Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to support DD TTC Part 2

179 replies

checkyourpops · 12/06/2021 22:19

Hi, just starting over from last thread.

Thank you for the ongoing support Thanks I haven't any updates yet. DD hasn't told her boyfriend yet because he's got a sickness bug apparently. She says she's definitely telling him Monday after work. She seems to have calmed down and is talking to me again, although we haven't spoken really about the pregnancy

DH has seen a few flats and actually thinks it might be a good idea to gift a 2 bed to her... And nothing else. No help in any other area. Then she will have no excuse really as she won't have living costs and can put her wage to mostly buying baby things and sorting stuff for herself. It makes me feel a lot better at night knowing she can be safe and have her home sorted without possibility of eviction etc. It is something I'm open to doing

She is still my baby at heart, to me, but it feels a lot better now I feel like there's a plan. I have calmed down quite a bit and dare I say it, felt a tinge of excitement this afternoon in my head.... quickly replaced by worry but there you go!

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 13/06/2021 15:19

very impressed by her memory and knack for being the person with everything you need, if you asked if someone had a paracetamol or something, she'd always have it!

Amazing, yet she can't figure out condoms can she. OP I think you would be cracked to gift her a property, what happens when she decides it's easy having kids when someone else picks up the tab and keeps having children, are you willing to keep buying her bigger homes? What happens if she marries some jackass that takes half the property in a divorce, can you afford to buy for her again? Maybe she will take a notion to travel the world, sell the flat to fund this and then decide to come back home to good old mum and dad to live rent free after. I think your DD sounds very entitled and as your DH cheered her on at the start I wonder just how much playing parents off each other has happened in your home. At this point I would just ask her what her plan is, offer no solutions, she wanted this let her figure it out. Also why is she delaying telling the BF, does he know this pregnancy was planned?

Blossomtoes · 13/06/2021 15:21

@justanotherneighinparadise

I honestly think she could still go to university or at least continue her education and do very well for herself. So I wouldn’t worry about that. Her boyfriend needs to step up and find a way to support his ‘family’. I think I’d be trying to have a word with both of them together and see what their plans are. Perhaps she could move in with his family?

They are going to be relying on you and your husband to solve this for them. I think you need to bat it back and see what their plans are? You could tell then you are happy to offer them a certain amount of months rent to start them off. Or to give the deposit. Don’t be executor though!!! Then at least they could apply for UC help if that time comes which I don’t think would be possible if the house was owned by you.

If OP doesn’t want a baby in her house, why would his mum? You think OP and her husband shouldn’t “solve it for them” but his parents should?

And why would you advocate the taxpayer, ie you and me, paying for them when one set of parents at least can afford to buy a house for their daughter and grandchild? How is living on benefits teaching independence?

Fucking bonkers.

Figgygal · 13/06/2021 15:21

Buying her a flat it’s just enabling her further and not making her take any responsibility for her choices I think that’s such a bad idea sorry

shinynewwname · 13/06/2021 15:24

I'm going to offer you a different perspective op. I got pregnant unexpectedly when I was at university. A family member did buy a flat for now DH and myself (and DS) to live in. What that did was allow us to both get a degree and as DH was working part time to save cash. We're still a few years off 30 but DH now has a great job and we own a large detached house in the south with no additional help. Family member has since sold the flat. To us the help was invaluable, we wouldn't be where we are without it. The only thing I'll say is I think you should impress on your DD that the flat is not a permanent long term solution. She needs to appreciate that this is simply to avoid her paying high rents and allow herself to become financially stable. I'd really push her to further her education whilst her baby is young. If things don't seem to be going well I.e she makes no effort to better herself be prepared to give her notice.

If you draw up a rental agreement she can claim benefits even though you're related (or at least you used to be able to).

When the time comes we will be providing DS with a deposit

Blossomtoes · 13/06/2021 15:27

If you draw up a rental agreement she can claim benefits even though you're related (or at least you used to be able to)

Another one who thinks the taxpayer should foot the bill. What on earth is wrong with you all?

