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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 12/06/2021 18:11

Don’t play games with her. She’s your friend and she trusts you to the point she’s confiding in you about the state of your marriage.

Imagine how humiliated and betrayed she’ll feel when she finds out, because she will if he’s being so shameless as to go out in the vicinity of their home.

The friendship as you know it is over anyway. Treat her as you’d want to be treated.

bonfireheart · 12/06/2021 18:12

Don't pretend you think it's his niece. When it comes out that your husband knew and others knew, then you will all make it worse for her.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 12/06/2021 18:13

If my friend didn't tell me I wouldn't consider them much of a friend.
Your husband's take on this would also ring alarm bells to me.. what a massive put off.

alwayswithhope · 12/06/2021 18:14

How can you trust your husband again if he thinks a rough patch is have an affair and end it whenever suits him and that’s totally ok Shock

Rejoiningperson · 12/06/2021 18:15

Also just to say, as I’ve been in the position of being cheated on by my husband. You start to think that you are losing your mind. The gaslighting.

Those who say that there is no harm until someone knows - has never been cheated on.

The harm is felt by the victim - the wife - all along. Except we can’t put our fingers on it. We just know that things aren’t right. And so you OP blowing her out is only going to add to that.

Me and my Ex had a group of friends who we saw regularly and sometimes on our own. I felt more and more unconfident as these ‘friends’ were quite uncomfortable around me. They also didn’t ever say nice things about us a couple, or invite us both to foursome meals etc as they did other people. I couldn’t put my finger on it again, it just felt a bit like I had something wrong with me. It really affected me looking back. I felt ‘small’.

Only afterwards did I realise that DH was behaving in an obviously cringy and inappropriate way with some of the women - complimenting them. That it was obvious to others that he was far more lively when he was on his own, and more subdued when with me. Many started to wonder if I was really quite controlling or horrible and DH was just desperate for a bit of real connection.

Of course I had done nothing wrong but I as tainted by DHs cheating in quite far reaching ways. Even now I feel uncomfortable around those friends who either suspected I was the problem, or suspected DH of cheating.

What I’m saying is she needs a real person in her life, an honest one, more than you can ever know OP.

paniniswapx3 · 12/06/2021 18:16

I'd be honest (to a point) - tell her you saw her DH at the pub with a young woman but didn't get the chance to say hello & then leave it there. Up to her if she then wants to question him on it.

If your DH knew already and didn't tell you, I'd be disgusted with him as he's been complicit in his friend having an affair and that I'd suggest that doesn't bode well for your own relationship either.

thenightsky · 12/06/2021 18:23

I think you need to be honest and open and tell her you saw him out on Friday in (local pub name).

If the fucker is doing it openly on his own doorstep, then someone else is going to tell her very soon and you'll look bad if you knew and hadn't said anything.

PixieDust28 · 12/06/2021 18:25

The fact he took her to your local pub, surely others would have spotted him too?

That isn't a sign of someone who wants to end an affair. That's the sign of someone about to leave their wife and rub her nose in it.

MsDogLady · 12/06/2021 18:45

,..and he said they are happy and just going through a rough patch...

He is wrong. Your friend is unhappy and this is not a mere rough patch. She has felt unsettled for 2 long years because her H has disengaged from her. She feels the effects of his infidelity but doesn’t know what to do. She is floundering around in the dark.

I would absolutely tell her myself asap. This lying cheat is making a fool of her in public and treating her with contempt. If you give him an ultimatum of “Tell her or I will,” he can easily manipulate you by pleading for time and dragging it out or putting his spin on the truth.

She has confided in you, so do the right thing. Shine a light and lead her out of the dark.

