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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 12/06/2021 17:25

I'd tell her

halfbakedkate · 12/06/2021 17:26

Oh dear. I understand what a predicament it is for you. But I think you know you need to tell her. You might just have the final piece of the puzzle she needs.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2021 17:26

I would tell her what's going on. Wouldn't you want a friend to tell you the truth if it were your husband cheating?

Merryoldgoat · 12/06/2021 17:27

Well I’d tell her. I’d want to be told.

drpet49 · 12/06/2021 17:27

You need to tell her otherwise you become complicit in the whole sordid affair. When it gets out that you knew (and believe me it will) can you imagine how she will feel.

WorraLiberty · 12/06/2021 17:27

If this was a neighbour or a school mum or something like that I'd stay right out of it.

But as she's your friend, I would definitely tell her.

How young is the girl just out of interest?

Poptart4 · 12/06/2021 17:28

I'd tell her.

Its bad enough her husband is cheating but finding out everyone else knew before me and said nothing would be devastating. Even more so.

BlatantlyNameChanged · 12/06/2021 17:28

I'd tell him that he has to tell her or you will.

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 12/06/2021 17:29

I think you have to tell her. You've seen it with your own eyes, it's not hearsay. If she ever finds out you knew and didn't say it will be devastating.

Bobbiepin · 12/06/2021 17:29

What poptart4 said. Devastating enough for her that he's been having an affair but utterly humiliating that everyone else knew and didn't say.

MissChanandlerBong90 · 12/06/2021 17:30

Well, if the roles were reversed, what would you want/expect her to do?

Tsubasa1 · 12/06/2021 17:30

Would you want to know if you were in her shoes?

SleepyPartyTime · 12/06/2021 17:31

I'd also tell her. I'd be so humiliated if I not only found out DH has cheated but people I considered friends an had confided in colluded with him to keep it secret. When she has all the information she can decide best what to do.

JamieLeeBee · 12/06/2021 17:32

Please tell her. I've been on a 7 year engagement and then a relationship with my DCs dad. Both cheated on me many times, on occasion with my own friends.

But what really hurt was when I found out not only friends, but a family member knew and said nothing because they didn't want to get involved.

8 can say with all certainty that had I been told, both relationships would have ended a lot sooner and caused a lot less hurt in the end. Especially when it came to the one with my child's dad, who cheated on me the night before she was born...with someone I went to school with...and a good friend knew and said nothing. Until my child was about 14 months old. Child's dad rarely bothers with her now and it would have been less hurtful for her if he'd left her life sooner.

DaphneDuBois · 12/06/2021 17:34

What an awful situation to be in. I strongly feel that she deserves to know the truth. Personally, I’d tell the husband that if he doesn’t tell her then you will. Give him a chance to deal with it without involving you.

Original poster
Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:34

I would have wanted to be told too.

I don't know the girls age but she looked between 18-21 and husband told me she is fairly young. He is 39.

DH says that he knows what he is doing is wrong and is considering ending the affair and that we shouldn't be the one to tell her and 'ruin' their marriage.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 12/06/2021 17:35

I'd tell her. It's bad enough her husband is cheating but finding out everyone else knew before me and said nothing would be devastating

^^ THIS

When my husband was cheating there was no one to tell me.
I so wish I'd found out sooner.
Knowing and being able to make informed choices is always better than groping around in the dark.

Hankunamatata · 12/06/2021 17:35

Text her. Tell her you saw her dh at cafe today with a young woman and you wanted to check everything was ok with her

Original poster
Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:35

@DaphneDuBois

What an awful situation to be in. I strongly feel that she deserves to know the truth. Personally, I’d tell the husband that if he doesn’t tell her then you will. Give him a chance to deal with it without involving you.
I think I am going to go with this speak to him and tell him to tell her asap or I will tell her - I really dont want to get involved or be the one to hurt her
OP posts:
Looubylou · 12/06/2021 17:35

I agree with previous posters. It's a horrible situation to be in, but you are not being a friend if you deceive her. I think you know that, and also that she doesn't deserve to be avoided. Your husband will not agree with you, but I wouldn't be talked out of it. You are the better friend to her.

bloodyhell19 · 12/06/2021 17:36

She's confided in you about the relationship so if she found out that you had kept quiet about seeing him with another woman, that's a very big betrayal. I'd arrange to meet her on Monday & she might mention that to her DH and if he's anyway decent... He'll cough up before you do. If not, take that as a green light to tell her because he's obviously a spineless arsehole.

Twinkie01 · 12/06/2021 17:36

He's hurting her not you

EvilPea · 12/06/2021 17:36

Being honest your going to lose your friend either way.
You need to do it in the way that lets you sleep at night.

Sorry Flowers what a cunt

Upsandowns21 · 12/06/2021 17:36

If she is your friend you have to tell her.

Don’t warn anyone, there’s every chance the husband will try and create a story.

My friends didn’t tell me, a co worker did as they were horrified everyone knew except me. These people were not and are not my friends.

What’s that saying only thing worse that wasting years with someone is all those years and an extra day.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/06/2021 17:36

You know you need to tell her. She will be devastated but better that than no knowledge and not being able to make her own mind up about whether to continue to stay married. Her sexual health is also at risk.

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