ll either grow up or grow apart as you all have children. No way would I want anyone who took drugs around my kids.

Wow, the entitlement of your so called friend is astounding. Is there anyone else in the group that you could talk to who might take a more reasonable, less self-centred approach. Her reaction tells me that she wants to be there for the party with friends and the witnessing of your marriage is not important. I’d bin her although if there’s a wider group of friends to consider perhaps this is not so easy? Think hard about what you get out of this group and whether your willing to risk them turning your backs if you stand your ground.

I'd say to them that your parents/ older relatives or kids or whatever will be there and you don't want drugs around them, could they do it later when they go back to their rooms/ hotel bar. Lay it on about how upset your mum/ other reliable scape goat will be. If they're good mates they'll respect it.

Uninvite them - they WILL take drugs at your wedding.

I would cancel the wedding, re book something much smaller with a select group of family and friends.

Be strong!!!

They don't respect you. I had an ex boyfriend who was very big on drugs at all parties and weddings with a group of friends and even as his partner he couldn't respect that I didn't want his friends doing drugs at our house warming party. I was the unreasonable uncontrolling one. These kinds of people just can't fathom any other kind of event or party without drugs. We went to a wedding where they were asked by the bride for no drugs (children there too) and him and a few just couldn't not do it. I was sad when my time with him and his friends was over because we did have good connections when they were sober, but all of the parties are just horrible memories and I've met so many more extremely more respectful friends since. Remember to them you're just an extension of their partying drug taking world so they're not going to not do it, even if you ask them (bar a few maybe). I would uninvite all of them and if there's any you have trustworthy vibes with approach them and explain the situation and say you'll be happy to invite them if they want to come and not do the drugs. You really don't want to look back on your wedding day with any regrets or bad memories. Don't let THEM control the vibe of your wedding out of guilt to the connection. If they're your real friends they'll understand your concerns.

i would just uninvite them , if you dont , they will come and do the drugs anyway if they can find a place , most likely the toilets , or if they come and absolutely cant do the drugs they will be bored and fed up because they wont be having what they feel is fun , they will also no doubt all want to fuck off as early as possible in this case as well . plus be resentful about spending money to come to an event they felt was boring . i dont think its much of a win situation really , someone is going to be pissed off and it will either be you or them if they come

I'd cancel the whole wedding and start again.

Keep the venue and date, but get rid of the drug-users and only have people there who are on-side with your values nowadays. We all have friends from the past, but they don't necessarily have to keep being your friends if who they are isn't who you are anymore,

Get rid permanently and at least everyone will know the score.

If the wedding is next year I don't suppose the invitations have gone out yet. I would just not invite them. They will spoil the wedding, and it will be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

The last two family weddings I went to were like that, large groups of my relatives doing coke. I stopped with the party drugs when I had kids, I don't tend to hang around these people any more as despite many of them having kids themselves they've carried on.
I didn't have a wedding party, this was one of the reasons!

Don't let them attend, it's as simple as that really. If they want to do drugs, they can do them elsewhere and not on your dime.

OP,

You are paying 20,000 for a wedding and yet are having scummy druggies at your wedding?

Your husband to be will be appalled.
If I was your husband I would be furious with you.

Your other guests will be exposed to these gobshites too.

Uninvite them or accept that you are having them drugged up.

Christ, what sort of scum do this at a wedding.

They won’t care about any message about a zero tolerance policy by the venue. They’ll think they’re being super discreet but it will be obvious to anyone with half a brain what they’re up to.

YANBU to dread dope dullards at your wedding, but YABU to think they'll change.

There'll be a scene when one of the other guests' DC eats their coke or sim while they're all passed out - be prepared. You get to sort it out, not them.

A lot of my friends are recreational drug users. I don't take drugs.

They live for a get together when theyre all child free and can all take Coke together.

I think you need to have the expectation that they will be doing it or in inviting them.

I didn't even notice anyone using at my wedding but I know they all were. I was so busy involved in the photos and catching up with everyone, the cake, the toasts, the first dance, etc that I never saw anyone doing anything obvious.

Bloody hell, I'd be looking to see if I could hire a sniffer dog!

That's supposed to say uninviting them.

The reality is that, at many many large weddings there is coke taking going on. (Despite the MN up in arms brigade it’s a realty).
However - your “friends” attitude absolutely stinks. So on that basis alone I’d be tempted to uninvite.

Don't invite them. Your other friends and family will not be impressed.

I wouldn't get too het up about it. Is it really any worse than people getting really pissed and causing a scene?

I'm not denying that people can behave like idiots when drunk, but cocaine is on another scale. A gang of men on cocaine attempted to carjack my family, and while we were driving off they managed to rip the entire car door off and broke the window - it was pure luck we weren't lacerated. I've been around loads of drunks and I've never seen anyone like that - they were utterly unhinged, literally howling like wild animals.

It's not worth losing friends over

Friends wouldn't behave this way.