Mydogmylife · 12/06/2021 18:47

Oh dear, what a mess, and not helped by your husbands pretty shocking attitude - having an affair is so not just a 'rough patch' in a marriage and I'd be worried by his response. I'd tell her, she's a friend not an acquaintance, and she already suspects something is wrong

Freyaismyname · 12/06/2021 18:51

@BlatantlyNameChanged

The marriage is already ruined or else he wouldn't be fucking around behind her back. I'd send him a message "we saw you at with that woman and it's not fair on that you are doing this behind her back and not fair on us for you to expect us to keep it a secret. deserves to know seeing as everyone else does, if you don't tell her then I will".
I agree with this. Straight to the point but polite enough!
LesLavandes · 12/06/2021 18:57

As someone said, tell her you saw them at dinner.

Keep your friendship

gonnabeok · 12/06/2021 18:57

I was in a similar once. I gave the man a week to tell his wife or said I would tell her. He told his wife before the end of the week.

IronTeeth · 12/06/2021 19:00

I feel terrible and just want to share.

Why do you need to share?

Starlight39 · 12/06/2021 19:07

I was the wife in an "everyone else knows" situation. A friend of mine told me and I primarily felt relieved to know as I knew something was very wrong but couldn't work out what. It sounds like the wife in this situation is in a similar place of not being able to work out what is wrong and the kindest thing to do is to tell her - preferably at a good time and way - so that she can get back some control of the situation.

BlueButtercups · 12/06/2021 19:08

Hopefully someone else saw Him and this young person and will tell his Wife, as it was your local pub 🌸

Hawkins001 · 12/06/2021 19:09

@Macncheeseballs

I'd tell her
Without any evidence to back.it up ? Most likely it will amount to x says vs y says
Claudiawinklemansfringe · 12/06/2021 19:10

OP, I was your poor friend once.

My exH was shagging OW (work colleague) and I knew something wasn't right but had no idea what/why (I was young). Now I know it was gaslighting and just him generally being a shit to try and provoke me to argue with him so he could ease his conscience about me being a cow to him.

Anyway at the time I confided in a very close work friend and well, she very soon after she spotted my ex out with OW..he didn't seem to be covering his tracks either. Friend told me straight away. My ex denied it but within a week I had uncovered all the evidence I needed to confirm an affair. It's 21 years' ago and we split up immediately/divorced... but I am so glad my friend told me. I had planned to stop birth control and try for a baby as well as move home and I am forever glad that didn't happen with him.

I moved away and no longer see my friend regularly, and she was so worried about telling me, but as I said at the time, and have said to her since, she did me such a big favour....and we are still friends.... I would really think about telling your friend, OP. I also found out that other 'friends' knew about the affair but didn't want to tell me/wanted to keep out of it...we're no longer friends.

LondonSouth28 · 12/06/2021 19:12

Tell her the whole truth. The H is concocting a 'story' to cover for when you tell her. Make sure that story won't hold water. I'd call her last minute too on Monday to meet up - so her H won't know you're meeting up. Gives her the option of having time to ruminate/plot before she reveals she knows. You have to tell her. It's 100% the right thing to do.

HotChocolateLover · 12/06/2021 19:14

Please tell her. In my first marriage, two people told me my ex was cheating. They both admitted it was the hardest thing ever and one said he only told me because my sister said he had to! (He was her boyfriend) However, I was grateful that the two of them had the courage to say something.

SunshineCake · 12/06/2021 19:15

If she was his niece or any other innocent company he would not have left immediately and would have introduced his friends to her.

Peach01 · 12/06/2021 19:17

I would tell her, without a doubt.

If this was me I would be devastated that my friend knew and didn't tell me, it would feel like they were in on it. I would feel like they were protecting him. She needs to know she has good support around her.

grapewine · 12/06/2021 19:23

DH is adamant we stay out. He, her and her husband grew up together as friends and he says they are happy and just going through a rough patch and that he wants to end affair and just asked for time

BS. The fact that he has known about this and seems not bothered at all that his friend is fucking around on his wife would honestly make me see him differently.

Brefugee · 12/06/2021 19:23

I'd give him a deadline by which he has to tell her or you will.
and then you'll lose her friendship because that's how it goes. But don't keep his secrets for him

NotNowPlzz · 12/06/2021 19:24

Tell her 100%.