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Original poster

caught friends husband with another women..

340 replies

Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:23

I feel terrible and just want to share. My friend (actually DH's friend, I met her and her husband through him) has been speaking about problems in her marriage for the past 2 years - she speaks about the lack of attention her husband shows and that he is always away.

Today DH and I went out to eat. We saw friends husband with a young girl. He was shocked to see us as shocked as I was. I went and sat away and saw them leave hurriedly. Then DH (he is his friend too) said that they know about this and that its not their place to say anything other than tell him what he is doing is disgusting.

I feel terrible. I have the worst headache all day and just feel horrid. Friend called said she wanted to meet up on Monday I had to make an excuse because I just cant bring myself to talk to her.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 12/06/2021 17:37

If she's a good enough friend that she's called and wants to meet up Monday, then I would go - but I would say to her, I'm very sorry, and there may well be nothing in it, but DH and I saw your husband on Friday at x place with a girl. He left very hurriedly upon seeing us. Obviously it may be entirely innocent, but I felt I had to tell you.

That lets her then investigate who/what is going on.

Womencanlift · 12/06/2021 17:37

I would tell her but if you feel uncomfortable then you could tell her ‘D’H that he tells her or you will. But you will have to follow through with it. She will feel bad enough that this has been going on, she will feel even worse when she finds out her friends knew

BlatantlyNameChanged · 12/06/2021 17:37

The marriage is already ruined or else he wouldn't be fucking around behind her back. I'd send him a message "we saw you at with that woman and it's not fair on that you are doing this behind her back and not fair on us for you to expect us to keep it a secret. deserves to know seeing as everyone else does, if you don't tell her then I will".

UhtredRagnarson · 12/06/2021 17:38

You must tell your friend if she is a friend in any way. How cruel not to.

Also- the woman you saw was not a young girl. That is a child. She was young woman.

FlowerArranger · 12/06/2021 17:38

... we shouldn't be the one to tell her and 'ruin' their marriage

The marriage is already ruined. The wife just doesn't know it yet.
She deserves to be able to decide about her future knowing all the facts about her 'D'H !!

Blueskytoday06 · 12/06/2021 17:38

Yup gotta tell her. I'd want to be told as I'm sure you would too.

UhtredRagnarson · 12/06/2021 17:39

@EvilPea

Being honest your going to lose your friend either way. You need to do it in the way that lets you sleep at night.

Sorry Flowers what a cunt

Why is OP going to lose her friend either way??
Seesawmummadaw · 12/06/2021 17:40

Just say that you saw him out for lunch and ask if it was their niece or something.

Blossomandbee · 12/06/2021 17:40

I'd want to know, so on that basis I say tell her.

However, I've been in your position, tried to do the right thing and received a load of abuse and lost the friendship. So you have to weigh up whether you're prepared to lose her ( and where this would leave your DH with the friendship.) Not everyone wants to know or believes the truth.

icelollycraving · 12/06/2021 17:41

Could you say you saw him with someone you presumed was his niece?
As another view, I’ve known people to have suspicions that their partner was cheating and it was definitely a case of shoot the messenger.
You’re in a difficult position. He’s a shit. Taking this young woman out locally is ducking stupid.

June2021 · 12/06/2021 17:42

Tell her

Ladylimpet · 12/06/2021 17:42

Tell her. It'll hurt like hell, but she'll be glad one day.

Original poster
Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:43

DH is adamant we stay out. He, her and her husband grew up together as friends and he says they are happy and just going through a rough patch and that he wants to end affair and just asked for time???

I just feel sick because now I feel me and DH are going to have problems to BUT I dont understand how he thinks this is normal and that him just ending the affair without her knowing is ok. Its not ok!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lora918 · 12/06/2021 17:43

@icelollycraving

Could you say you saw him with someone you presumed was his niece? As another view, I’ve known people to have suspicions that their partner was cheating and it was definitely a case of shoot the messenger. You’re in a difficult position. He’s a shit. Taking this young woman out locally is ducking stupid.
very local too! our local pub!
OP posts:
FrumpyBetty · 12/06/2021 17:47

I'd always tell a friend.

Finding out a load of others knew about the affair is potentially more hurtful than the affair itself.

icelollycraving · 12/06/2021 17:47

Then he’s playing with fire and sounds like perhaps he’s looking for someone to force his hand. Was your friend at work? Imagine if you’d walked in with her.

BetterThanKleenex · 12/06/2021 17:49

Tell her you saw him with a woman, don't say 'girl'. If it's innocent he wouldn't have left so quickly, but on the off chance it is his wife would surely know if he was having lunch with his niece/friend/family member. Pose it as a funny coincidence that you saw him- if she seems shocked or confused the chances are it's not innocent. But she needs to know.

Oldbutstillgotit · 12/06/2021 17:50

I have said this on similar threads - people who insist they would want to know , are you sure ?
Years ago I found out that my best friend’s DH was cheating . Absolutely no doubts . She had always said she would want to know. I told her and she has never spoken to me since . Still with her DH. According to another friend he persuaded her I was jealous , nuts etc etc .
Good luck .

Percypigg · 12/06/2021 17:52

Why can't you just tell the truth. You saw him having lunch and didn't have the opportunity to speak to him plus you wondered if she was OK as she wasn't with him.

tensmum1964 · 12/06/2021 17:52

I would want to know. Nothing more humiliating than being the last to find out. I would definitely expect a good friend to tell me and wouldn't hold it against her.

IdoIdoIdoOoh · 12/06/2021 17:52

I was in the position you're in now, last year.
I didn't even need to think about what to do, of course I told my friend.
You'd be a terrible friend if you didnt say anything as far as I'm concerned.

Waspsarearseholes · 12/06/2021 17:55

You could just faux-innocently say something like, Did Dave say we saw him on Friday night at the pub? See what her reaction to that is. Then you could include further details, such as, we thought you were there too for a second but it was somebody else.
I would text the husband and tell him that either he tells her or you do. He doesn't get to decide if she knows or not, just who tells her. Prick.

HollowTalk · 12/06/2021 17:55

I disagree with your husband. This is clearly a long-standing affair if they are going to the local pub, ffs. How humiliating for your friend. Be a good friend to her and tell her. I'd be wary of my husband if he'd kept that secret and thought it should still be kept now.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2021 17:55

@icelollycraving

Could you say you saw him with someone you presumed was his niece? As another view, I’ve known people to have suspicions that their partner was cheating and it was definitely a case of shoot the messenger. You’re in a difficult position. He’s a shit. Taking this young woman out locally is ducking stupid.
This is what I'd be tempted to do. See her Monday, casually mention "oh I saw Dick in the pub in Sunday, is that his niece he took out for lunch, that's sweet". She can say yes even though it's a lie of she wants and save face, or she can burst into tears and tell you she thinks he's cheating with the au pair. It doesn't put her in a confrontational position and frankly it sounds like he wants to be caught.
JackieTheFart · 12/06/2021 17:55

I would want to know. It’s unforgivable to me - your friend has been unhappy for two years!

I would be extremely unimpressed with my DH if he was so adamant as well. He doesn’t think it’s worth mentioning besides they’re ‘happy’ and he’s ‘thinking of ending it’? Makes me suspicious of his motives tbh. And he clearly already knew.

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