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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 12/06/2021 17:55

Well, your husband's loyalty appears to be to his friend, so yours must be to her. Up to the point that you found out, he and the adulterer's other friends were quite free to tell him he was a dick and leave it at that, but you know now, and you're not part of their boys club. Tell her.

me4real · 12/06/2021 17:57

Tell her for sure. Even if he really ends this affair now (and you and your DH could never know if he's carrying on) this means he's already cheated on his wife and she's married to a cheater, who's done that to her and has a higher than average risk of doing it in future.

She has a right to know what's going on in her own life, so she can make informed decisions about how she lives it.

UhtredRagnarson · 12/06/2021 17:57

Don’t do any faux innocence nonsense. Your friend will see right through it. You owe it to her to be direct and tell her what you saw.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 17:57

And your DHs "well it's a rough patch so it's totally ok of he fucks other women until their marriage is fine again and everyone knows bit keeps it from the wife" would worry me

Vickles20 · 12/06/2021 17:57

I had this. Infact I saw a big kiss and it was romantic. Slept on it for a night. Then went round my friend’s house and told her.
She asked if it could sit the kids whilst she went to his work and speak to him
I did
She was so thankful. He was sheepish and can’t look at me in the eye.

But I would do it again. It was the right thing to do. Dick head.

Local pub too. Double dick head. It’s like he wants to be caught

MoiraNotRuby · 12/06/2021 17:57

I was in your situation, I told my friend. It was all very messy and although our friendship suffered, she is in a happy relationship now with someone else. I think I remind her of bad times so she drifted apart from me. But the main thing is that the children involved are a thousand times happier.

Abhannmor · 12/06/2021 17:57

@DaphneDuBois

What an awful situation to be in. I strongly feel that she deserves to know the truth. Personally, I’d tell the husband that if he doesn’t tell her then you will. Give him a chance to deal with it without involving you.

That's the best plan. Can't just sit on it though. Those headaches won't be going anywhere..

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 12/06/2021 17:57

Tell her you were surprised to see him as you were unaware he had a daughter from a previous relationship . . .

Tal45 · 12/06/2021 17:59

You would not be ruining their marriage he is doing/has done that. Who knows if he's using precautions - he's putting your friend at risk and she should know - I'd be angry with OH that he thought it was ok to not tell her, isn't she his friend too? I'd also be pissed off that he thinks this is acceptable as long as it finishes 'soon'. He's taking her to your local FGS, that's just taking the piss!

UhtredRagnarson · 12/06/2021 17:59

Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

Who is they?

Also- your Dh seems to have known about this affair as he knows what the friends husband is thinking. Your husband has kept this from you.

CanofCant · 12/06/2021 17:59

I would also tell your friend and agree that she will feel so humiliated and lonely when she discovershow many of her 'friends' already know of this. Don't give her husband a chance to spin his own story. Tell her as soon as you can, I wouldn't even tell your own husband as he would probably tip him off.

Sorry you are in this situation. If I were you I'd find your husband's opinion to keep out of it pretty disappointing too. He's supposedly her friend too?

Tal45 · 12/06/2021 18:00

I wouldn't say you thought it was his niece or anything like that - why should you have to lie because of him? You know it's not and he might just make up something to cover it up if you say that - and what do you do then? Tell him to tell her or you'll have to, don't let him say he'll end it instead - he won't he'll just be a lot more careful.

EvilPea · 12/06/2021 18:01

@UhtredRagnarson
It is generally the way it goes.

You don’t say anything so you avoid them as it’s too awkward, eventually it all comes out and your the shit for not saying it.

Or you say something and your not believed, a shit stirrer or blamed because they didn’t want to know.

I hope I’m wrong and I probably am in some instances, however I’ve never known it. The innocents always get dragged into it.

UhtredRagnarson · 12/06/2021 18:02

It is generally the way it goes.

Really? How much experience of affairs do you have?

VeganCow · 12/06/2021 18:02

@BlatantlyNameChanged

I'd tell him that he has to tell her or you will.

This

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/06/2021 18:03

I would hate to find myself im your situation OP but I while tell her for sure. I would tell DH it's not up for negotiation for you. This man may be fucking up his own marriage, don't let him cause issues in yours!

You'll never manage to keep the friendship knowing what you know and these things often come out eventually anyway. If in the future she finds out you knew it would be doubly devastating. Good luck.

OldTinHat · 12/06/2021 18:04

Contact her husband and tell him that if he doesn't tell her then you will. And give him a time limit of a day or so.

Etinox · 12/06/2021 18:04

Whether you tell her or not, it’s pretty snakey to blow her out when she called you.

Loubiemoo · 12/06/2021 18:06

OP, you wouldn’t be the one ruining the relationship, her ‘DH’ has already done that. I’d be concerned with your DHs attitude to cheating within a relationship. Its not a healthy one.

Rejoiningperson · 12/06/2021 18:07

Definitely definitely tell her.

It’s really rare someone will blame you, the ‘messenger’. If they do, they aren’t the kind of person you’d want as a friend anyway.

However, if I knew that my friend knew, and didn’t tell me. I’d not only not trust my husband, but my faith in friendships I could trust would be gone too.

EssentialHummus · 12/06/2021 18:08

Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

What a pp asked - who is “they”? Did your husband know about this already?

shockthemonkey · 12/06/2021 18:09

A concerned acquaintance once tried to tell me, many years ago, that my partner was cheating on me with my sister. I wouldn't hear of it at the time, but it proved true, and although I have not seen her in almost 30 years I think back on her kindness and am glad for people like her.

Northofsomewhere · 12/06/2021 18:10

If she's been feeling this way for at least 2 years (possibly longer but not wanting to share it) then how long has he been having an affair? And if the woman you caught him with was likely still in her teens then she's unlikely to be the same person he first cheated with. He's absolutely destroyed the relationship himself and is likely putting your friends sexual health at risk as well as her mental health.

By telling her you are just telling her the truth, you saw him in your local (not even trying to hide it) with a young woman like they were on a date. You can tell her what you know from your husband too if you want but I'd stick to that facts as you know them. He's the one who has had the affair and these are the consequences of his behaviour, he's likely destroyed his own marriage.

As other posters have said, she is going to face enough of a betrayal (it's will come out eventually, everyone already seems to know) but to know friends knew too. Who is she supposed to turn to for support if you were all keeping his secret for him. Give him the rest of the weekend and if she doesn't know on Monday I'd tell her what you saw.

shockthemonkey · 12/06/2021 18:10

... others who were closer to me and owed me more, kept quiet and I do find it hard to think that they remained silent for an easy life.

Mrgrinch · 12/06/2021 18:11

That poor woman. I would tell her OP and I'd be letting your DH know that you're disgusted in him being so accepting of it.

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