Not to support DD TTC Part 2

[checkyourpops]

Hi, just starting over from last thread.

Thank you for the ongoing support I haven't any updates yet. DD hasn't told her boyfriend yet because he's got a sickness bug apparently. She says she's definitely telling him Monday after work. She seems to have calmed down and is talking to me again, although we haven't spoken really about the pregnancy

DH has seen a few flats and actually thinks it might be a good idea to gift a 2 bed to her... And nothing else. No help in any other area. Then she will have no excuse really as she won't have living costs and can put her wage to mostly buying baby things and sorting stuff for herself. It makes me feel a lot better at night knowing she can be safe and have her home sorted without possibility of eviction etc. It is something I'm open to doing

She is still my baby at heart, to me, but it feels a lot better now I feel like there's a plan. I have calmed down quite a bit and dare I say it, felt a tinge of excitement this afternoon in my head.... quickly replaced by worry but there you go!

Not to support DD TTC? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4266772-not-to-support-dd-ttc

Link to original thread

I think this solution may be the best of both worlds. That way, 500 quid is a month won't be spent on rent, which will ease the pressure a lot for her.

I think you may have just found a solution! Have you spoken to her about it yet?

@Marshmallow91 No we haven't spoken to her about it. We actually wanted to get some property ideas together before bringing it forward

We understand this baby is obviously immensely important to her and despite my disappointment and let's be honest, personal disapproval given what I know she's capable of, I want her secure and happy

This seems like a good way to yes help her more than generously really, but also ensure she can still budget and sort her own finances out, including bills and shopping

It just makes us feel a lot more at ease knowing the roof over their heads is covered

I really admire you OP. I admire your conviction and the hard lesson for your daughter. I know these are things that you have been heavily criticised for but I think it will pay off for your daughter. I’m sorry she’s chosen this path, I would feel very much like you do, but I respect you for making her lie in the bed she’s made, albeit with a bit of security that’s more than she has a right to expect.

Is she pregnant now? Sorry I was at the very start of the old thread but couldn't keep up

I tnink this would b very good of you. She would have a asset and he secure in her home. She needs to grow up and move out. You are doing more than enough to support her and like you said you can then babysit the odd time and visit like a normal nan would do.

Ignore some of the idiots on the other thread - some people clearing clouded by their own personal feelings.

Are you planning to gift her a mortgage-free apartment? Isn't this going to breed some resentment down the line from your son if you won't be willing to buy him an apartment too?

I think the most sensible course of action would be to keep the apartment as your own asset. Daughter and her child can live there as long as they need to until daughter decides to move on and become independent. You can then either sell the apartment, rent it out, or allow your son to live in it. But I don't think it should belong to your daughter.

Otherwise you're kind of rewarding her for her reckless and thoughtless decisions. I don't see how she'll move on to becoming more ambitious and independent if she's constantly being protected by you - her attitude so far (i.e. choosing to only work 4 days a week in a job that doesn't mentally stretch her for no reason other than it's an easy life) is going to limit not only herself but also the opportunities she can provide for her child.

I really hope you’ll give your son a two bed flat when he is 19, so that he can work part-time if he wants to.

It’s a good call. She’ll be free from the biggest financial worry. It’s what I did for mine with an inheritance. That security is priceless.

This could cause more headaches than it solves though..

Are you buying HER a flat that will be hers entirely...

Are you buying YOU a second property that she can live in for x years and then you can rent/sell/allow DS to use for a similar 'starter' home?

Be clear on this right now before you tell her... if she thinks you are buying her a flat you will gift to her and then it turns out you aren't quite doing that... I can imagine explosions.

I am also envisaging tears when she tells her BF and he isn't ecstatic about the pregnancy...

Hats off to you though OP... there is no way in HELL anyones raising a new born in my house, its not the life I want and I won't be doing that.

I also think there are a lot of folk who are here simply to nitpick and put the boot in.

Had it been posted the other way around 'I want to TTC following a miscarriage, however I only work part time, im only 19, my boyfriend does not live with me and is an apprentice and I live in my parents home'.... there'd have been a unanimous 'YABU!'

Stay firm on what you will help her with and what you won't - that IS parenting!

Just read your other thread.

The flat is an incredibly generous plan. I hope it gives her the chance to start thinking and functioning like an adult and mother. You are doing the right thing getting her out of your house. While acting like an impulsive teenager, she has chosen a path where she doesn’t have the luxury of being an impulsive teenager anymore. Being in your home will be too much of a crutch. She needs the full weight of responsibility. Once the baby arrives she needs to know you aren’t on the other side of the door ready to rescue her. It’s likely the only way she is going to rise to the occasion and become the woman she needs to be.

Are you happy with the thought that if she marries the boyfriend and they divorce, potentially she’ll be wanting half the value again to buy him out?

Wow. Your daughter has got it made hasn’t she?

Work part time, get pregnant at 19 and Mummy and Daddy buy you a 2 bed flat!

That’ll teach her to stand on her own two feet.

I had my children young.

I have made all the emotional, practical and financial sacrifices for 30 years.

Thought at my age I could relax a bit and do the things that made me happy.

Unfortunately, due to my daughter's choices, that is not going to happen.

The savings I made once my children were grown will be spent. The holiday I booked will be cancelled as it's around her due date. The nights out on a Friday will be stopped as u will feel guilty having a nice time whilst she will be struggling with a newborn.

But hey ho.

I need to suck it up or I will be a shitty parent.

I'd buy the flat and keep it as a second property with her paying a rent that is affordable to her.

Security of a home is important, but she also needs to function as an adult.

