Not to support DD TTC Part 2

[checkyourpops]

Hi, just starting over from last thread.

Thank you for the ongoing support I haven't any updates yet. DD hasn't told her boyfriend yet because he's got a sickness bug apparently. She says she's definitely telling him Monday after work. She seems to have calmed down and is talking to me again, although we haven't spoken really about the pregnancy

DH has seen a few flats and actually thinks it might be a good idea to gift a 2 bed to her... And nothing else. No help in any other area. Then she will have no excuse really as she won't have living costs and can put her wage to mostly buying baby things and sorting stuff for herself. It makes me feel a lot better at night knowing she can be safe and have her home sorted without possibility of eviction etc. It is something I'm open to doing

She is still my baby at heart, to me, but it feels a lot better now I feel like there's a plan. I have calmed down quite a bit and dare I say it, felt a tinge of excitement this afternoon in my head.... quickly replaced by worry but there you go!

@CaribouCarafe

Are you planning to gift her a mortgage-free apartment? Isn't this going to breed some resentment down the line from your son if you won't be willing to buy him an apartment too?

I think the most sensible course of action would be to keep the apartment as your own asset. Daughter and her child can live there as long as they need to until daughter decides to move on and become independent. You can then either sell the apartment, rent it out, or allow your son to live in it. But I don't think it should belong to your daughter.

Otherwise you're kind of rewarding her for her reckless and thoughtless decisions. I don't see how she'll move on to becoming more ambitious and independent if she's constantly being protected by you - her attitude so far (i.e. choosing to only work 4 days a week in a job that doesn't mentally stretch her for no reason other than it's an easy life) is going to limit not only herself but also the opportunities she can provide for her child.

I do see what you mean, I think it's something we will have to discuss. Ultimately I think it's a good idea if we do own the property but then she can have it further down the line if she can come up with a small deposit on her own, show us she's capable of this etc

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

Are you happy with the thought that if she marries the boyfriend and they divorce, potentially she’ll be wanting half the value again to buy him out?

I think it's highly unlikely by a long stretch that they'll be getting married

Extremely grateful of you OP, do remember a traditional buy to let mortgage (if that's what you're doing), does not allow letting to,close family.

Generous not grateful

Op I would think about holding off any big desisions thus early let her tell get boyfriend and see what there plan is

I agree with PPs that you need a proper rental agreement on the flat. Even if she only pays a tenner a month, you need the protection.
I also think you aren't helping her function if she has no housing costs. By a means save the money and give it her at a later date/when she's responsible. But charge something from day 1.

You could always say that if she ever pays back the amount the flat cost, then it's hers.

Do not gift your dd a flat.
Buy it in your name and charge her rent if legally possible.
My bil did this for my niece and he drew up a formal rental agreement.
She also set up a standing order.
Your dd is making adult decisions and one of those should be independently providing for her own dc.

Owning the flat and renting to her can be a good option. I know a couple planning to do similar for their daughter, she isn't pregnant but is also having trouble becoming a functioning adult and they think this is the only way to do it.

I think at this stage you need to keep the property in your name. Explain to her that she won’t have to worry about a mortgage or rent but does need to take care of all other bills.

she does not know what she wants, she has not done anything with her a levels,
she has a boyfriend, got pregnant, sadly miscarried.
she will thank you if you speak to her about putting her life back on track, doing something with her actual a levels, assuming she is not pregnant again.
she has her future to think about being a parent, not now.
she probably needs to step away from facebook groups as she is in her own unique situation, and not financially ready for a baby imo

You need to read the OPs post

Far far too generous to just give her a flat because she's making a daft choice. Are you going to do the same for your son? It's not fair otherwise.

Buy one and let her rent it sure, but you are teaching her bugger all if you just buy her a flat, give it to her and she has no payments. Doesn't have to be expensive payments, but she should be paying something.

there are apprenticeships for admin in the NHS

thank you @MoreAloneTime

I don’t think you should gift her a flat because she won’t learn to budget and work for her money. She needs a full time job and understand how much it would cost a month for rent, utility bills, broadband, food etc. And then how much it would cost to raise a child on top of that.

She also needs more therapy to come to terms with her miscarriage.

I think DD might take the news a lot better now DH is onboard op
I imagine him being on her side previously and having spoken to her before anything was said to you will definitely have made a massive impact on her staying put attitude

I hope this pregnancy goes well for dd and you clearly do to. I think the support you're giving her is fantastic tbh.
You're not the monster made out to be on the other thread. Quite the opposite actually

This is so much more about dd than it is about your future being ruined. It's a factor in why you're upset yes, but it's not being selfish. It's being transparent with pp's that going forward this is why you're even more upset by her decisions

@AbsolutelyPatsy

she does not know what she wants, she has not done anything with her a levels, she has a boyfriend, got pregnant, sadly miscarried. she will thank you if you speak to her about putting her life back on track, doing something with her actual a levels, assuming she is not pregnant again. she has her future to think about being a parent, not now. she probably needs to step away from facebook groups as she is in her own unique situation, and not financially ready for a baby imo

You haven't RTFT.

She's pregnant.

thank you @SofiaMichelle

The following stood out for me, though may have been a misreading of the little information the OP has been able to give:

The OP's daughter has no friends her own age.