Louise1051 · 13/06/2021 15:29

Hey,

Just caught up with this post and I 100% understand your frustration. When you have a child you hope that when you need help you have support from family but you can’t go into parenting expecting it. Unplanned is one thing, you make the best of it, but unless you can provide a home, food and stability for a child it’s irresponsible and self- indulgent trying to conceive.

I see your predicament though, as a mum you want to put your foot down and teach valuable life lessons but if she does it anyway what can you do? Cut her off financially and it’s the baby that will suffer Sad xxx

billy1966 · 13/06/2021 15:30

I really wonder about the boyfriend being a part of this.

Considering how appalled his parents were by the first pregnancy it seems very odd that he would be inclined to do round 2 with his mother!

He may well deny this.
His parents could be rightly very pissed off with both of them.

He obviously will have to take responsibility for not using contraception but if she did go ahead without his knowledge it could be the reason she is not in a rush to tell him.

shinynewwname · 13/06/2021 15:47

@Blossomtoes so if ops daughter rented from a landlord she'd be okay to claim housing benefit but if she rents off family she shouldn't? Explain that.

SempreSuiGeneris · 13/06/2021 16:01

The boyfriend wasn't happy about the first pregnancy but not so unhappy that he learned to take precautions. His parents probably will be pissed off but that won't change anything. They clearly have had no influence on changing their son's approach to parental planning to date.

I suspect the DD rightly assumes her approach to parenthood is not at the forefront of her boyfriend's mind and therefore it is better she makes her own arrangements before rushing to add his involvement.

Maddison12 · 13/06/2021 16:23

The way the other thread went I can't believe you made a second tbhHmm

SempreSuiGeneris · 13/06/2021 16:26

Just checked and according to Shelter and Citizens Advice you can still claim UC housing element if renting from family but it needs to be a commercial tenancy. It looks like it is easier to claim if you avoid giving "family favours".

There is no rhyme or reason to the UK benefits system and precious little fairness.

fishonabicycle · 13/06/2021 16:27

To Be honest, DD sounds bloody awful. And your husband is totally enabling her.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/06/2021 16:27

I think if you can afford to buy a flat and rent it to her at a reasonable rate (and then if you can afford it, don't tell her but put some or all of that money aside for her later on) - thats a very reasonable and kind safety net, and an advantage not many kids will get.

Getting on the property ladder is damn hard and I know I wouldn't be a home owner if I had not inherited and used that money to buy, and been 'lucky' enough to take advantage of the right to buy on a council property.

Giving her some safety net, a leg up - I think thats kind and fair, but I do agree wtih PP's... find out what HER plan is, talk it through with her, when she's bashed out a serious plan THEN be clear what you will help with.. and what you won't do too.

There's a fine line to tread between helping, and indulging - I am glad I don't have to do it!

Tistheseason17 · 13/06/2021 16:32

@Blossomtoes

If you draw up a rental agreement she can claim benefits even though you're related (or at least you used to be able to)

Another one who thinks the taxpayer should foot the bill. What on earth is wrong with you all?

It's no different to her moving out into a property not owned by her parents. She's still be entitled to claim.

That said... I would not buy a property for her to rent from me!!!

justanotherneighinparadise · 13/06/2021 17:01

It’s not about demanding the daughters parents look after a baby or the tax payer. It’s about offering alternatives to the OP having to sort this herself. Her daughter is an adult and she’s expecting her parents to facilitate her adult decisions. What happens when they TTC no. 2 whilst under OPs roof. This whole situation has the capacity to snowball unless the OP acts in a manner that brings some reality to the situation.

