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AIBU?

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Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
Thehop · 12/06/2021 19:30

I wouldn’t be able to see my husband in a positive light, if this was his opinion, at all.

Please tell her.

SurelyNott · 12/06/2021 19:33

There is another plus point to telling her, it sends an absolutely clear point to your DH that:

A - cheaters always get caught
B - you don’t put up with that shit and stay complicit and “British” about it.

Text her and tell her that you saw them and have discovered it is an affair.

SurelyNott · 12/06/2021 19:33

I’d be furious with DH that’s he’s joined the “boys club” to be honest. He isn’t a friend to her.

Thatswatshesaid · 12/06/2021 19:42

He will deny it or hugely minimise it and make you into the bad guy and you and your husband will no longer be friends with either of them. He’s taking her down the local, it won’t stay secret for long.

BakewellGin1 · 12/06/2021 19:45

Tell her.

I caught my best friends boyfriend at a work doo with someone we both worked with.

Straight away he tried to play it down

I told him then that either he told my friend or I would the next morning. Luckily he knew I wasnt bullshitting and he told her early next morning.

She called me and thanked me for having her back. I 100% would have told her if he hadn't.

Iquitit · 12/06/2021 19:46

I'd confront the husband and tell him he's got a couple of days to tell his wife himself or you're telling her, because without a time limit, it'll never be 'the right time'.
I'd be pissed off with my DH as well for going a long with it and taking the easy option, and having known for God knows how long. I'd be telling my DH what I'm doing as well.

Cushionsnotpillows · 12/06/2021 19:49

Agree with others to tell her.

I'd also be having a long hard look at my DH and his values if he thinks it's ok for the lads to know but not the wife.

whatisheupto · 12/06/2021 19:50

Tell her 100%
She might be glad. This might be the proof she has been desperately waiting for so that she can finally ask him to leave.
Don't always assume she's going to be devastated. She might be secretly glad. Ir she might even already suspect hes having an affair.

Don't assume anything. But do tell her. Straight away.

An0n0n0n · 12/06/2021 19:54

Your husband can do what he wants but he cant make you do anything and shouldnt try to influence you.

Domt let him pressure you into believong this is about having your husbands back. Its not your job to have your husbands back while he has his mates back to cheat.

Best adv8ce i can gove you is dont caise your own marriage problems by engaging about it with your husband. If you want to tell her then do, you dont need his permission or blessing.

UhtredRagnarson · 12/06/2021 19:55

@LondonSouth28

Tell her the whole truth. The H is concocting a 'story' to cover for when you tell her. Make sure that story won't hold water. I'd call her last minute too on Monday to meet up - so her H won't know you're meeting up. Gives her the option of having time to ruminate/plot before she reveals she knows. You have to tell her. It's 100% the right thing to do.
This.
FangsForTheMemory · 12/06/2021 19:56

I hate this bloke thing where they don't tell on one another.

VettiyaIruken · 12/06/2021 19:57

You don't need time to end an affair. You end it

Good to know your husband thinks a happy marriage going through a 'rough patch' is a reason to slip balls deep into another woman and anyone exposing that is the one ruining the marriage, not Mr balls deep himself . Nice

ScottishNewbie · 12/06/2021 19:58

Tell her. It's is unbearable cruel for everyone to know and her to be left in the dark.
What an utter poor excuse for a man. He has no respect for her if he is so blatantly parading around his mistress.
Disgusting.
Your DH needs his head checked if he thinks it's acceptable to be friends with such a vile liar.
He should be telling him to man up and do the right thing.

Lollypop701 · 12/06/2021 20:01

I get your dh not saying anything to you. But now it out there, because the local pub is out there, then why can you not say anything? I’d tell dh that you won’t be complicit so t try be cheater tells wife or you will Monday. Your dh had his time of being a friend, he’s said nothing to support his friend. he can’t now tell you you can’t be her friend in a similar manner … which is you tell her

TotorosCatBus · 12/06/2021 20:21

2 issues

  1. I would tell your friend unless your were ok with her hating you for keeping his secret.
  1. Your h's reaction is worrying. This is clearly been going on for a while for him to know details like he needs time to end it/it's because they are going through a bad patch. The fact that he'd cover for his friend so easily would make me wonder if he'd be so devious with you.
lotstolose1 · 12/06/2021 20:41

I'd be telling her and I'd also be absolutely livid that DH knew about it and kept quiet. If it was my DH it'd just make me worried about what secrets he's prepared to keep.

Percypigg · 12/06/2021 21:00

I'm also wondering what how many times the husband has messaged your DH this afternoon?. I imagine he's begging him to tell you not to say anything. It's all very very grubby. I couldn't be with a DH who shared the view that yours does.

lotstolose1 · 12/06/2021 21:02

To add,

I'd be asking your DH, if you were to be cheating on him, would he be happy with his 'best friend' and his wife knowing all about it?

That should change his tune. If not, I'd be reconsidering that relationship too.

Cherrysoup · 12/06/2021 21:06

Tell her, I’d be devastated if a friend knew but didn’t tell me and I’d lose all respect for my dh if he said to keep quiet.

Tell her you were surprised to see him as you were unaware he had a daughter from a previous relationship

A nice easy way round it if you really can’t just look her in the eye and tell her.

ChequerBoard · 12/06/2021 21:10

I do think you need to tell you friend but I would want to absolutely certain first. Is your DH sure it's a real affair? The husband hasn't been bragging to his friends about shagging some poor young girl who knows nothing about it has he? It might explain the swift exit from the pub too? I would want this discounted first.

LizzieW1969 · 12/06/2021 21:12

As she’s a friend of yours, you should tell her. I wouldn’t be at all happy about your H’s reaction in your shoes.

StoneofDestiny · 12/06/2021 21:17

You and your husband are already involved. Best to be involved in the right way - tell her.

3scape · 12/06/2021 21:19

There's no way I'd be co.plicit in a cheating tears little pity party. Who gives a shit what he wants? Your husband is a pos for insisting you lie too. I'd be very uncomfortable with his acceptance of cheating.

1FootInTheRave · 12/06/2021 21:35

The poor woman.

I'd have to tell her.

I wouldn't be overly impressed by dh tbh either.

Giantrooster · 12/06/2021 21:38

Now you know the moral compass of your dh. Ask cheater to tell his wife or you will. Think long and hard if this is the way you would like to be treated, since your dh clearly shows that what you don't know, don't hurt you and it's an easy life for him.