She relies heavily on her parents for emotional support and security.

She has no clear life plan other than to become a mother - which is a fine ambition, but she had no scaffolding for the emotional and financial support underpinning her own household and independent life in place (e.g. stable partner, circle of friends, somewhere of her own to live, plan for providing for the child long-term).

The first pregnancy was unplanned, but she made a positive choice to continue it, which isn't typical at her age.

The boyfriend doesn't seem a very significant figure in all this, and she doesn't seem to see him as her partner and main emotional or practical support.

She lives in a village rather than a city, where there are fewer employment, further education and social opportunities - and might find it harder to meet new people, new friends her own age, or future partners if she becomes single again. Most young people leave and move to cities for work and to meet people - growing up by learning to get on with people who are very different in houseshares etc even if they don't go to college.

Does she even drive?

The decision not to go to college has somehow masked the decision not to leave the nest, exacerbated by the pandemic perhaps.

All in all a very, very young 19.

It isn't clear that she has any life skills, and would be capable of finding somewhere to live, managing utilities/the food shop, self-care, managing finances, even before a baby arrives.

The DD didn't sound keen for anything to change other than for it to be better - her current teenage life being looked after, with a baby added.
If I were the OP I would be less worried about dealing with the nappies but this set-up continuing into the long-term. Buying a flat sounds a good idea & extraordinarily generous - she is a fortunate young woman in that regard - but she will need support to get established beyond that too. She need to learn how to look after herself, entertain herself, find her place in the community, very quickly too, without ringing her parents several times a day.

A lot of this is about failure to launch. The critics on the thread point out that it's reasonable to not go to college, reasonable to want another baby after a loss, reasonable to want moral and financial support from your own comfortable and loving parents when you are only 19, reasonable to work 0.8FTE in a keyworker job.

Yes, but taken as a package it's not a move towards independence - she needs some firm support to help her find her own two feet and flourish.

Argh - dd IS pregnant, IS in need of financial support, HAS got parents who can help her with that.

It's a load of horseshit people saying she needs to stand on her own two feet/she's a fool/too young. They are where they are.

As I was banging on about on the last thread, maybe those being all black and white do not have older kids with issues and problems and hurdles. Life is messy, disappointing and humbling and kids do not all grow up to have wonderful, well paid careers and a first baby at 32 etc etc, no matter how many great qualifications they got at school!

@sixthtimelucky I know life is messy and disappointing!

But the earlier the interventions the better - she does need to grow up so that whatever choices she makes they are good and positive choices for her and the baby. Rather than sliding into some sort of default life, utterly dependent on her parents, who are not young.

She will be raising a child, and running her own life, and her parents will not always be around to parent them both.

If not now, when? When the child is off to school - and then she might have another? The thread is full of examples of young women who somehow never grew up and that it wasn't the best outcome, not only for their parents, but also for themselves and their children.

@sixthtimelucky

Argh - dd IS pregnant, IS in need of financial support, HAS got parents who can help her with that.

It's a load of horseshit people saying she needs to stand on her own two feet/she's a fool/too young. They are where they are.

As I was banging on about on the last thread, maybe those being all black and white do not have older kids with issues and problems and hurdles. Life is messy, disappointing and humbling and kids do not all grow up to have wonderful, well paid careers and a first baby at 32 etc etc, no matter how many great qualifications they got at school!

At some point children need to take ownership over their own decisions. This is definitely one of those times. You actively choose to have a kid? You are no longer a child. A good parent will not enable their child to make 'messy' decisions, even when they are grieving.

When I think about this website, with all the energy parents put into their children's formative years, I think many people here would never want this for their own children. Life is messy, but there's always the chance for things to get messier unless something changes.

The first pregnancy was unplanned, but she made a positive choice to continue it, which isn't typical at her age.

On the contrary, the pregnant teenagers I've known have wanted to continue their pregnancies. They seem to have a rosy glowing idea of parenting a clean happy baby who sleeps at night, babysat by an amenable granny while Mum goes out for the evenings, and who grows into an adorable biddable toddler.

Of course young people need to take ownership of their decisions and we need to encourage them to stand on their own two feet. But some times they really REALLY can't.

My 19 year old can't because of serious MH issues - they don't work or study, they are at home with us. I never thought we'd be here but we are.

OP's DD is in trauma and decided the best way to get through that was to get pregnant - best decision ever? Probably not but it will be ok, it will work out.

Maybe you won't be in this kind of situation when your kids are older - I hope not - but there before the Grace of God. And then you will do all you can to support and help them, believe me.

DD can drive, yes. Her car was gifted when she passed at 18. She fills it with her own petrol and pays the insurance.

She's also quite organised, not with her life choices it seems, but she's very organised and clean. I have at times been very impressed by her memory and knack for being the person with everything you need, if you asked if someone had a paracetamol or something, she'd always have it!

I don't really doubt that she will probably be a natural mother. She's very good with small children, yes it's always different having your own but how can anyone really foresee what their own will be like. Nobody can

I really really wanted more for DD and I don't think she's made the right choice continuing with this current pregnancy and not furthering any career prospects. But that's my opinion and I don't own her life. She is her own person, as hard as it is to see sometimes