WaxMeltAddict · 13/06/2021 17:34

I just caught up on both your threads. It certainly seems like you have a lot on your shoulders.
I get your disappointed but I was in your DDs shoes at the same age.
I fell pregnant at 19 and miscarried at 11weeks, wasn't as far along as your DD but it tore me up inside massively and I had counselling and antidepressants afterwards aswell. I wanted a baby so bad after that but my ex (baby's father) left me two weeks after I miscarried.
Now this is where I got a bit stupid, I met someone else and we decided to TTC FIVE MONTHS into our relationship (stupid I know). I was 20 when I fell pregnant with my DS. We moved into our own place together and we have two more DC together. I'm 30 now and looking back I have no regrets, but that's my personally experience, obviously everyone was different.
My mum was disappointed that I was pregnant before as it caused me to drop of out college, but she supported me whatever decision I made (which then was to keep the baby). After I lost it she was devastated and even though I fell pregnant early on with a new partner she was thrilled when I told her I was pregnant as she knew I wanted a baby.
I did have a job, I chose not to go back after maternity leave. DP supported us as a family.

I'm sending a hug to you and your DD that everything will work out for you all.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 13/06/2021 18:22

you have time op. thrash it out with family, best of luck

Blossomtoes · 13/06/2021 18:46

[quote shinynewwname]@Blossomtoes so if ops daughter rented from a landlord she'd be okay to claim housing benefit but if she rents off family she shouldn't? Explain that. [/quote]
Nope. Claiming benefits should always be a last resort. Why should someone on minimum wage subsidise the daughter and grandchild from a family that can afford to buy them a flat? Is that really how you want to see your tax spent?

SunflowerOwl · 13/06/2021 19:11

Buying a flat and letting her live there rent free until her child is at school is a really good idea I think. I'm sure she should be able to budget for everything else on an NHS wage with help from her boyfriend, and the maternity pay will be good.

I understand what posters are saying about you cleaning up after her bad decisions not necessarily being the best solution, but her 'bad decision' was one she made when her mind must have been so clouded by grief and sadness. It's not the same as her just being reckless. So for that reason I would treat it the same as you would with the unplanned pregnancy- just one of life's twists and turns. It sounds like you know she has a good head on her shoulders and will be a good mum - I would support in the same capacity if I could afford to do so.

FunMcCool · 13/06/2021 20:06

Sounds so tough. I hope it all works out well for you all

MrsRockAndRoll · 13/06/2021 20:07

No advice but sending a handhold. I can't imagine how you must be feeling

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 13/06/2021 22:02

I wouldn't let her live rent free.
She is making adult choices so she needs to be an adult
Stay strong

Kokeshi123 · 14/06/2021 00:18

A family member did buy a flat for now DH and myself (and DS) to live in. What that did was allow us to both get a degree and as DH was working part time to save cash.

It sounds like you had good outcomes from having a flat bought for you. However, from what you say, it sounds like the pair of you were a lot more mature, committed and organized than this girl and her boyfriend--you moved in together, evidently married at some point, were both working towards degrees and also continued (in the case of your husband) to work part-time on top of studying for a degree and parenting a young child.

This girl, on the other hand, has no intention of getting a degree and was not even working full time prior to the first pregnancy, appears to lack any sense of drive when it comes to building a career to support herself and her child, her partner seems pretty immature and she doesn't seem to want him in the picture anyway, they are unlikely to marry and if they do the chances of any marriage lasting are remote (meaning that there is a risk that the useless bloke could claim some rights over any property she owns when they split).

I would look into the idea of buying a property in my own name and charging her rent, to be paid into an earmarked bank account. She can have that money back as a housing deposit for buying her own place in the future IF she starts shaping up and showing a bit more maturity.

Sparrowsong · 14/06/2021 00:24

She needs to take responsibility for herself. Mollycoddling her and buying a flat will do her no favours at all. This baby needs a mother who can cope for herself, not rely on her own parents for everything. She is an adult, let her be one !

MoreAloneTime · 14/06/2021 07:42

In an ideal world it would be possible for this 19 year old to be managing her own life and raising her child herself but that's not happening. You have to make the best of it and in this case setting her up with her own flat is the least worst option available.