Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to support DD TTC Part 2

179 replies

checkyourpops · 12/06/2021 22:19

Hi, just starting over from last thread.

Thank you for the ongoing support Thanks I haven't any updates yet. DD hasn't told her boyfriend yet because he's got a sickness bug apparently. She says she's definitely telling him Monday after work. She seems to have calmed down and is talking to me again, although we haven't spoken really about the pregnancy

DH has seen a few flats and actually thinks it might be a good idea to gift a 2 bed to her... And nothing else. No help in any other area. Then she will have no excuse really as she won't have living costs and can put her wage to mostly buying baby things and sorting stuff for herself. It makes me feel a lot better at night knowing she can be safe and have her home sorted without possibility of eviction etc. It is something I'm open to doing

She is still my baby at heart, to me, but it feels a lot better now I feel like there's a plan. I have calmed down quite a bit and dare I say it, felt a tinge of excitement this afternoon in my head.... quickly replaced by worry but there you go!

OP posts:
LateAtTate · 14/06/2021 17:15

@Bizawit another one who hasn’t bothered to read the whole thread 🙄
Also there are a lot of things wrong with having a child at 19 when you’re not in a position to do so...

LateAtTate · 14/06/2021 17:19

@Blossomtoes you’re about as insistent as defending every single decision OP’s DD has made , as other posters are in calling her lazy and entitled 😂
@checkyourpops if you’re still around please make sure your daughter gets the help she needs and try to understand why she did things which don’t appear to suit her personality

Bizawit · 14/06/2021 17:25

[quote LateAtTate]@Bizawit another one who hasn’t bothered to read the whole thread 🙄
Also there are a lot of things wrong with having a child at 19 when you’re not in a position to do so...[/quote]
I read both threads. I was very disturbed by the tone of OPs first one. Then pleased to read she was prepared to support her DD with a house, then sorry to see she was rethinking that. There’s no reason why OP’s DD can’t support a child as well as any mother can. She is hardworking, she has a job. She is committed to loving this child who is clearly desperately wanted. Needing support with housing is completely normal and the situation of most young people these days (and indeed in any number of times and cultures past where people usually lived in extended family groups). OP and her partner have the means to provide that. It is absurd and unthinkable to me that she would do so under some point of “principle”. What the hell kind of a principle is it anyway?

Bizawit · 14/06/2021 17:26

*wouldnt do so

worriedaboutN · 14/06/2021 17:32

The flat sounds a wonderful idea

I think that is a really really good move. You’re showing huge support yet not compromising on your own wants to not have a baby in your own home. I think it’s admirable

Blossomtoes · 14/06/2021 17:38

you’re about as insistent as defending every single decision OP’s DD has made , as other posters are in calling her lazy and entitled

And?

Passmethefrazzles · 14/06/2021 18:24

Forgive me if this has been covered, but do we now assume that the first pregnancy was if not planned, not entirely accidental, given that she didn’t want to go to uni, work full time or have a career?

Eviebeans · 14/06/2021 18:43

I would be worried that if you bought a flat you might be setting up unrealistic expectations of financial help. What if they can't meet the utility bills. Spent money on other stuff and none left for food...
What if she changes her mind about uni, working etc
Who would provide the childcare while she does her part time job?

Eviebeans · 14/06/2021 18:44

Your husband needs to consider whether he might want to spend his retirement providing childcare

Kokeshi123 · 15/06/2021 00:44

There’s no reason why OP’s DD can’t support a child as well as any mother can. She is hardworking, she has a job.

She has a part-time job that is going nowhere, and her partner is not earning and not involved. She either has to quit her job to look after the baby, or spend almost all her earnings on childcare. Grandma Daycare will probably wind up picking up the pieces.

Needing support with housing is completely normal and the situation of most young people these days (and indeed in any number of times and cultures past where people usually lived in extended family groups). OP and her partner have the means to provide that.
In "traditional" cultures where young couples move in with one set of parents, girls are typically put in arranged marriages at the direction of the parents, and it is certainly not considered OK for them to get pregnant with a random guy when they are not married.