I know a family that have ended up in similar circumstances although the pregnancy was unplanned. She initially rented with the partner but they split and left at the end of the 1yr tennancy as he was a useless man-child. Now lives in a second property paying rent. It was otherwise difficult on her own due to variable income from shifts. Everyone wins.

Some posters on here are unfuckingbelievable. What business is it of you lot how the parents structure the ownership of the flat. I am sure they have the nous to do the right thing.
God knows, they are already planning on doing far more for the entitled brat than she deserves.

@ineedtogetalife

I had my children young.

I have made all the emotional, practical and financial sacrifices for 30 years.

Thought at my age I could relax a bit and do the things that made me happy.

Unfortunately, due to my daughter's choices, that is not going to happen.

The savings I made once my children were grown will be spent. The holiday I booked will be cancelled as it's around her due date. The nights out on a Friday will be stopped as u will feel guilty having a nice time whilst she will be struggling with a newborn.

But hey ho.

I need to suck it up or I will be a shitty parent.

Assuming your daughter is an adult, there's no requirement for you to give up your savings and nights out - she should be responsible for her own finances and the care of her own baby without roping in her mum... Doesn't make you a shitty parent to live your own life - I've no expectations of being helped out by my own parents.

@checkyourpops

What do her boyfriends parents think and what support are they offering.

It's their grandchild too.

@SueblueNZ

Some posters on here are unfuckingbelievable. What business is it of you lot how the parents structure the ownership of the flat. I am sure they have the nous to do the right thing. God knows, they are already planning on doing far more for the entitled brat than she deserves.

I think the intention was just to point out that gifting a flat to OP's daughter may cause some issues that OP may not have foreseen (e.g. jealousy/resentment from son). If OP wasn't open to input from Mumsnet posters then she wouldn't have made a second thread...

She is only days pregnant.

9 months is a very long time.

Fine for you and your DH to think of options but keep your cards close to you chest.

There are lots of legals and contingencies to consider.

No logistical actions are urgent right now. You have 8 1/2 months to decide what’s the best financial/logistical decision for this evolving situation.

Right now you have to make the best emotional decisions.

Ones that conserve and preserve your RS with your daughter and DGC for your life time and build her emotional resilience to become a strong and confident mother.

Choose your words and actions carefully - gently with compassion - they cannot be unheard or unfelt. She is in a very raw and vulnerable emotional state. Even though it was her theoretical wish to become pregnant again - any elation may evaporate at any point in the next 9 months and be replaced with deep regret and fear.

Your DD has been through multiple traumas. An unplanned pregnancy, then adapting to this whilst being abandoned by her BF and soon after a late miscarriage, giving birth, bereavement, grief and loss and then it appears a fixation on getting pregnant again but this not happening very quickly.

All when she is still only a teenager barely out of school.

If these traumas are not processed properly she is at significant risk of PND which lasts years - which will negatively impact the emotional security and development of her own child and prevent your DD getting back to any education, training, career, independence etc.

She could then have a whole host of long term issues to contend with - she may not cope and this might fall back on you and your DH as in reality the chances of her teenage BF shouldering it all are slim.

So I would do everything you can right now to invest emotionally in your DD. Ensure she feels loved and supported. That she addresses her traumas with professional help so that she can grow in confidence and resilience.

She then needs to be nurtured, supported and encouraged to learn so many life skills in a very short period of time - parenting, budgeting etc.

None of this can be achieved without your direction. She cannot know what she needs to know without input. She may not recover from her traumas without kindness, respect and trust at home and professional support. A punitive approach could well backfire - on you and your DH.

In an emotionally supported state she will be better placed to manage and enjoy motherhood and minimise the risk of further emotional complications. Once she is emotionally solid the practical stuff (moving out, resuming / planning a career etc) will be much easier for her.

Put the horse before the cart - her emotional recovery and resilience front and centre.

This approach will have pay-offs for you all in the longer term.

Buy her a flat? That's very generous, OP.

Even if she would be able to pay council tax, utilities, all living costs etc, on her current income, could she on maternity leave? Would an asset like that debar her from claiming any benefits?

@CaribouCarafe

As much as I am resentful of my daughter's choices affecting me, I love her and the thought of her living a hard life is unbearable.

I think charging her (even mates rates) rent would be a good idea personally..

I’ve drummed it into my kids that your rent/mortgage/housing costs is the FIRST thing you pay each week, before anything else. You can come home for food, you can get extensions on your bills, you can buy stuff second hand or free on marketplace etc. But if you don’t pay your rent you’re eventually blacklisted and fucked.

Don’t know that paying her living costs is teaching her anything more than if she were to live at home really.. how will she learn to budget for it?

But hey, probably an unpopular opinion around here..

Before you buy the flat, it might be worth meeting with a solicitor and making sure you are doing the best to protect the asset and make sure it remains her space regardless of whatever relationships she has in the near future. You can always relax give the flat over more freely once she has demonstrated she actually can operate as an adult.

I would buy the flat in your names and rent it to her. That way, as noted above, you have a lot more options. Up to you how much rent you charge, but if you don't need the money, you can put it in an emergency fund for her.

Just be careful though. A tenancy would need to be documented. A friend's parents did a similar thing - bought investment property, rented to son who stopped paying rent after a couple of months, parents life changed for the worse and they needed to sell the property to cover their own costs, they had to take him to court to get him out of the property, took years.

I think your son will feel put out if you DD gets gifted a flat and he doesn't get similar support as a young adult. Buying the property in your own name and renting it to her mitigates that. Depending on what happens in her life, by the time DS is her age, DD may have met someone and moved on from the flat, so DS could move in.

I wouldn't talk to her about it until she has spoken to her BF and you know what support, if any, he will be providing. I'd want him to step up, not think he can get away with nothing because you are covering it.