That is pretty shit for women's rights in general, which is why in our culture we believe that girls and women have the right to bodily autonomy and choosing their partners, BUT the flip side of that is that they need to establish their own spaces and provide for themselves.

You can't have a situation where it's considered OK for young people to produce pregnancies all over the place on a whim AND still demand that parents should feed and house them---that is absolutely trying to have it both ways.

Kokeshi123 · 15/06/2021 01:39

She’s got a job which will provide gold standard maternity benefits and a flexible, family friendly environment, seems pretty sensible to me.

Sure, it's a great setup if you are married to a stable, full-time-working breadwinning partner. She hasn't got that and it's highly unlikely it will happen.

Cocogreen · 15/06/2021 01:56

Some amazingly bitchy comments on this thread.
OP you are doing what I would do if I was financially able.
I hope this baby is the making of your daughter.
Good luck to all of you.

SmokeyDevil · 15/06/2021 07:49

It's amazing how many people think it's a good idea to help a 19 year old have a child when they aren't working full time because they just don't want to, their partner isn't even aware of the pregnancy and likely won't be sticking around, has no plans to further her education and seems to just want to be a mum and is going to need her parents to give her a flat or house so that she isn't homeless.

Not only that, but that it's a good idea to give the daughter a flat but the son just gets help towards uni or a deposit for a house. So in comparison, the daughter gets a shit ton more money spent on her. Yeah we NEVER see threads about resentment towards parents for being unfair do we? Hmm

Funny how people are happy to advise towards a situation like the daughters saying it will all turn out OK, yet have never been in that situation themselves. Other people have had similar situations, but they have been willing to work and/or educate themselves. The daughter is not. Completely different.

rookiemere · 15/06/2021 08:00

@SmokeyDevil the issue is that the DD is already pregnant, the only other option than making the best of it is encouraging her to have an abortion, and much as I feel the OP has been placed in an impossible situation, to her credit the OP has never mentioned that as a solution.

Bizawit · 15/06/2021 08:12

@Kokeshi123 I’m not talking about “traditional” cultures- whatever those are, and what you are saying is a stereotype and not even necessarily true. Plenty of people still live in extended families together all over the world. And plenty of single mothers raise children.
And anyway in this day and age in this country the majority of parents (Certainly those who can easily afford to do so !) help their children get on the property ladder- there’s no affordable way otherwise. Have you checked out the price of housing recently? Why the hell shouldn’t a parent with means help out their children?! As for the rest she will work it out. OP doesn’t have to provide “day care” if she doesn’t want to. Although she might find she enjoys some time with her GD. As for the Daughters BF , he participated in getting her pregnant and he will need at the very least to financially support. And we don’t know in any case that he doesnt intend to be more involved. I know plenty of single mums with low paid jobs who make it work and are fantastic parents.

@SmokeyDevil and “just because they want to” ?! You do understand that OP’s daughter has been through one of the most traumatic experiences a woman a can go through don’t you? Do you have any idea what it’s like to give birth to a lifeless 20 week old fetus? Clearly not.

Honestly if these are the types of opinions that people have I despair at the state of our materialistic, individualistic, degenerate society.

I’ll say it again. OP support your child. You don’t have to do it at great cost to yourself, you were planning to help your children with housing anyway. Your daughter has chosen a different life path than what you hoped for it- partly due to circumstances beyond her control, but there’s nothing wrong with being a young mum. Support her just as you would if she were asking to do more studies or get an internship or something. She is your DD. She is grieving, she is pregnant, she is vulnerable. She needs you.

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 09:06

Do you know if first baby was definitely unplanned?

Kokeshi123 · 15/06/2021 09:16

there’s nothing wrong with being a young mum. Support her just as you would if she were asking to do more studies or get an internship or something.

Are you kidding? She's not "being a young mum," she's having a child in utterly irresponsible circumstances as a form of personal therapy. A degree or an internship will help her get on in life. Having a baby right now will not.

AnUnoriginalUsername · 15/06/2021 09:23

I can't believe so many people think it's a good idea for a 19 year old, without a stable income, without her own housing, to try for a baby with her boyfriend she doesn't want to live with BECAUSE she's struggling with having miscarried an accidental pregnancy. I wouldn't encourage someone who owns their own house, has a career with good maternity leave and a healthy marriage to try for a baby because they're mourning an accidental pregnancy. She hasn't decided sensibly that she's ready for a baby, she's reacting on a strong devastating emotion irrationally. You can't bring a child into the world to cheer yourself up. And you can't plan a baby when you're going to rely on someone else to put a roof over their head.

Bizawit · 15/06/2021 09:30

@Kokeshi123 A degree or an internship will help her get on in life. Having a baby right now will not.

You have such weird values.

Anyways- our disagreement about the wrongs of having a baby at 19 aside, what do you propose the OP does now? Force her DD to have an abortion? Or watch her continue the pregnancy while she kicks her out with nowhere to live? How will that “help her (DD) get on in life”.

Bizawit · 15/06/2021 09:38

@AnUnoriginalUsername giving birth at 20 weeks to a lifeless fetus is one of the most traumatic experiences a woman can go through. Desperately wanting another baby to heal from that is the most normal and natural reaction in the world. Women who have been through it will understand.

Is it ideal- of course not. A terrible thing happened that no one would wish on anyone. But life is messy sometimes. People have babies in all sorts of less than ideal circumstances all the time. Parents help their children out with housing all the time- and OP was intending to do so at some point anyway for both her children. Nothing about these circumstances are ideal; nothing about these circumstances are unusual, or among the worst things that can happen in life. (Giving birth at 20 weeks I would count amongst some of the worst).
OP’s DD will figure things out, the way lots of young mums do. She will find her feet. She sounds generally responsible, hardworking and organised and sounds like she has lots of skills and qualities to be a good mother. Her baby will be gorgeous and loved.

I’m sure your life is perfect and everything went exactly as planned? Get over yourself.

Bizawit · 15/06/2021 09:50

And nobody said anything about “encouraging” DD to have a baby. Only that OP should support her daughter , who needs her right now for so many reasons.

showmethegin · 15/06/2021 09:50

[quote Bizawit]**@Kokeshi123* A degree or an internship will help her get on in life. Having a baby right now will not.*

You have such weird values.

Anyways- our disagreement about the wrongs of having a baby at 19 aside, what do you propose the OP does now? Force her DD to have an abortion? Or watch her continue the pregnancy while she kicks her out with nowhere to live? How will that “help her (DD) get on in life”.[/quote]
Where did OP say she was kicking her out with nowhere to live? She said the exact opposite, multiple times

FijiCavanaugh · 15/06/2021 09:56

She may well yet go to uni or do a professional course or even work her way up with experience in a career. At the moment she is fixated on the pregnancy and hasn't looked any further than small baby.

Once she is living independently and looking ahead to the reality of raising an actual child to adulthood, she will likely up her ambitions.

Bizawit · 15/06/2021 10:18

Where did OP say she was kicking her out with nowhere to live? She said the exact opposite, multiple times

I know!! In The last post OP made , she was saying she was rethinking her decision to buy her DD a flat. I was urging her to continue that plan. Then @Kokeshi123 objected to my post so we got into an exchange. My question was directed at kok- what is her advice to the OP if not to help her DD with housing?

Kokeshi123 · 15/06/2021 10:59

FWIW, I agree that with the current state of the housing market, parents should help their DC out if they can. But the immaturity of the young woman in question suggests to me, that the OP would be best advised to do this in a way that "apprentices" her daughter for independent living. So, buy a flat in the OP's own name, charge "rent" to force her to budget, and then give her back the money at some point in the future when she is buying a house or flat, IF she has shown signs of growing up a bit by that point.

I wouldn't gift her a flat or house at this point. I would worry that she will continue to expect a free ride and that having a temptingly rent-free place to live will attract some cocklodger of a guy to try his luck with her. As she appears to be quite immature and will have limited dating prospects, she could be easy prey for some awful guy.